The “Torture Me” Hash

Run #1051, May 22, 2006

Hare:  Oozing

Location:  Park Elementary School, Warwick, Rhode Island

Weather:  60's, sunny

Present:  Async, Dr WHO, Basket Boom Boom, Fuwangi Boner, Bondo Jovi, Dryfoot Fairy, Amish Ithead, G@GH, PW, Neon (visitor), Ben, Seamus.

The Run:

WHO woulda known that the hare could have predicted an accurate name for his own hash? Or would WHO know? I bet WHO would. What was touted as the “Torture Me” hash became frighteningly real and more, as it slowly transformed into a “Torture Me and YOU” hash.

The d’erections included the following words “...take this for 0.4 miles and take left on Asylum Rd (every road in Warwick should be called that). Go 0.7 miles to end (curving past entry to park) to elementary school at end…” One quick look at the map showed that there were two options for this hash:

1. We were going to run in the park
B. We were going to run in the street

Or any combination of the two, like running in the park and then running in the street. Or running in the street and then running in the park. One thing we knew for sure was that we’d be running in the street and in the park, maybe both at the same time.

Things started out nicely. Sunny weather, warm temps, and good discussion lead by Async on bird sanctuary gay hangouts. What could go wrong? And then it happened. PW arrived. And then it happened again. Bondo. And again. Fawangi. And again with G@GH. Things momentarily looked good with the lack of Basket , but little did we know what torture was ahead (WHO said head?!).

Trail started off westward running through about 100ft of “woods” before hitting the paved bike path in the park. The hare had given us direction to take a left at the first check (hence eliminating the purpose of the check) so ahead the pack forged in tight formation. Dare I say that we looked like a “running club?!” What torture!

At this point things got interesting. And by interesting, I mean boring. Trail took a right back into a slightly wooded area, just a stone’s throw away from the paved path. A check or two were thrown in for good measure, but somehow they managed to fool no one (and come on, the hash ain’t that smart) and once again the pack forged ahead in tight formation. What torture!

Trail headed slightly north-west across a beautifully manicured lawn towards the northern branch of Buttonwoods Cove. Oh, did I mention we also crossed a street? This is just one occasion where we ran on the street and in the park at the same time. A check was found in the middle of a Stonehenge-esque structure where bloody, barbaric, pain-inflicting, never-ending, animalistic acts of torture are most likely conducted following sun-down*. Almost like running this hash. True trail was quickly found on a path that lead east paralleling the cove shore and a paved bike path. What torture!

With Fawangi, Async and G@GH leading the pack (not by far though, the lack of shiggy once again allowed us to stay in tight formation), everyone slowly worked their way south-east towards the shore. A “BN” was found and hopes were up, could this be a reprieve? Only a stone’s throw away was the beach and all became even more excited (in an emotional, not physical, manner mind you) once a “B” was found. That was until our search for beer left us empty handed and unsatisfied. Just like how we felt about this hash. Apparently the hare was carrying it on his back and once confronted gave up the tasty brew. There we stood on the beach, in nice weather, thinking that the rest of the evening could only get better. And then we heard it – in the distance. Calls of “on-on” and a horn known to be attached to only one man (term used loosely), Basket. What torture! WHO and Dry Foot popped out of the woods and quickly poured themselves a beer from the dwindling reserve. All others topped theirs off at the last second prior to Basket’s arrival, finishing the rest. A beer was saved for visitor Neon, who foiled the RIH3’s attempt, once again, at being an all-man hash.

After drinking the beers down and pathetically singing a song or two the hare directed the pack to head north-west away from the shore back to the cars. A quick jog back through the park, on the paved bike path none-the-less, had us back into the 100ft or so of “woods” behind the starting point. What torture!

A short circle was held where comments included, but were not limited to: no shiggy, Basket’s a dingleberry, this sucks, “thanks for it being so short Oozing,” too much pavement. Mathematical total for the run: -6.9!! Hashit went to Basket for, well, being Basket. A lover’s quarrel between him and PW ensued and Neon was brought to the center as a visitor. Just prior to Swing Low, someone blurted out “the cops” causing more than one person to drop their beer and scatter like roaches in the light. Pathetic! After cleaning up the mess the group proceeded to the cars where a short Swing Low was held prior to leaving for the Shannon View Inn for food. Corned beef sandwiches, burgers, and chicken fingers were eaten with a side of Guinness adorned with a shamrock drawn into the head. One more week until the next hash. What torture!

 
 
 
*bloody, barbaric, pain-inflicting, never-ending, animalistic acts of torture not confirmed by author, rather added in attempt to make the write-up of this pathetically boring hash exciting to read

On On

Amish It Head