The World According to Saw'er Squat

Author (Hare):  Amish It Head

Publisher:  RIH3

Date:  May 8, 2006 (Run #1049)

Number of Miles:  3.5

Principle Character:  Cumunder Pubic Saw’er Squat: In the story we see Saw’er Squat growing up, becoming a hashing fanatic and a wanker.

(Also, Async, Basket, Bondo, Cum Under PSHS, Dr WHO, Dry Foot Fairy, Fuwangi Boner, Trail Hoover (SESYB), Oozing, WIPOS, Ben, and Seamus.)

Minor Characters:
Jenny “Trail Hoover” Fields: Saw’er Squat's mentor. She is a nurse at the Steering School. She has written a book called 'A Sexual Suspect', which becomes an enormous success. Although she doesn't want to be, Trail Hoover becomes a model for hashing. In her parental house she runs reception centre for hashers.

Helen “Oozing” Garp-Holm: Saw’er Squat's wife. Together the have ups and downs in their lives.

Duncan “Async”, Walt “Fuwangi Boner” and Jenny “G@GH”: Saw’er Squat's children. Fuwangi was killed in a car accident. In the same car accident Async loses' one eye. G@GH is born after the car accident.

Robert(a) “Boom Boom “ Muldoon: An ex-football player. She used to be a man, but she had a sex-change-operation. She is a close friend of Trail Hoover and Saw’er Squat. She is Trail Hoover’s right hand and 'bodyguard'.

Ernie “Dr. WHO” Holm: Oozing’s father, Saw’er Squat's wrestling coach. He dies of a heart attack.

Michael “WIPOS” Milton: A student of Oozing. He has an affair with Oozing.

The Fletchers “Seamus and Ben”: Friends of Saw’er Squat and Oozing who have marital problems.

Title and Theme:

Saw’er Squat's world is a world of extremes. Happiness often lies too close to sorrow, new life is too closely connected with death, joy is followed by disaster too quickly, so much that one wonders how anyone can remain optimistic in such circumstances. It is a world for people for whom hashing life is very important, but who also constantly worries about the dangers that threaten the safety of the hash. Extreme feminism is one of its most dangerous threats.

Setting:

The story is set at Snake Den Park and at the Dame Farm, the farm of Trail Hoover, both in Rhode Island. Some important events take place in Burrilleville and Bishop Hill Tavern. The story actually begins in 1967, when Trail Hoover is negative 7 years old. Saw’er Squat is born in 1967 and dies…WHO knows when.

Summary:

Saw’er Squat’s hashing mentor, Trail Hoover, hates wankers chasing bimbos. In 1969, when a hasher reaches under her kilt, she wounds him with a scalpel. She is a hasher with RIH3 where many hash casualties occur. Here she nurses hasher Dry Foot Fairy, who has lost nearly all his mental faculties and who is slowly dying of too much beer. Trail Hoover uses him to make herself pregnant. Her daughter she calls Saw’er Squat. Trail Hoover accepts a job as Grand Master at Hashing School and there Saw’er Squat grows up. Trail Hoover becomes an inveterate hasher. Saw’er Squat's ear is partly bitten off by Ben, the dog belonging to the Bondo Jovi family. Bondo is generally disliked. He refuses to have Ben put down and this is the beginning of a long feud between Saw’er Squat and the Bondo Jovi family. When, at the age of fifteen, Saw’er Squat has to choose a sport, Trail Hoover happens to be at a hash, where she watches the wankers. Their hare is Amish It Head, who has recently come east in order to give his daughter Oozing a better education. He never realized that girls were not allowed at RIH3.

The only thing Oozing knows about her mother is that she is a hasher, and when she sees Trail Hoover she at once embraces her and calls her mother. Trail Hoover registers Saw’er Squat for hashing and Saw’er Squat often meets Oozing at the hash. When Oozing tells Saw’er Squat that she will only marry a hasher, she decides at that moment to become one.

During her graduation year Saw’er Squat sends Oozing her first story, which she does not like. That same year Bondo tries to seduce Saw’er Squat, but he appears to know nothing about sex. Trail Hoover decides to take Saw’er Squat to Burrilleville after her graduation, but before leaving she tries to finish with Bondo where she had to stop before. Taking her to the infirmary during the night, she meets Ben, gets into a fight and bites off part of the dog's ear. In Burrilleville, Trail Hoover and Saw’er Squat move from one hashhouse to another before settling down in a rented apartment (somewhere on Snake Hill Rd). Saw’er Squat has to be her mentor's guide, because she speaks no German (WHO does?). She wants to write a book, but does not know how to start a story. Saw’er Squat only writes to Oozing. Trail Hoover and Saw’er Squat become interested in Franz “Boom Boom” Grillparzer, an unimportant Austrian writer, and they discover his name everywhere. She decides to use the name in the title of her first major story, a story about a hasher who is employed to inspect bimbos and pubs, but who uses his whole hash chapter to carry out this task. When Trail Hoover and Saw’er Squat meet some (man)whores, Trail Hoover wants to talk to one of them about lust. Afterwards Saw’er Squat regularly meets this man, Enema Bill, who is much older than she is.

