Halloween Hash

Run #1022, October 31, 2005

Hare:  Oozing Syphilitic Dicktaphone (Pregnant Nun)

Location:  East Side of Providence

Weather:  50’s, Clear

Present:  Basket Boom Boom (Incontinent Infant-in-Red), Bondo Jovi (The Tin (NOT Thin) Man), SESYB (Tattooed Lady), Dr WHO (Scottish Pirate), Dick Doc (Gypsy-Scottish Pirate Wench), Dry Foot Fairy (Scottish Pirate Polecat), Great at Giving Head (One-half of the Ambiguously Gay Duo) (The not-so-ambiguous half), Just Sandra (Low-budget depiction of Broadway’s “Cats”. Or perhaps an Avant-guarde Scottish Pirate?). Virgin: Just Jennie (Convincingly dressed as someone-who-should-know-better-than-to-follow-Bondo). Hounds: Seamus, Ben. Late-cummers: Mother Goose (Miss Conception 2005), Bungy (Super(Cleavage)Girl). Partygoers: Just Jamie (Three, four, or even five-sheets-to-the-wind), Just Sonia (Common-sense Woman), Just Shafie (Lack of Common-sense Woman).

The Run:

A few minutes past 6:30, because of the late arrival of Just Sandra (Second Run!) (and because some little kids kept trying to give the hashers candy. All they wanted was beer!), the group gathered outside the hare’s new place on Larch Street. Some instructions for the newer folks were given. The hare dangerously omitted warnings about following Basket or Bondo. Perhaps the hash should start with a written disclaimer. We might still have Just Ariana (second run, pending), then! Off at 6:45, they turned west on Larch and ran, dodging trick-or-treaters.

The hash started with a loop. What else would you expect from this hare? He had to draw it out somewhat. But it inevitably led to enough confusion that the group milled around for quite a while. Finally a few marks were found. They proceeded slowly and also inevitably down the hill to Camp Street, and the East Side’s only ghetto. Dry Foot and Basket led WHO and Dick Doc down Abbott and turned left onto a path to some playing fields. There was a bridge crossing Cypress Street. The Bridge was unlit. There were 15-20 youths on the bridge. In the dark. They were not trick-or-treating. They were not in costume. They might have been “wearing colors”. Most of them would have set off metal-detectors, had any been present. And we’re not talking bling, either!

Fortunately for the hash, the yutes were not prepared for the sight of lights with accompanying whistles running towards their turf. They rapidly dispersed. But many of them stayed on the edges of the ‘hood to watch. They quickly realized that it was only a bunch of idiots. They started to regroup. Again fortune favored the hash as the sight of Bondo in tinfoil gave enough pause to allow the last of the hashers to pass on through.

Trail continued up and down the hill, centered mostly on Camp Street. The crowds of kids in costume were larger, and some tried to run along with the group. The adolescents were particularly impressed by G@GH and his Gay superhero outfit. Quite a codpiece! His virtue was only saved by DFF and his five-foot skunk tail. Dr WHO found the trail out, passing a large puddle (the only shiggy to be seen, this evening). He led the pack to Olney Street, then correctly guessed that the hare intended to run the pack on Thayer. He continued south on Brown Street. He soon was lost in the fields of Hope High School. Ambiguously Gay man to the rescue!

G@GH turned left on Barnes. WHO followed. But they were too early. They lost marks at Barnes and Hope. Milling about allowed Basket, SESYB and Just Sandra (Run #2!) to catch up. And the hare was then sighted, resetting his own trail. What a wank! Basket led the charge down Thayer Street, passing students, vagrants, and drunkards fast enough that, initially speechless, they were fully prepared to make cat-calls for the Tattooed Lady’s lingerie, and the Gay Crime-Fighter’s codpiece. Dr WHO’s kilt was admired for its authenticity. There was a bit of a breeze.

But what of The Tin Man? DFL, he was wracking his brains for a way to get out of this and return to the hare’s. He knew there was beer there. He knew there was an 80% chance he would not find the beer check. He knew how to get to the hare’s from Thayer Street. Thus he soon made a quick reversal and turned down Lloyd, crossed through Moses Brown School (passing immediately adjacent to the Beer check), and headed back north on Hope to the hare’s house. Unfortunately, thinking that this was the way it was supposed to be, the virgin Just Jennie followed. She followed Bondo! Sure, and SHE’LL be back (for a second run)!

Trail turned east on Euclid, past Wheeler School, and continued east on Angell. Dr WHO was back in the lead, but was soon fooled by a check on Arlington. SESYB took over and led north on Arlington with DFF and Just Sandra (the two-timer!). At Lloyd, a check led into Moses Brown at the Baseball field, and some confusion with fences and blind trails at the top of the old sledding hill. G@GH and Just Sandra (this was her second run!) finally found marks on Weymouth. These led to a “BN” pointing back into the woods. And a tipsy monk pointing the way, calling the group the “Hashish Harriers”! The hare had apparently just tried to lay claims of paternity upon this bystander. But the beer-near sign was too tempting, and they didn’t stay to talk.

The BC was found with the hare, at some picnic tables behind the Quaker Meeting House in some sparse woods. DFF, G@GH and SESYB spread out into the bushes trying to find the beer. The hare, sitting atop a picnic table, had a cup of beer in his hand. He had been fiendishly clever. He hid the beer in a bag right next to his feet, on the bench of the table. Genius! They still would have been looking for it, had not Dr WHO accidentally sat on it. Soon they were all drinking Trinity IPA, singing and enjoying themselves. Bondo, Ben and Basket were missing. O, the hashing life, Tra-La! But sadly, a frustrated Seamus finally dragged Basket to the BC. Poor dog! What a life he must lead!

Luckily, the beer was almost finished. Even Basket could not prolong the BC with the same old stories and songs. Beer gone, the hare mentioned that he had not really bothered to set trail back to his house. He gave bizarre and incomprehensible directions back to his place, involving Morris Avenue and the Brown Stadium. Perhaps he had hoped that some would become lost, and he might be able to economize on beer at the circle. But even half-minds could figure this one out (Brown Stadium = Jewish Temple. D’uh!), and they made their way back to Larch Street and the circle on the balcony.

The circle was formed. Some non-runners watched: Just Jamie had been watching the fort (and the beer) for the hare during the run. She was joined by Just Sonia, who was watching Just Jamie (and her beer). At any rate, they refused efforts to involve them in the proceedings, claiming the sanity defense. Ratings for the run were colored by the excellent costumes, the fine beer and the holiday atmosphere. All were positive. Total: -6.9! Hashit went to G@GH for not being ambiguous enough and for not having his other half present. The virgin was queried, and got none of the three (five) questions right. (Good material! SHE’LL show up again! Right!)

New arrivals Mother Goose and Bungy rolled in, bringing with them the hirsute lady in pink, Just Shafie. Efforts were made to hear excuses for lack of recent attendance. But as they appeared disinclined to put up with what was becoming a rather unruly circle, this issue was not forced. The circle was finished. Just Jamie complained that all this circling business was making her dizzy. And nauseated. It couldn’t have been the beer. She wisely used the bathroom to empty her stomach. Dinner was almost ready. A varied collection of food was brought out and the beer continued to flow. A fine time was had by all, although the hare needs to get a DVD player if he wants to see any Talking A**holes on screen and not just in person.

On On