The Wickford Manly Men’s Hash

Run #1050, May 15, 2006

Hare:  Tinker

Location:  Oak Hill Tavern, Wickford

Weather:  Low 50’s, occasional sprinkles.

Present:  Basket Boom Boom, Oozing SD, Dry Foot Fairy, Dr WHO, Bondo Jovi, WIPOS, Amish It Head, Ben, Seamus.

Commemorating:

May 15, 1862 General Benjamin F Butler issues "Woman's Order" - women of New Orleans to be treated as whores as a result of their treatment of Union soldiers
AND:
May 15: Commemoration of St Dymphna, patron of the insane

The Run:

The Manly Man is a swaggering man, carrying himself with pride and self-assurance.

The run was another man’s run, for manly men only. No women dared brave the wrath of the hare Tinker, known for his bizarre checks, his toxic shiggy and his blatant disregard for private property laws and other girlish niceties of civilization. No, this run was for MEN! Aha! It threatened rain. The men of the RIH3 laugh at bad weather! Ha! Ha! So it was that the masculine group gathered in the upper parking lot of the Oak Hill Tavern, and broke wind together, laughed loudly and deeply together, and adjusted their testicles together, awaiting the start.

The manly man goes where he wants, wears what he wants and says what he wants with no fear of condemnation.

Off at six-thirty, they ran briefly (but in a manly way) out north on Rt 1, and following the hare’s instructions, turned right just opposite Haverhill Ave. Led by WHO and Basket they entered the woods. Trail led between two small ponds. A check caused some chaos, but soon trail was found coming onto the east-west railroad grade so often encountered during Wickford hashes. Basket guessed right and soon called On-On. The rest of the men followed. And then, WHO found an arrow pointing north. He called the men across a small canal, into a brief bushwhack.

The manly man is not a follower and may not be a leader but, is undeterred by external forces or obstacles.

Basket continued straight for a while and then tried to rejoin the group. Unfortunately for the group, he was able to find them as they emerged confused from the clockwise circle jerk that brought them back to the grade. They continued east. It got worse. They encountered the hare. They came to another check. WHO and Amish went straight. Basket and Dry Foot turned north along the banks of a pond. But of course, it was a “Tinker Check”. Finally realizing this, they turned back, and found trail coming out into a cul-de-sac that ultimately circled southeast onto Prospect St.

The Manly Man is not a quitter. Comfort and difficulty do not deter the Manly Man. He does his job to the fullest.

Trail was followed now southwest on Prospect. A check led to confusion, particularly after the hare was sighted in his car. Was there some auto-hashing going on? Not with these manly and man-like men! They turned left on Ashton at first. Basket continued straight. Amish and Dry Foot waited for someone to call on. They ultimately turned back to Prospect and, with Oozing picked up true trail east on Annaquatucket. WHO was on Amy (in a manly way, of course). He too heard the call, and followed. Basket knew enough (inside information?) to head for the High School, and he caught up with the men as they milled around the back parking lot of the school.

The Manly Man does not bitch. He does not whine or moan about the task at hand but rather works beyond the call of duty. His attitude is "can do" or even better "will do".

Finally marks were rediscovered. They led east between the track and the tennis courts. A large figure was sighted ahead. It was Bondo! Had he been hitching a ride? Or was it simply blind luck? We may never know. At any rate, he assured the rest that there was no trail northwards, and suggested that the group concentrate their search at the southeast border of the playing fields. Oozing and Dry Foot immediately turned north. The rest followed.

Trail was found on Fairway, heading northeast. They crossed Rt 1A. Marks continued into a neighborhood on Elm Drive. They met WIPOS. How had HE got there? Was there a rocket concealed in his stick?

The Manly Man forges his own destiny. He does not rely on public aid and socialistic programs. He is most likely a Republican.

WIPOS assured the group that there were no marks to the left, and suggested they continue straight. They immediately turned left. Trail led past a few houses and then into the woods. On a peninsula in a small pond they encountered a very manly castle-shaped structure; a sort of he-man gazebo. It would have been a brilliant beer check. They all looked carefully around it, not believing the hare had not taken advantage. Sadly trail led on, into someone’s back yard, and then out onto Cold Spring Lane, at the Wickford Alzheimer’s Center (the hare’s home away from home).

