The Hash of Incredible, Ineffable and Ineluctable Brilliance (or something not quite like that)

Run #1025, November 21, 2005

Hare:  Dr WHO

Location:  Somerset, MA

Weather:  60’s, mild with progressive precipitation

Present:  Amish It Head, Async, Basket, Bondo, Just Sandra, Oozing, Ponder On It, WIPOS, Yank My Doodle, Ben and Seamus.

Late Cummers:  Dry Foot Fairy and Fuwangi.

Late Cumming Visitors:  Amazon dot Cum (BH3) and Polly (Somewhere from across the pond H3).

The Run:

“Your hare has been working night and day to find virgin territory for his next magnificent trail. Almost ready to return to his usual haunts; Tiverton, Attleboro, Cumberland or Coventry, he despaired of finding anything fresh and new. But the following items from the web caught his attention.”

Obviously the hare has way too much hands on his time (yes, you read that correctly!). Who scours the web to find the crap quoted below? Apparently WHO does scour the web for the crap quoted below.

As for myself, it was 6:10 p.m. and I was cruising 80+ through traffic on Rt. 24 until I see a sign saying Fall River is still 38 miles away. I should have just said “f*ck it” and gone home, but being a hasher I pressed on until reaching the start, which was a park-n-ride off Wilbur Ave. just off Rt. 195. It was 7:00 p.m. and the pack was well off. Sadly, I was not the last to show, nor the only late one there.

"The Brayton Point Power Plant in Somerset, Massachusetts continues to be one of the worst industrial polluters in New England. It is the largest single source of air pollution in Rhode Island, despite sitting across the border."

The hare sent the pack northward and away from the auspicious power plant. Some coughing and gagging could be heard from the middle of the pack, most notably from Bondo and WIPOS. WIPOS apparently forgot his gas mask, a mistake he would not repeat in the future. Just Sandra looked worried and stuck closely to Async who refused to inhale (yeah, right!). On the other hand, Amish inhaled copious amounts of toxic fumes. Hashing just doesn’t get any better than this!

After a brief jaunt through some quiet suburbs, Basket looked for, found, and correctly followed power lines on the north side of I-195 off Sheraton Ave. Yank My Doodle, after being MIA for quite some time (see hash #1004), stuck closely to the hare. Oozing stuck closely to nothing. The dark dampness in the air felt heavy among all.

"Brayton Point is responsible for spewing more than 240 pounds of highly toxic mercury per year into the surrounding air and water bodies of Rhode Island and Massachusetts."

240 pounds of highly toxic mercury… not the lowly toxic kind, but the highly toxic. Hmmm…. as we say in hashtrash speak, I digress. Nevertheless, that didn’t stop Amish from blazing the way northward through a stream bed after a quick check in the power lines. Basket continued to follow the power lines, as the metal in his head apparently works like a gyroscope within the power lines’ magnetic fields.

About this time Fuwangi showed up at the start, bringing BH3er Amazon Dot Cum with him. Then Dry Foot caught up with the dynamic duo and found Amazon wallowing in the watery cat-tails. The three-some stuck together as they followed trail northward.

"The Brayton Point power plant was built in the 1960s before the Clean Air Act went into effect, and remains the single largest source of air pollution in the area, releasing sulfur, nitrous oxides, particulates, and a number of toxic and carcinogenic substances in addition to mercury."

I would take issue with the above claim. The sulfur was in fact the product of Bondo (or more accurately, the lack of any catalytic conversion of Bondo brew). Nitrous oxides? Just ask Basket, or our more recent addition Amish. Asked and answered. And regarding particulates.. what the f*ck are particulates anyway? And as for the mercury, it must be the lowly toxic kind, since they did not qualify it as the highly toxic kind. My argument is flawless, but that still didn’t convince the super-conservationist Ponder On It, who (not WHO) like Async, continued the run without inhaling. Only a former president has such powers!

"A major new study found that children whose birth address was within 200 meters of an overhead power line had a 70% increased risk of leukemia."

Well, that settles it! Or does it? This study was apparently not published in the peer-reviewed scientific literature, rather in “Martha Stuart Living” magazine. Nevertheless, the hare decided to lead the pack northward, then eastward, through briar trails, woods, and some token fields. About as much shiggy as one might expect in Fall River. Oh, by the way, there was another study published in “Martha Stuart Living” magazine suggesting that those born in Fall River would be three times as likely to become a famous television chef, as those not born in Fall River. Again, I digress.

