Pawtetic River Hash

Run #1035, January 30, 2006

Hare:  Dry Foot Fairy

Location:  Pawtuxet River Park, Warwick.

Weather:  High 30’s, Light Rain.

Present:  Dr WHO, Amish It Head, Basket Boom Boom, Bondo Jovi, Just Bob, Cum Under PSHS, Oozing SD, Fuwangi Boner, Amazon.cum, Seamus, Ben.

The Run:

(Note: Dr WHO decided to try an audio recording of this hash as an experiment. The idea was to skip the painful process of writing Hash Trash. It came out quite clearly audible. Thus it is not fit to listen to. If anyone reading this wants a copy of the edited recording, cash or sexual favors will be accepted. Oozing will add you to his “Dangerously Psychotic” list. But then again, if you’re reading this, you’re already on the list.)

The hash gathered in Warwick in the parking lot of a Stop and Shop on Warwick Ave. The hare planned to live set, so all knew that this would really suck. But somehow, week after week, the same crowd shows up, hoping against hope that the hare will surprise with a quality trail. Was this to be a surprise? The newer ones (Just Bob and Cum Under) have an excuse of inexperience. The intelligent ones (SESYB and G@GH) were smart enough to stay away. WIPOS probably broke one of his hermetic seals and stayed home. But the rest? Idiots and Wankers! As Bondo pointed out during the run and throughout his rating at the circle, this was Pawtetic!

The hare set off. A few minutes later at 6:30, the rest followed. Trail led south out of the parking lot, and then out to Warwick Ave. Confusion, screeching brakes, honking and near-misses resulted, as the hashers tried to find trail crossing the busy road. Finally, Oozing found flour heading back north on Warwick Ave. They crossed the Pawtuxet River on the road, and turned right into a parking lot, and into the woods. Oozing and WHO led as they came up to the Silver Hook branch of the river, and began bushwhacking through some briars and old garbage. It was looking good! But before long, they spilled back out at a service station, and were back on pavement. Pawtetic!

A check at Dallas Ave was obvious. Unless the hare was really planning to get hashit for life, he had to turn east to follow the Pawtuxet River Park. And luckily for him, that’s what he did. The hashers didn’t hesitate, but turned east on Dallas. A second check soon came, equally obvious. Let’s see. Should we continue straight on this boring road? Or should we turn right into Fay Field, and follow the path in the woods to the river. Even Bondo got it right! Pawtetic!

The trail entered the woods heading south. A boardwalk covered over the initial marshes, but once off this, the rain provided some good puddles and mud. Amish led, but went straight at the next check. WHO tried left, and found true trail. He called them all on. Except Basket and Bondo. They went straight, blowing past a false marker. Things were looking up! WHO entered a swamp. WOW! Everyone was happy. Especially Cum Under. Somehow she managed to find all the sink holes in the swamp as she brought up the rear. Lucky girl! Just Bob complained about the lack of shiggy.

But all good things come to an end. Coming out of the swamp, they ran into Basket. And pavement. And more pavement. Pawtetic. The trail led to “Rhodes on the Pawtuxet”, and then along Woodbury and out to Broad Street in Pawtuxet Village. The river was crossed south at the Pawtuxet Falls. Amish led, well out in front. Basket and WHO followed as they turned west on Post Road. They came to a check. Let’s see. Should trail go straight on this boring road? Or would it turn right at the sign for the Pawtuxet River Park Trails into the woods. Hmm! What a poser! Pawtetic!

Trail passed north next to the river, briefly entered an industrial parking lot with stacks of sewer pipes (clean ones, unfortunately) and then back into the woods, following the turn of the river to the BC. The hare was waiting and the beer was quickly found and opened. It was a lovely spot. Gentle rain in a birch grove next to a rolling river, with good beer, and no sign of Cum Under. Or Bondo! Good times!

Cum Under arrived. Well, you can always welcome the bimbos. Bondo arrived. Sigh. Then to top off the misery, lights were seen across the river. It was Fuwangi! And Amazon.cum! Like, give us a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it! Unaccountably, they refused to swim across, so it was hoped for a while that they might yet get lost. But the actual distance wasn’t that great. The group was unable to: a) finish the beer, b) obscure the marks beyond the sewer pipes, or c) hide behind the birch trees (Thanks again Ben, you canine WANK!!) before they arrived. So they were all together briefly. Pawtetic! But having sung all seventeen songs associated with Rhubarb, the BC ended. Soon they were on-out, to finish this disaster off.

Trail was virtually unmarked beyond this point. The hare gave instructions that were mostly ignored. They started out on the river trail but soon came out into an industrial parking lot. Rather than stay on the river, WHO decided that it would be quicker to go on the street. He thus was able to add an unnecessary half-mile to the trail as he lead Fuwangi, Amazon and Amish out Pioneer Ave to Bellows. At least they didn’t turn the wrong way. But Bondo, Basket, Cum Under and the hare were all waiting at the cars when they finally stumbled back into the Stop and Shop.

The circle was formed just in the woods at the back of the lot. Ratings for the run included such factors as rain, swamp, garbage in briars, and virgin territory. But this could not outweigh the excessive pavement, Bondo at the BC, and the use of the word “antithetical” by Amazon at the circle. (Antithetical, from the Latin: “anti-“ meaning mother’s sister, and “thetical” meaning corrective eyewear worn by one with a lisp) (But I digress.) Total: -0.69. Hashit: Bondo, of course. Finishing the circle with a partly spoken version of “In Mobile” by Amazon, and a prolonged and pathetic attempt at naming Just Bob, marred any good memories that anyone might have taken from this run. Somehow, he ended up as “MicroHard”. (Even a careful perusal of the recorded transcript of the circle can’t justify this! Pawtetic!)

The On On On was at Billy’s Frosted Mug, the call of the hot wieners too hard to resist. The usual rounds of pool and darts were initiated, the wieners were distributed and the evening ended with a few songs, barely audible a few feet beyond the tables, thanks to the incessant metal rock blaring from the jukebox. Trying as hard as humanly possible, the hash STILL could not offend the regular clientele. Pawtetic!

On On