Trail Hoover’s writing goes faster since she has decided on the title 'A Sexual Suspect'. Saw’er Squat in the meantime meets some American hashers and finds out afterwards that she has contracted a venereal disease. Also the (man)whore Enema Bill is suffering from such a disease and Saw’er Squat visits him in a very expensive clinic where he dies shortly after. After his death she goes back to work on 'The Pension Grillparzer'. When Trail Hoover finishes her book she sends it to Oozing for her opinion. After fifteen months Saw’er Squat and Trail Hoover return to hashing. After reading Saw’er Squat's story, Oozing marries her. They have already arranged that Saw’er Squat will take charge of the housework after the birth of their first child, who is a boy called Async. Trail Hoover’s book 'A Sexual Suspect' is an enormous success.' When her father dies she takes care of her mother and the house becomes a centre for women in trouble, who see in Trail Hoover a last resort. One of her companions belongs to the Tinker movement. Tinker is a 10-year-old girl who has hashed and had lost her virginity. As a protest against what happened to Tinker, these hashers also have lost their virginity.

Saw’er Squat's first novel, Procrastination, about Burrilleville in the years 2005-2006, is published and receives favourable reviews. Saw’er Squat and Oozing have a second son, Fuwangi Boner. Saw’er Squat writes a second novel, called Second Wind of the Cuckold, of which the success is slightly smaller than that of her first novel, and Oozing takes on a second job as a professor of English.

Their friends, Seamus and Ben, have marital problems and the result of attempts to help them are that for a time Saw’er Squat is involved with Seamus and Oozing with Ben.

Trail Hoover introduces her latest companion, Roberta “Boom Boom” Muldoon, formerly Robert “Basket” Muldoon, a famous football player, and now Trail Hoover’s bodyguard. Saw’er Squat often worries about her children and when Async wants to spend the night with a friend, whose mother Saw’er Squat does not like, he tries to persuade him to stay at home. When the woman visits him, she clearly offers herself and feels insulted when Saw’er Squat turns her down. Async has gone to her house all the same and Saw’er Squat wants him out of it, as he thinks the woman is mad. He decides to go to the house and finds it in a disgusting state. The woman is obviously drunk and asks him to rid her of something upstairs. The something turns out to be a boy in her bedroom and Saw’er Squat has to use her trail-finding techniques to get him out. Once more the woman tries to seduce him, but he decides to carry the sleeping Async home.

One day Saw’er Squat hears that Bondo has died in childbirth and he phones Bondo’s wife to offer her condolences. She is not aware that Bondo died several months ago, and his phone call gets through on the day that Ben finally dies, and Bondo’s wife thinks that this is one of Saw’er Squat’s cruel jokes.

At home Saw’er Squat finds Oozing reading a story by one of her students, WIPOS, and detects a guilty look on her face. WIPOS is Saw’er Squat’s opposite in every way and Oozing has fallen for him. Saw’er Squat wants her to read one of his stories, thinking that this would attract her towards him again. This story is called Vigilance and is about a hasher who is obsessed with beer in the suburb where he lives. After reading it Oozing indeed loves Saw’er Squat very much, although she does not like the story.

Saw’er Squat often panics when one of the children catches a mere cold. She has nightmares during which she finds herself unable to wake up one of her sons. On a cold, snowy day one of WIPOS's former fashion advisors informs Saw’er Squat that Oozing is involved with WIPOS. When Oozing gets home, Saw’er Squat makes believe she is drowning herself, and Oozing realises that she knows about her and WIPOS. She assures him that it is all over now. Saw’er Squat takes the kids to the pictures and tells Oozing to phone WIPOS and break off with him. In spite of Oozing's protests, WIPOS drives over to her house and in his car they quarrel.

As he is unable to reach Oozing on the phone, Saw’er Squat races home despite very bad visibility. She crashes into WIPOS's Saab and in this accident Fuwangi is killed and Saw’er Squat, Oozing , Async and WIPOS badly injured, so Trail Hoover becomes a hasher again. The Saw’er Squat family moves into her house. With the whole family slowly improving, Saw’er Squat feels like writing again. She and Oozing have come closer together since the accident, although thoughts of the accident still disturb them when they are together. In her new novel Saw’er Squat puts all her grief. The story 'The World According to Bensenhaver' is in fact the first chapter of her new novel. The subject is hashing and the reactions of the victim and of the investigating police officer.

Dry Foot Fairy, Saw’er Squat's publisher, dislikes the story so much that he does not want to publish it. When Saw’er Squat insists, he publishes it in a pornographic magazine. Dry Foot still feels this reluctance when the novel is finished, but does publish it after all.

The Saw’er Squat family goes on holiday to Burrilleville in order to recover fully. Here, late one night they receive a telephone call that Trail Hoover, who has entered politics, has been shot by an anti-hasher man. Her funeral is to be the first hasher funeral in New York. Not even Saw’er Squat is allowed to be present, so Roberta “Boom Boom” Muldoon dresses her in hash clothes. But in spite of hers disguise Saw’er Squat is recognised by Snotty, Bondo's younger sister, who accuses him of having murdered her sister. Saw’er Squat can only run away, chased by some hashers. On the plane to Boston, she meets Tinker, who writes a note that she has lost both her shoes, and that she had been on her way to see Trail Hoover. Now Saw’er Squat tells her that she can stay with her family.

