The Cops Get Unlucky at St. Patrick’s Hash
Run #1042, March 20, 2006
Hare: Basket Boom Boom
Location: Cumberland, RI
Weather: 30’s, windy, f*cking freezing.
Present: Bondo Jovi, Dr WHO, Dry Foot Fairy, Fuwangi Boner, Microhard, Oozing, WIPOS, Ben, and Seamus.
The Run:
6:30 am: Basket posts the third updated directions on the RIH3 website guestbook, paranoid that fellow hashers would get lost finding the start and be late for the hash.
6:10 pm: Dry Foot arrives at the St. Patrick’s Rectory in Cumberland. To his dismay, Father Abraham was not there.
6:12 pm: Dr WHO arrives. To his dismay, Dry Foot was there.
6:15 pm: Fuwangi arrives – to everyone’s dismay.
6:17 pm: Somewhere along Rt. 122, Basket (the hare) get’s pulled over by a cop for speeding. Cop agrily asks Basket why he is speeding at 42 mph in a 25 mph zone. Cop sees Seamus and begins to soften up. Cop then sees the keg of Trinity IPA, tapped, with clear indication that beer is flowing, and his mouth begins to water. Cop says to Basket, “I’m not clear on the open container law, but this looks awefully suspicious.” Cop then sees that Basket is wearing a kilt (an obvious sign that Basket was prepared to offer sexual favors). Clearly enough to rattle the cop’s nerves, the cop reluctantly lets Basket go with only a 5 mph-over speeding ticket.
6:25 pm: Meanwhile, Bondo, WIPOS, Oozing, and the ever-reliable Microhard arrive. Everyone huddles around Bondo and his van. Why? First, he has beer. Second, his Bondo farts keep everyone warm from the brisk wind.
6:35 pm: Convinced that the hare is still setting trail, everyone dispersed looking for trail. After a few unsuccessful minutes, they all return, huddled together like a pack of penguins to preserve warmth.
6:40 pm: Fuwangi runs across the street to get some smokes. Dry Foot calls Basket and asks where the f*ck he is. Basket confesses and indicates that he was only 5 minutes away.
6:45 pm: Basket arrives to a pack of frustrated, frozen, and very thristy hashers. Luckily for the hare, he has a full, tapped keg of Trinity IPA in his truck. He explains why he was late. Nobody listens, nobody cares. In fact, with a full keg of beer, nobody even wants to run. Who could blame them? WHO could not, indeed!
6:50 pm: The hare is off, live setting trail.
6:55 pm: Reluctantly, the pack is off, thus starting a half hour late for the hash that the hare took painstaking efforts to ensure everyone else was there early. If it hadn't been so f*cking cold, it may have been f*cking brilliant.
Trail went north along Broad St. to the first intersection, then east along Church St. A check was encountered, but trail was soon found by Fuwangi heading north along High St. He ignored the next check, which led trail along the cemetary at Mcgirr St. Then led by WHO, trail went into a field, cross the field, and to a fence. Everyone slid underneath the gate, but Bondo had a little trouble fitting through (one wonders why!). WIPOS started to complain of all the pavement. He had a valid argument. Nevertheless, trail finally reached the abandoned tracks along Happy Hallow Pond, which led southward.
Uneventfully, trail reached Abbot St. and led northward. Microhard was the unsuspecting FRB! Soon, trail reached High St. again and the hare led everyone on a giant circle jerk and recycled his own trail. Everyone suspected the BC to be back at St. Patrick’s, but this only fooled Bondo (not much of a stretch). Bondo waited at the cars where a cruiser came by asking him if he was associated with the crazy old man in the skirt running with a St. Bernard. No one knew the real answer, but the fact that Bondo wasn’t cuffed and brought in for further questioning led everyone to suspect the validity of his story. I digress.
The beer check was predictably underneath the bridge at John St. and only Oozing was fooled. Bondo was too busy being interrogated by the Cumberland cop to join the rest. Beer was savored while they grew cold and comiserated that the last time they were at this spot, the trail was orders of magnitude better than tonight. Even Microhard complained! Dissatisfied with the lack of shiggy, only Microhard and WHO followed the hare through some shiggy heading north along the riverbank. The others conceded to the obvious and followed John St. back to the cars and an awaiting Bondo.
Fearing yet another encounter with the police, the hare had everyone meet at The Lodge for the circle. By this time, Microhard had enough and took off, mentioning something about picking up a friend at the airport. Surprised at the originality of his excuse, the others took off to The Lodge where circle was held. Comments included: Basket almost arrested (horray!), Bondo almost arrested (yippee!), no bimbos (aww!), Microhard (neutral reaction), and the mathematical total somehow still equaled a –0.69! Hashit went to Oozing. Why? Who knew (actually WHO didn’t know) but it was just Oozing being Oozing.
At The Lodge, song was sung and patrons started to depart. But the waitstaff were entertained, nonetheless, and only hoping for a good tip for chasing all the good patrons away. Encouraged by the attention, the hashers belted out more songs (but after they got their food). Yet once the beer dried up, they departed. At least this time, nobody stole a cop’s beer! Luck, as it seemed, was on the wrong side of the law on this night.
On On
Dry Foot Fairy