The Please Let Bondo Go Hash

Run #1068, September 18, 2006

Hare:  Basket Boom Boom

Location:  Smithfield, RI

Weather:  70's, clear.

Present:  Dr. WHO, Eenie Weenie Dick, Dry Foot Fairy, Amish Ithead, Bondo Jovi, Short Peck, WIPOS, Oozing, Candy Kaner, G@GH, Friar Tuck, Mr. Rogers.

The Run:

Euthanasia isn’t a bad thing. Actually, it’s quite humane. You know – like when you have to put down your old dog that can’t walk, control their bladder, or groom themselves. There’s a point in life when a being becomes so old that you just want to say “f*3k it, you’ve used up all your good years now it’s time to move on.” Such is the feeling we have with Bondo. And this hash attempted to relieve him of the burden of living by letting him play around in the woods, by himself, in the dark, to what we’d hope would be his timely demise. But it was not to be………..

Bondo was to have been the hare, but a last second swap had Basket taking his place. The pack showed up at Effins in Smithfield, which had just recently been renovated. A new clean pool awaited us. Some freshly tapped kegs awaited us. Heaven awaited Bondo. As 6:30 rolled on and the sun slowly set over the horizon the on-out was identified as crossing over 5/104/Farnum Pike and around back of Box Seats (home of mucho expensive-o pitcher-o). A little confusion occurred here, but trail was finally found heading south towards the dam. Short Peck, Dry Foot and Oozing lead the way. WHO, Candy Kaner and Amish rounded up the rear. WHO also managed to find himself a nice piece of trail trash (although technically, it wasn’t trash) in the form of a Molson Canadian table umbrella. Yahoo for WHO!

Trail led farther south towards the reservoir’s dam and the first check was encountered. Amish went left towards, and on, the road. G@GH, Eenie Weenie and Candy Kaner followed. And soon found out they wish they hadn’t, as trail really went right over the Woonasquatucket Reservoir’s outlet, which was 3” of fury (sound familiar Oozing?), and back onto dry land. Holding his umbrella high, WHO lead the way using it to clear though hundreds of small flying bugs. A second check was encountered at the path’s intersection with an apartment complex, and umbrella-toting WHO quickly found true trail to the left. Oozing found a little girl’s bike. Bondo was not to be found? WHO cares?

A second cross over 5/104/Farnum Pike (and a quick wave to WIPOS as he drove in late) had everyone circling around a small pond and at its end check number 3 was located. Amish and Candy Kaner went left. Oozing rode straight with WHO and Eenie Weenie not far behind. With false trail called by Amish and false trail called by Oozing there was only one option of where trail could go – left over the outlet stream from Stillwater Pond. Hey, it’s fall and it’s fairly warm. We might as well use the wet shiggy while we can. A couple fishing looked at us strangely as all (all except Bondo that is) braved the chest-high water towards the other side, where trail continued east towards the pond. WIPOS didn’t get wet. No one was surprised.

Not far up the stream a “B” was spotted, so close to the beginning of trail, awesome! Mr. Rogers , Friar Tuck, Short Peck and the others slowly walked out to a large rock that stuck out into the stream and enjoyed the brew. Some wondered where Bondo was. And then we saw him, on the other side way back near the couple fishing. Attempting to draw him across we cheered and jeered and beered. It didn’t work. At least it didn’t work the way we hoped as Bondo wussed out and got a ride over via canoe. Pathetic!

Expecting the beer check to be ruined any second we downed beers and hid others awaiting the old one’s arrival. It never happened. Thinking that our options where to go on trail and catch up to Bondo, or turn around and make our way back to the cars it became plainly obvious that Bondo was meant to be in the woods by himself. And if we were lucky he wouldn’t come back. A quick turn back down trail, from the way we came, up over 116 (Mr. Rogers voiced his confusion on why we did this) and back down to the trail had us going back towards Effins in no time. Somehow the pack split up, with Amish leading Candy Kaner, G@GH and Eenie Weenie farther west towards the cars by the way of his trusty car headlight-sized headlamp (WHO said head?), while the others stayed farther east and hit up the mystery car. You think this might be an issue, but seeing as the first group still had a good amount of beer left in their pitcher they stayed around the cars despite hearing horn and whistle blasts aplenty. I mean, why would you expect Basket, WHO, Dry Foot and WIPOS to actually know where they were going? After the beer was done, and once the whistle blasts became annoying the small group headed east to see the rest huddled around the Basket-mobile drinking from the keg.

And unfortunately, for us (and him), Bondo managed to make it. This only means that he’ll have to suffer through life until he meets the reaper through some weird incident like misuse of a Tom Cruise-adorned butt plug, or from heart attack # baker’s dozen from a polish sausage, or being hit by a car after bring dragged into the street by his whining, crying, annoying, unintelligent dog.

Pluses from the run included no Fawangi, no Bondo at the beer check, beauty view over the reservoir during the sunset (which was NOT planned by the hare). Negatives were – well, Bondo did make it back, having to organize the group after the run from different locations and having to cut the trail short in order to leave Bondo out on trail. Mathematical total, -6.9! Hashit was passed around a few times but eventually went to Basket.

What Effins didn’t know WAS going to hurt them as the group proceeded to the back porch, stripped down to their man-panties and jumped into the wonderfully clean pool. Some swam. Some dove. Oozing stayed on the shallow end. Hash 1: Effins 0. Lots of chips and salsa were eaten and lots of pizza too. One chicken sandwich got thrown in there somehow, WHO knows how that happened - huh WIPOS? The amazing part? Effins doesn’t quite know what to charge for pitchers so the drinkin’ was cheap. Yahoo!

A bunch of songs later and we left that place like a $5 whore – used and abused. Pool dirty? Check. Beer drunk up? Check. Chips and salsa munched down? Check. Bondo no longer with us? Crap. Maybe it’ll work in his (our) favor next time…….

On On

Amish It Head