Rubbin’s Racin’ Hash

Run #1054, June 12, 2006

Hare:  Bondo Jovi

Location:  Purple People Eater House – aka Bondo’s, Woonsocket, RI

Weather:  60's, sunny

Present:  Dr. WHO, Basket Boom Boom, Dryfoot Fairy, Amish Ithead, Short Peck, Cumunder, Oozing, WIPOS, Trail Hoover, Great at Giving Head, Ben, Seamus.

The Run:

Ok – this section should really be called “The Ride,” since there was no running. None. Nada. Zilch. What do you expect from Bondo though, he bike-hashed last week through Arcadia. And may I bring up one more time, lost to WIPOS (who was on foot, and yes – WHO was on foot) in a race to the beer check. HA-ha.

Throughout the ages there have been many famous left-turners including (but not limited to) Dale Earnhardt Sr., A.J. Foyt, Cale Yarborough, Bill Elliott, Richard Petty and the almighty Dick Trickle. Those who should be added to that list are Dr. WHO, Basket Boom Boom, Amish Ithead, Short Peck, Cumunder, Oozing , WIPOS, Trail Hoover and Great at Giving Head as Bondo’s “trail” was ALL lefts (the scribe would like to note that a right turn can be completed by making three consecutive lefts)! Just like NASCAR! Yeeeee-haaaawww. The only things needed to make this hash match a race-day were bimbos with teased blonde hair, a few pair of Wranglers and some coolers full of Busch Light. All of which would have made this hash actually worth coming to!

A good sign of bad things to come was when Bondo incorrectly posted directions to his own house. His own house! The rest of us should have taken these directions and run with them - meeting together in some random neighborhood in some random section of Woonsocket would surely have been better than 157 Meadow St and the crap trail that was soon to follow!

Once everyone showed up and prepped their mighty steeds for riding, trail led out of the driveway in the direction of three consecutive lefts. At the next intersection the pack went again in the direction of three consecutive lefts prior to realizing their mistake and making two consecutive lefts to head back towards 114. A three consecutive lefts turn was made onto 114 and shortly after a single left turn was made onto Farm St. A little bit up the road a check was encountered, although a quick look through the neighborhood to the three consecutive lefts and cemetery to the single left showed that trail led……….straight. Another check was located at Park St and despite Basket, G@GH and Amish making a three consecutive lefts rather than a single left they quickly found true trail after making a single left onto Summer St and then a three consecutive lefts back onto Farm St. By this time the pack had spread out into two groups. The front led by Basket and his Mary Poppins-style bike, complete with a shock-absorbing post supporting the wide, plush seat and bell. The rear led by, I don’t know – let’s say Hoover and her tight-fitting spandex shorts.

Everyone enjoyed the tour through the now-Massachusetts countryside cruising up Farm St until a check was encountered at a crazy intersection – my God, five roads! Handy Rd, Farm St, Blackstone St N, Blackstone St S, and Milk St. Where to go? Knowing at this point that Bondo was lazy (ok, we knew that well before) and just looping us around in a large circle jerk, the left onto Milk St was chosen and the pack continued on. At this point two disturbing incidents occurred. The first was conducted by Oozing as he suavely said “helllooo ladies” to a pair of 12 year old girls walking up the street coming back from a swim. The second was conducted by, well – Oozing, as he said “helllloo ladies” to a pair of sheep in a roadside pen. Ok, the last event isn’t 100% accurate, but I definitely noticed some increased excitement in his pedaling as we neared the soft, warm, wool-covered creatures.

As Milk St neared the intersection of Lincoln St, a mean gang of middle-school aged BMX bikers were encountered, but due to the hash’s superior athletic ability were quickly passed and a left turn onto Lincoln St left them in our dust. At this point the pack knew there was no chance of a beer stop and that we were being led back to the hare’s house. A three consecutive lefts was made onto Blackstone St and then a single left onto Ascension St. Another three consecutive lefts was made onto Federal St leading us to the CVS and Main/Harris St – where a single left was made bringing us to the home stretch. A “BN” was spotted, but at this point it meant nothing knowing were the beer was and a final single left was made onto Meadow plopping us in front of the hare. If you choose to call him that.

Somehow Short Peck was there, despite us front runners never seeing him on “trail.” Hopefully he was smart and made a quick two consecutive lefts at the beginning bringing him back to the hare’s house in order to enjoy beer and solidarity. Criticism was instantly brought up on the lack of trail quality, with nothing but excuses being fired back by Bondo. “I was golfing yesterday and didn’t have time to pre-set.” “I was live-haring so had to keep trail simple.” Waaaaa. Pathetic! A moment of compassion was had for the pack still left on the roads , and Basket agreed to pay Bondo triple the hash expenses if all came back without help. Of course triple of $0 is $0. Surprisingly, the rest of the pack straggled in shortly after, and everyone was itching to circle up and vent their frustrations. Comments included “beauty shiggy by the side of the road – that we didn’t ride though,” “I need to get some brownie points and I thought the trail was great despite my friend having a 40th birthday party causing me to show up late but at least I’m something something something……..,” “I’ll start with a list of everything that was good about this trail – nothing,” and “after this debacle I’ll never attend another Bondo hash again.” Total score was -69, which in my opinion is far better than it should have been. Short Peck was brought into the circle as a back-slider and last week’s dualing hashits of Basket and WHO managed to nominate, and successfully appoint, Oozing as this week’s hashit. Something about him not keeping his mouth shut.

Beers, burgers, potato salad and other goodies were enjoyed by all as the hare’s wife controlled the grill (showing the hare was just as lazy as hosting as he was at setting trail). Talk was amazingly devoid of Interhash plans, and Cumunder’s quandary on her July 3rd hash was feverishly debated. May I say, masterdebated? Despite the romantic feeling of the tiki torches and blood-sucking mosquitoes people slowly started leaving as the night progressed. May this be the last bike hash the RIH3 needs to endure……..

On On

Amish It Head