The Manly Man lives with the cards he is dealt.

Running through the Center’s parking lot, trail was temporarily lost. Most scouted around the Wickford Public Beach, assuming that beer could not be far away. But there was more pain to come. Luckily, these men can take it! Amish finally picked up trail west on Beach. An arrow pointed north on Steamboat, and they ran northeast over street after street all the way out to the end of Poplar Point. Finally, they found the hare’s car. And the Beer Check. On of the hare’s old neighbors had traded up. He unwisely had agreed to allow the hash to decamp upon his sea-wall. And so they did.

Questionable beer choices and pretzels were shared. The baseball game could be seen on the host’s TV through the window. Manly Singing began.

The Manly Man likes to be entertained. He likes manly music. His music is a reflection of his way of life. It is not the Top-40 music made for the masses. It is honest, loud and individual. Sometimes it is off-color.

And then the hare suggested that they circle up here, as well. Oh, the travesty! But they moved down to the pebbled “beach” and circled. Partly in the cold water. No sweat for the manly! Ratings for the run: no shiggy, no trail after the BC, too much asphalt, wasted manly castles, and unpleasant close encounters with Bondo and WIPOS, could only be counter-balanced by the “Tinker Checks” and the farthest distance EVER traveled by a hare. [Until Snotty finally sets a trail, for crying out loud!] Total: -0.69. Hashit: No one could prove the various charges of auto-hashing, inside info, short-cutting, etc. So hashit of course went to the least manly: Basket.

Tinker drove some back to pick up cars (taking Bondo, thus causing great rejoicing to those left behind, but causing great distress to the already psychotic Ben).

The Manly Man loves cars. The manly car can be almost any car, except such blatantly girl cars such as pink Cadillacs. Or lesbian cars. Like Subarus. Usually it is made in America. Most manly men can do up to 80 percent of their own mechanic work. Hot metal, burning oil and caustic chemicals are the manly man's world. Manly cars must serve their purpose first. The Manly Man does not need air conditioning, a stereo, or other worldly environmental controls.

They were finally all picked up, and were in time for once for the steak fry at the Oak Hill Tavern. It was a fine and manly way to finish. Cooking raw and dripping red meat outside on an open flame. Drinking beer with bits of popcorn and peanuts thrown in. Trying to get Bleu-cheese coated cherry tomatoes into Basket’s beer.

The Manly Man eats, he does not pick and sort his food. He knows how to order and can pick his own wine or drink. He likes spicy and robust foods and has a fondness for meat. He is not a vegetarian. If the Manly Man is required to prepare the food he prefers to cook with fire and may even use a red hot exhaust manifold under the hood of his car. The only magic he might use is the microwave, because of the possibility this method carries for "blowing things up".

Baseball on the TV with the Red Sox winning 11-1. Doesn’t get more manly than this! Well, maybe if there had been an action movie on.

The Manly Man also likes movies. There are a few things that distinguish a manly movie. Number one is smoke. A manly movie must have some form of smoke. It may come from tires, guns, fires or best of all explosions. The manly movie should also have women. But that part is optional.

Sorry SESYB! Sorry Cum Under! Sorry, Swallows, EverReady, Deep Throat, Mother Goose, Bungy, and Shine On! Sorry P.W.! We hereby announce the RI All-men’s hash! (Don’t worry, ladies. You can visit any time you like. P.W.? You’re out of luck! The Manly Man loves women (not girls) and they are his weakness. The Manly Man must develop discipline in this area. The undisciplined man may become diluted and may become Hen Pecked. (P.W.!) At this point he is no longer manly, but is a servant to the woman. The Manly Man does not hit his woman. The Manly Man does not abuse his status or power. He need not rape, beat up or use violence to get his way. If the Manly Man is truly manly (and real women can readily recognize a Manly Man) he usually has enough women to suit his needs.)

Now having the outline to being a Manly Man: Go, young man and be an example of Manliness to all those whipped Girlie Boys.

On On