"A California Department of Health Sciences Evaluation concludes EMFs "can cause some degree of increased risk of childhood leukemia, adult brain cancer, Lou Gehrig's Disease, and miscarriage" [emphasis added]."

Some degree. What is that? One degree? Two? Three degrees? Speaking of three, about this time the trio of Fuwangi, Amazon, and Dry Foot were slogging along the well-trodden paths through the fields across Brayton Pt. Road and heading towards Taunton River. The hare graciously provided some briars so that the soporific airborne pathogens could now become bloodborne pathogens as well. By now, Polly decided to show up, and Dick Doc ditched trying to find the hash, as she didn’t know there were also exit numbers in MA as well as RI.

"The Japanese news service reports that new Japanese study finds that EMF is linked to children's brain cancer."

Basket, Bondo, WIPOS, Fuwangi, Oozing. Class action lawsuit anyone? Rather than dreaming of millions of settlement dollars, they, as well as everyone else settled along an access road along Taunton River for the beer check. Beer, as it seems, was a higher priority. No argument against that! Dogfish IPA and Chicory Stout were savored by all and song broke out as rain began to fall. Only then did the terrific trio of Fuwangi , Amazon, and Dry Foot caught the pack. And then layers of clothing began to shed.

"A three-fold increase in overall spontaneous abortions and a six-fold increase in spontaneous abortions occurring before the 10th week of pregnancy is associated with even momentary exposure to magnetic fields greater than 16 mG."

Later in this published article, the “magnetic fields greater than 16 mG” were somehow attributed to the male contribution to the pregnancy. Further investigation somehow linked the impervious magnetic fields to excessive X-Box and Play Station. Hmmmmmm…

It was at once obvious. A trail had to be laid in Somerset, MA. The power line capital of New England, and the home of the single most toxic power plant in the northeast! Picture a dark, crisp fall evening. The waning moon is rising and a beautiful, almost unearthly glow is in the sky (from sulfur dioxide). The crunch of crisp leaves underfoot (laced with mercury deposits) almost mask the melodious hum from the electromagnetic field emissions from overhead. Ah, now this is hash country!

Yank My Doodle and Async, eager to get out of Fall River ASAP, led the pack southward along Taunton River and underneath the I-195 bridge. Trail circled around and northward along Breyton Pt. Rd to a playground where circle was to be held. Then a nice drizzle was falling, making everyone happy and giddy. Until Polly finally caught up and joined the pack. Then only Basket was happy and giddy. The rest became happy and giddy as Amazon shed some more layers after following Polly's lead. Even Just Sandra!

Your hare has prepared a trail to take advantage of all the beauty that is Somerset. It will captivate! It will titillate! It will mutate! Combining trail, power lines, bushwhacking and busy local roads, this trail is sure to annoy each and every one of you. Bring your leashes, your respirators, and some tinfoil to wrap around your brainpans. We're going hashing!

If only the comments on the run could support the premature claims by the hare above! If only I could remember the comments on the run, but I at least have not one but TWO excuses: First, all the toxins along trail (not to mention the alcohol); and second, I was late. Nevertheless, with 4 (four!) bimbos minus Trail Hoover and Dick Doc, virgin territory, copious toxins (including alcohol), there was much to enjoy! As for the negatives, Basket and Bondo did make it to the beer check, and Async managed to finish the run without inhaling. All in all, ratings equaled a +0.069! Hashit to Bondo, IIRC.

They moseyed over to Hero’s Pub in Swansea, but not before Ponder On It and Dry Foot had a little brush in with The Law. All was well when they finally headed in the correct direction. And then the real violence began, as darts were thrown about and Amazon displayed her karate chop on more than one unsuspecting soul. Only Just Sandra remained unscathed, as she was preoccupied on her cell phone for most of the night. It would have been another pathetic waste of a Monday evening, except that it was Ponder’s last night hasing with RIH3, since it seems, after all, to be sheep sheering time in Nebraska. Or that was her excuse, at least.

Post script: I have no doubt that the above recollection of the has has captured the incredible, ineffable and ineluctable brilliance of the trail.

On On

Dry Foot Fairy