Leave it to the Beavers Hash

Run #1053, June 5, 2006

Hare:  Great at Giving Head

Location:  Arcadia Wildlife Management Area, West Greenwich, RI.

Weather:  60's, cloudy

Present:  Async, Dr WHO, Basket Boom Boom, Bondo Jovi, Dryfoot Fairy, Amish Ithead, Mr Rogers (Boston visitor), Cumunder, Oozing, WIPOS, Ben, Seamus.

The Run:

Basket.

What a letdown. There was all this talk about it being the “end of the world hash” and no one died. No lightning bolts flashed from the sky to strike down us sinners. No flames lapped at our feet from weird looking holes in the ground. Oozing didn’t even trip over a wire fence and slice his nose open. Pathetic! I must take partial blame though; as I pulled onto Arcadia Rd I saw Bondo heading the wrong way and inexcusably turned him around. One less hasher on trail is at least two more beers available for us. Or six, something like that.

A small crowd including Mr. Rogers, a visitor from Boston, and a matching shirted WHO and Basket (how cute, did they call each other before leaving?) gathered prior to 6:30 in the parking lot outside of Browning Mill Pond. Starting off, the group headed east to Arcadia Rd and encountered the first of a few checks. It looked like a boob. Unfortunately, it was not a boob. Basket, not caring about the boob-like check, darted across the road and into the woods continuing east along true-trail. A slight left was taken as we approached a bridge stretching over a small pond, much to the unknown happiness of a woman fishing. WHO could imagine the ruckus that might ensue if we interrupted her after-work peace? Somehow Basket was able to maintain his position as FRB and WHO, Amish and Oozing followed. Cumunder and the visitor were nowhere to be found. Coincidence? I think not!

Trail continued in a clock-wise motion around the pond, which at this point had become more of a marsh, and the first water crossing was encountered. Luckily enough for the hash, the hare had been out slaving all day to place rocks in juuuust the right position to allow passage without getting wet. Brilliant! The second water crossing was a little trickier, not due to the hare, but due to mother nature and two of her loveliest creatures of all, the beaver! The dam trail had been covered with dam water as the beavers created their dam home. This caused all hashers to get their dam feet wet because there was no way to find a dam shortcut. This reminds me of one of those chain-letter like emails I received last year, which I will subject all of you to. Read it through you wankers – no short cutting to the end of this writeup!

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

============================================================================

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Haha – get it? That was a good story. Anyway, back to the trail. After hopping back on dry land the group (minus Bondo – where did Bondo go?) continued in a southward direction. Another boob check was encountered, with Basket making a right and shortly after tooting his horn to let others know he was on trail. But WHO listens to Basket? Actually, WHO does not – so he and Amish continued straight for a bit until hitting a false trail mark. A quick u-turn had them going back in the right direction where they met up with Oozing and followed the sounds of Basket. Once again, Cumunder and the visitor were nowhere to be found. Coincidence? I think not!

Trail weaved to and fro as it made a slightly uphill turn to a third, and most important boob check. The pack chose to go right. Not too much farther and a BN was spotted (but not by FRB Basket, who must have thought this hash was a race and continued to run in the #1 position for a long time*, as he managed to overlook this important mark) and everyone spread out looking for our reward for running this crappy trail. Viola, a cooler. Songs were once again scarce, but conversation on the Interhash was not. We were exposed to Cumunder stating she wants to see Bangkok for the shopping. And Oozing mentioning he wants to see Bangkok for the “entertainment.” And WHO reminiscing about a “slippery slidy.” For the love of Lucifer may the Interhash be over with so we can go back to a normal beer check. As the first beers were opened a grey flash came out of the woods – Async, who’d run the trail backwards and who was almost unrecognizable without his yellow coat. And then we turned to witness a mad race to the beer between WIPOS and Bondo, who even on a bike was not able beat the over-dressed one. Pathetic! Apparently being the only one to find the hare’s long falsie (hmm, that almost has a double meaning) wore the old man out.

Once everyone had been bored crazy with Interhash talk and a handful of song versus were sung, the hare admitted that the remainder of the trail was a straight gravel road back to the parking lot. Booo! In what felt like 30sec the pack was back at the cars and getting ready to circle up. Except that Cumunder and the visitor were nowhere to be found. Coincidence? I think not! The circle started as we hung out near the water drinking beers and having a good ‘ol time only to be interrupted by an “on-on” from the far side of the muddy, stinky, dirty inlet we were standing by. WHO else, but Cumunder. WHO , Amish and Oozing attempted to get her to swim across but a momentary flash of intelligence swept upon her (after going hip deep in water, though) and she decided to run around instead and stay dry.

The circle included various bits of nonsense. Two toilet-seat hashits. Oozing yapping his mouth that England was going to win the World Cup. Cumunder ogling the bare-chested hare. Dry Foot showing up just minutes before the circle. When the comments finally came out they included “good use of shiggy” to “no Fawangi,” to “Bondo running the long falsie” to “why can’t we just get out of here.” Total score: +7.0. WHO knows how we ended up with a rating not made up of “6s” and “9s,” it must be a first. Just as with the dual hashits that went to WHO and Basket for looking alternative by wearing the same shirt. Aren’t we all queers together though?

A spin up Rt 3 brought us to the Big River Inn, which was surprisingly packed. Once again the waitress was easy on the eyes, although not “biceps” from an earlier visit. That’s good though, the chances of any of us being able to stand up to her would be slim-to-none. After much confusion on WHO ordered what (how dare the waitress say that we must remember what we ordered ourselves!) everyone had their food and things quieted down. Will tomorrow be the end of the world? That’s for the devil to know and the us to find out….

*we really consider you “number two” material, Basket

On On

Amish It Head