The “Is this a Freakin’ R*n??!!” Hash

Run #1063, August 14, 2006

Hare:  Oozing

Location:  Providence, RI

Weather:  Clear, 80’s

Present:  Eenie Weenie Dick, Justin My Ass, Basket Boom Boom, Amish Ithead, Cumunder, Just Sonya, Just Phil, Dr. WHO, WIPOS, Fuwangi, Dry Foot Fairy, Tinker.

 

The Run:

Hashers aren’t r*nners, and r*nners aren’t hashers – but this day the line began to blur.

Apparently August 14th is some sort of Independence Day in Pakistan. Release from UK oppression, yadda yadda yadda. The hare (being of Pakistani descent) thought this would be a great way to show his pride (which is not to be confused with his other “pride”) and told everyone to wear green in honor of the Paki flag. No one paid attention. Good reason – we’re in ‘Merica. Home of Baseball. Home of apple pie. Home of SUVs. And home of fat, lazy, uneducated kids. We’ll show you foreigners WHO’s boss, and do it while sitting in our La-Z-Boys with one hand in a bag of Doritos, one hand wrapped around a cold Budweiser and with a cheese dust-covered remote in our crotch. Team America…….Fuck Yeah!

Directions told the pack to show up at The Colonial, on Water St in Providence, prior to the start of the hash for dinks. Drinks that were rumored to be purchased by the hare WHO was not present. Actually, WHO was, but the hare was surprisingly absent. Actually, it wasn’t so surprising because that meant everyone else would have to pay for their own beers. Tricky. While standing around chatting with the bartender lady gal, two virgins showed up. Just Phil, and Just Sonya. Apparently the hare suckered them in with promises of it being a wonderful social event with lots of good food and beer. Ha!

As everyone stood around pre-lubing for the hash Oozing finally walked up, with a Pakistani flag tied around his shoulders like a cape. Funny? You bet! Marks were explained to the newbies and then the hare directed everyone northwards on Water St. Chalk arrows told the pack where to go, and quickly they bound towards Brown University and north on Main St. Everyone made their way through some backroads and then up two flights of stairs, only to find the first of a few checkbacks. Arggg! After a little looking around true trail was determined to head south, back down along Water St and what was expected to be India Point Park. It was at this time that the hare was spotted, on his bike, with his flag flying in the wind. Cheater! WHO do you think you are on a bike? Bondo?

A series of checks were found at the Wickenden St intersection and while WHO went straight (with Cumunder), Amish took a right towards the powerplant and called “on on” once three marks were found on the bridge. WHO, Eeenie Weenie Dick and Justin My Ass were quick to fall in line, but wish they hadn’t after another “on on” called by Amish ended up being a trick to get everyone to follow trail to a second check back. It worked, with Basket, Fawangi and Just Phil getting suckered over the bridge.

After backtracking a bit true trail was found heading up Wickenden St where there were still thoughts of the hare heading to India Point Park. Unknown to most of the group (I think), the bridge leading to the park going over 195 had been dismantled, so attempts to find marks in that area were useless. Basket still did his best though, and unfortunately his best didn’t lead him off into some section of Providence that would get him lost from the pack because he came running up through a playground to meet the others as Justin My Ass headed down Governor St following a few marks. After a few blocks he turned around telling others that he was on 2 with nothing else in sight, a quick double check by second set of eyes proved him wrong. As a dazed man and his dog sat on a porch confused by the group of yelling and horn blowing individuals passing by his house, the pack made a right down Powers St heading towards Gano. I think it was at this time that people realized “holy crap, we’ve been on pavement this whole time, is this a r*n?” And it felt like it. All it’d take to look like an official r*nning club are some matching jerseys and those short r*nning shorts that I could shove a sock in to simulate a large package. Um, I mean “and those short r*nning shorts that would show off my large package.” Yeah. That’s it.

Once over Gano, the pack hit some trails up around the back side of the ball fields, which lead to railroad tracks which lead to a cool wooden draw bridge. Yahoo! Dirt. But this experience would not last long. I thought to myself how great it would be if trail went to the east side of the Providence River so I took some steps out onto the railroad ties of the bridge. After a few ties, and no marks, I realized the hare was a girly man and turned back to meet Just Phil and continue on the “trail” back to Cold Spring St. A check was encountered at the intersection of Pittman, but all knew we’d be running towards Wayland Square. Home of The Edge, a fine dining establishment filled with wonderfully tasting high-priced coffees, sandwiches and baked goods. Oh, and some hot women. WHO knows how that happened? A quick check at the The Edge (once again – a fine dining establishment filled with wonderfully tasting high-priced coffees, sandwiches and baked good) was ignored and the group proceeded straight, on pavement, down Wayland then right on Humboldt. A small park was encountered, and chalk writing identified, but it ends up that what we saw was actually artwork from kids, not artwork of the hare – although he often does act like a kid.

Eenie Weenie Dick, WHO, Amish and Justin My Ass lead the way, after a u-turn on Humboldt, all the way to Arlington Ave, where a right was taken at the playing fields. Unfortunately Basket was not far behind, and he managed to drag the rest along. Except for Tinker and Just Sonya WHO managed to disappear on their own. More pavement was pounded (did I mention that this hash seemed like a r*n??) and a Lleft was taken on Lloyd Ave and then a quick right on Weymouth St. Amish led the way, but WHO knows how that happened! The pack joined back together behind the backside of the Brown running track and after the check at Olney put them on Morris Ave everyone knew we were heading the hare’s place for the beer check. Which couldn’t come fast enough as we’d been on the road for almost 26.2miles. Wow, sounds like a r*n!

Straight down Morris, left on Larch and then over Hope to the hare’s we go. At which time it started getting dark. Dark, yahoo – it’s Yummy time! Despite being at his own house, the hare apparently got lost along the way because he was one of the last to show up. Well, other than Cumunder who eventually straggled in. With the setting sun, beers were opened and songs were sung, much to the pleasure of the old neighbor lady, I suppose. Noone can confirm if Oozing’s younger, more attractive, female neighbor enjoyed our songs but some of the RIH3 enjoyed staring at her through the window. In attempt to get the theme back on track, Oozing brought out his slammin’ boom box and cranked up some of the local tunes. By local, I mean Pakistani. Once again, noone paid attention. After it was decided that 15 miles of r*nning would be enough for the hash, the beer check quickly became the circle. Comments on the run included “too much shiggy,” “the poison ivy I encountered on this trail won’t heal for months,” and “does anyone know how to suck the poison out of a snake bite?” Ok, I lied, none of that was said. I think everyone sat there in confusion rubbing their legs trying to remove the pain of miles r*n on pavement. Mathematical total: -69! Holy crap this one sucked. Hashit went to Fawangi just because it seemed like the right thing to do. After the last of the beer was polished off the group headed out (with Amish stealing the Pakistani CD loaded boombox) back towards The Colonial. All the way across town. Eh, what’s another 2miles of r*nning after the previous 529? Surprisingly The Colonial didn’t have much on the menu and all enjoyed ruebens, made and delivered one at a time. In other words dinner took just as long to get as it took the hash to r*n a huge loop around Providence. At least there was good beer on tap to hold us over!

A word of advice for anyone thinking of laying trail similar to this in the future. Don’t.

 

On On

Amish It Head