At Burrilleville, Dr. WHO tells Saw’er Squat that both Oozing's father and Bondo have just died. After the funerals the Saw’er Squat family decides to stay at Burrilleville, where Oozing will teach and Saw’er Squat will be the hare. They have another child, a daughter, called Great at Giving Head. In her will Trail Hoover has appointed Saw’er Squat to be the executioner of her last wishes. As a consequence her house is turned into a Foundation supporting hashers with all sorts of problems. Saw’er Squat wants to make an exception for the Tinkers, whom she considers insane. Tinker even writes an article about these hashers, because she, too, thinks they are not behaving in a normal way. The reactions that Tinker receives to this article infuriate Saw’er Squat , who strongly attacks them in a written reply. The situation becomes explosive when two Tinkers try to run Saw’er Squat down with their car, but she escapes and the hashers are killed when the car hits a wall. In the meantime Saw’er Squat's son Fuwangi has become quite a good artist and when Saw’er Squat's first story is reprinted, her son illustrates it.

One morning Saw’er Squat talks about writing to her favourite hasher Dr. WHO. Writing means to Saw’er Squat trying to keep everyone alive. That same day a hasher enters the hash where Saw’er Squat is the hare, walks up to her and shoots her. In her final moments Saw’er Squat recognises in her attacker a Tinker. She is thirty-three when she dies. The hasher turns out to be Bondo , who has recently run out of beer.

Oozing lives to be quite old and never remarries. Roberta “Boom Boom” Muldoon looks after Fuwangi. Tinker becomes a hasher. G@GH outlives all the others and becomes a doctor.

Things that struck me during hashing:

A thing that struck me, was the fact that Amish describes certain things, that come across the hash later in a very detailed way. Like the gear-shift-shaft, which misses its top, so it's quite sharp. Many checks further, in a car accident, Fuwangi falls with his eye into the shaft, he loses one eye.

Most exciting mile:

In the hash there isn't just one especially exciting mile, that points out. But if I had to chose one of them I think I'll chose the one in which Saw’er Squat speeds up the driveway, the engine stalled and the headlights out, and runs into to WIPOS’s Saab:

(page 350) 'Saw’er Squat hit the bottom of her driveway at about forty miles per hour she came of the downhill road in third gear and accelerated just as he exited; she glimpsed how the driveway was glazed with frozen slush, and worried momentarily that the Subaru might slip on the short uphill curve. She held the car in gear until he felt what grip he had of the road; it was good enough, and she popped the sharp stick shift into neutral - a second before she killed the engine and flicked out the headlights.

They coasted up, into the black rain. It was like that moment when you feel an airplane lift off the runway; the children both cried out in excitement. Saw’er Squat could feel the children at her elbow, crowding each other for the one favoured position in the gap between the bucket seats.

'How can you see now?' Async asked.

'She doesn't have to see,' Fuwangi said. There was a high thrill in Fuwangi's voice, which suggested to Saw’er Squat that Fuwangi wished to reassure himself.

'I know this by heart,' Saw’er Squat assured them. It was, after all, Snake Den.

'It's like being underwater!' cried Async; he held his breath afraid of shiggy.

'It's like a dream!' said Fuwangi; he reached for his brother's hand for “we’re all queers together!”

This is the end of chapter 13 (Fuwangi catches a cold) and in the beginning of chapter 14 (The World According to Marcus Aurelius) Amish It Head tells us how the Saw’er Squat family will recover after the hash, which is described two paragraphs further.

In this hash Async gets killed, which is described in the end of the chapter. Fuwangi loses one eye. Saw’er Squat has a broken jaw and twelve stitches in her tongue, so had to write messages like the Tinkers, which she hated. Oozing needed two stitches in her tongue; broke to teeth and suffered neck aches for the rest of her live. WIPOS lost three-quarter is of his penis. 'It's like a dream!' were the last words Fuwangi said. But it turned out to be a nightmare.

My own opinion:

The hash had everything a hash needs in my opinion. There were lots of funny parts but there were also the emotionally parts. Dramatic parts quickly followed funny parts. It was an easy trail to run, because there were not many difficult checks, and if there were difficult checks, you could get the direction of the trail out of the distant horns.

My favourite hasher was Fuwangi. He has, as a little child, an other look on the world than the elderly people, he also uses other words for things, like the Under Toad: Saw’er Squat and Oozing warned the children of the undertow of the sea, it would drag them into the sea and drown them, Fuwangi thought there was a gigantic toad under the water that would drag him under the water and drown him if wasn't paying attention.

The passages between Fuwangi and Async were often funny.

Scribe’s Note: The real book review and unfortunate author of this entire write-up can be found here: http://www.scholieren.com/boekverslagen/389
Someday, I will do an actual write-up to this hash, but I think this one is much better!