The “5 (un)Wise Men” Hash

Run #1071, October 9, 2005

Hare:  Dry Foot Fairy

Location:  Scituate, RI

Weather:  60’s, clear

Present:  Amish, Basket, Oozing, Dr. WHO, Seamus.

The Run:

The account of the Journey of the Magi is a significant one to the Christian religion. And one that has, surprisingly, many similarities to the hash that occurred on October 9th. Coming from the East, five (un)wise men converged underneath the blue neon cross of the Shepherd of the Valley United Methodist Church on the corner of Seven Mile Rd and Scituate Ave for what they thought would be a holy enlightenment. Can I get an Amen!?

Word of this event had spread far and wide via the RIH3 webpage and included such uplifting, inspirational and spiritual phrases as “LIVE HARE EXTRAVAGANZA,” “not 1, not 2, but 3(!) beer checks!,” and “So Ladies….and Girls.” Can I get an Amen!? Even the pastor of the Shepherd of the Valley United Methodist Church couldn’t stay away, although after a quick check of our sincerity for respecting Jesus’s parking lot returned to what we can only assume was a hardcore training session for the Breakers Marathon. May God provide him with fast feet. Can I get an Amen!?

Just as Gaspar, Melchior and Balthasar traveled to see baby Jesus by following the Star of Bethlehem, Amish, Basket, Oozing and Dr. WHO traveled towards the beer check by following the divine mark of flour on trail. Which started south on Seven Mile drive taking them over Scituate Ave. It was not far past this awe-inspiring intersection when the first check was encountered. Oozing looked towards the heavens for an answer. WHO looked in the field. Amish looked farther down the road. Basket looked like a jackass. Just when all hopes appeared lost WHO called on not once, not twice, but three times. Just like the number of Magi. Can I get an Amen!?

Traveling East through the well manicured fields, trail slowly curved south towards a short fence. WHO lead the way like a man possessed (possessed with His spirit – can I get an AMEN!?) and the others followed close behind. A check led them directly east again and shortly after, the pack crossed a small stream. Surprisingly not one shoe got wet – whether they walked on water or WIPOS somehow slipped in some WIPOS gear (without being there – it’s a miracle, can I get an Amen!?) they will never know.

Another check showed up, looking like an angle’s halo, and WHO went right. Amish went left as if being called upon by a supreme being and did for his brethren as he wished they’d do for him, called “on-on” at the third mark. Basket and Seamus were hot on his heels, WHO wasn’t far behind and Oozing stayed awful close to the hare. Not too close though, as we all know how the Big JC feels about “those” kinda relationships. Can I get an Amen!?

A few ups and downs on the nicely manicured horse trails put us at yet another check, and while Amish managed to fall into a trap by going left (kinda like the trap Herod wanted to set for the Magi so he could find out where baby Jesus was), Basket and WHO found true trail straight into a small field. Once again, Oozing was not to be found. Eh, all the history mentions three Magi, so a 4th would really screw with this write-up. Can I get an Amen!?

After the field was crossed a small path led the group into another wooded area. One large tree lay across the trail (as if smote down by the hand of God!), but it was easily bypassed by leaping over or jogging around. What’s this? Another check! Amish went straight, WHO went left, Basket did something. Towards the left was a deer stand, apparently used by Oozing on a pervious hash in attempt to urinate on others. This, I’m sure, was not viewed as golden love coming from the skies above. With no Oozing, and therefore no urine (can I get an Amen!?), the (un)wise men continued through the thick underbrush into an open clearing.

Another check sent Basket to the right, where he swore Oozing was making owl-like noises in attempt to lead him in the correct direction. This left WHO and Amish “Basketless” (can I get an Amen!?), which unfortunately doesn’t always mean smarter (although this is most often the case). Marks were seen on the perimeter of the clearing, which was later identified as a Christmas tree farm. Coincidence? Thou thinks not! Mark after mark continued around the perimeter of the field until they came upon a large “X.” This is when Oozing comes into in the picture with a blow of his whistle. I’d like to state that although the Bible does not number the Magi, traditionally there were always seen to be three, as there were three gifts given to the child. However, the text also states that other gifts were given, making the number of Magi even less definite. Therefore we’ll make Oozing the fourth (un)wise man.

After joining up with WHO and Amish, Oozing proceeded southward through the barren Christmas tree farm towards a main path, where Dry Foot was waiting. It was almost like their joining was due to divine intervention. Or something. It was at this time the (un)wise men noted that Basket was missing. Can I get an Amen!? Unfortunately his horn was heard in the distance and after a few whistles and light flashes he appeared to be coming in the right direction.

The pack (minus Basket) continued lightless up the main path towards, and over, Seven Mile Rd to a path circling Spring Lake Reservoir. Dry Foot had started off on the live hare section of the trail just a bit before, and big arrows had them crossing a small dam (no, not a goddamn) back onto a trail making a counterclockwise circle around the reservoir. Halfway around a BN was spotted. Hallelujah!! Just as the Magi brought baby Jesus gifts of three (gold, frankincense and myrrh), the hare brought the hash gifts of three (beer, hot nuts and jalapeño potato chips). Can I get an Amen!? The path led towards the water and ended up on a nice set of rocks overlooking a set of houses, one of which was attached to a rowdy dock WHO sounded like they’d been drinking all day. The beer check was great – no Bondo, no Fawangi, no Basket, it was like our own heaven on earth. That was until Basket’s light was spotted circling the water and soon enough he, and Seamus, joined us for some song. Song which was sometime repeated back by those on the before mentioned rowdy dock. Can you feel the love (the type of traditional love felt between a man and a woman)?

After the brews were downed we hopped back on trail and continued counterclockwise around the reservoir to Seven Mile Rd. A right had us pointed in the direction of the cars and shortly after the blue neon cross of the Shepherd of the Valley United Methodist Church was spotted. Can I get an Amen!? Once everyone arrived we circled up in Jesus’s backyard with a ton of Dogfish Head brew. The response: complaints on lack of virgin territory, complaints on dry feet, yahoos for no Bondo/Fawangi, boos for no bimbos. Holy crap, did the (un)wise men think they were perfect?!! WHO cares – mathematical total was 0.0. Amazing, incredible, awe-inspiring. Hashit went to Fawangi, who must think he’s better than the rest of us (WHO is not better than the rest of us, by the way) because he won’t show up to a RIH3 hash, but will hare a Newport hash. Pathetic. May the Big JC strike him down with a bolt of lightning.

The five (un)wise men then packed into their cars and (un)wisely went to the Bishop Hill Tavern to what might have been the most expensive on-on-on to date. I blame Oozing and his need to order the last set of pitchers. Food was good, wait staff was easy on the eyes and the beer flowed like wine. And just like the Magi left after seeing baby Jesus, the five un(wise) men left for their own abodes. Can I get an Amen!?

On On

Amish It Head