The “Homo What?” Hash

Run #1080, December 11, 2006

Hare:  Dry Foot Fairy

Location:  Providence, RI

Weather:  50’s, Clear

Present:  Amish It Head, Dr. WHO, Basket Boom Boom, Just Nate (virgin), WIPOS, Bondo Jovi, Eenie Weenie Dick, Justin My Ass, Oozing.

 

The Run:

The English language is pretty weird. Take the word “boob.” In case you’re not familiar, I’ll provide you with two definitions:

boob1
–noun Slang: Sometimes Vulgar.
1. a female breast.

boob2
–noun
1. a stupid person; fool; dunce.
2. British. a blunder; mistake.
–verb (used without object)
3. British. to blunder.

I’m sure that definition #1 was the first thing that popped into your head when thinking back to this run, but WHO woulda guessed that definition #2 would have been just as applicable?! It was Basket’s birthday. And Basket is a boob (But WHO isn’t in the RIH3? Actually, WHO is.). Anyway, this is pretty weird, wild stuff.

I didn’t intend this write up to start with some reflections on the English language, but I couldn’t not think about boob definition #1 and just had to go with it. What I did intend, I think, was to share some history on the progression of man. This is only because I have no clue how old Basket is but assume it’s pretty damn old. Unfortunately, I’m just an engineer and we didn’t get much more than numbers in college. So, I go to my trusty source for all info, the internet (thanks Al Gore!), and did a little learnin’ up. I found the following as a rough order of evolution of man. If you don’t believe in evolution, skip over this section or you’ll be struck down and damned to hell by your God!

          SPECIES

          TIME PERIOD

Ardipithicus ramidus

5 to 4 million years ago

Australopithecus anamensis

4.2 to 3.9 million years ago

Australopithecus afarensis

4 to 2.7 million years ago

Australopithecus africanus

3 to 2 million years ago

Australopithecus robustus

2.2 to 1.6 million years ago

Homo habilis

2.2 to 1.6 million years ago

Homo erectus

2.0 to 0.4 million years ago

Homo sapiens archaic

400 to 200 thousand years ago

Homo sapiens neandertalensis

200 to 30 thousand years ago

Homo sapiens sapiens

200 thousand years ago to present

Reading more on each species I think I have Basket identified based upon features and mannerisms (wankerisms?), here’s a recap of what I decided was the best, the Homo habilis:

Homo habilis was called the handy man because tools (hash horns, shiggy shoes?) were found with his fossil remains. This species existed between 2.4 and 1.5 million years ago. The brain size in earlier fossil specimens was about 500cc but rose to 800cc toward the end of the species life period (I’d say Basket’s is more the former than latter). The species brain shape shows evidence that some speech had developed (note they say some). Habilis was about 5' tall and weighed about 100 pounds. Some scientists believe that habilis is not a separate species and should be carried either as a later Australopithecine or an early Homo erectus (haha, homo erectus). It is possible that early examples are in one species group and later examples in the other.

Eh, sounds good enough for me. So, my guess of “pretty damn old” was right! 2.2 to 1.6 million years old to be exact. This is going on my own personal observations; but I guess we could just ask Bondo since he would have been around during that time as well.

Ok, ok, enough science. I’m sure your brain hurts. This run started from the Providence Stop and Shop. You know, the one near the ghetto and the one that Dryfoot has set trails from before. Seemed pretty uneventful at first. Once everyone had pre-lubed a bit the first mark was determined to be set on West River St heading south. Trail continued on West River St until it veered north on Charles St. No check, just continued marks. For some reason this seemed odd to no one, but about 2.5 miles down the road they’d slap themselves for it.

The turn onto Charles St had the pack run past the Cadillac Lounge, Home Depot and then through the ethnic neighborhoods of North Providence. Actually pretty scenic, and since it wasn’t that cold and there was absolutely zero shiggy the sights could really be taken in. Including arrows. One. Five. Twenty-two. The pack traveled on, with all but Bondo and the hare in sight. This again seemed odd to no one (actually, it seemed pretty damn good).

With no checks, no hills, no shiggy, no Ben and no more Bondo the pace was quick. Virgin Just Nate is an actual runner, and he and Justin My Ass were in the lead. Basket, Amish, WHO , and EWD weren’t far behind and Oozing and WIPOS rounded up the rear. Haha, Oozing rounding up the rear.

Once the pack ended up at Mineral Spring Ave a “CB 69” was seen on the telephone pole. Damn! Not wanting the slower people to miss out on the last few hundred feet of “fun” Amish called on-on. After everyone showed up a unanimous decision was made to go to the closest bar we could find, which happened to be about 0.25 miles down the road. The only problem was, the bar was closed! Another unanimous decision was made, and it was to find the nearest Packy (no, not Oozing) so we could pick up a six pack. About a mile back one showed up and after the birthday boy was nice enough to grab some refreshments an impromptu beer check was held in the parking lot in the rear. It was glorious, but not near as glorious was what to come.

Once the beers were finished the pack hit the road back. Knowing that the beer check HAD to be at the Cadillac Lounge the pace was quick. Remember from above, boobs!? Upon arrival a BC was spotted and somehow all managed to get in without confrontation despite their disheveled looks and foul smell (this was mainly Basket).

The place was nice, I have to give it that much. Of course our eyes didn’t quite veer from the main stage, but is that really a surprise? Dry Foot and Bondo had a table setup, and our arrival caused a fury of excitement in the girls. Ha! Not. What it did do though was bring them over so beers could be served. And singles, five glorious singles provided by the hare for “entertainment.” With the blink of an eye Oozing was up near the stage with Eenie Weenie and Justin making up the rest of the three stoogies. WIPOS managed to arrive, and after removing exactly 17 layers of clothes was also ready to step up to plate. Songs? What songs. Boobs were around! Whoo, boobs! But not only was there visual excitement, but that “nudie bar” smell was hanging heavy, and comments like “he’s all sweaty,” “you’d better take off your glasses or they might get broken,” and “hey you dirty bastard, get your hands out of your pants” rang through the air. I think most will remember the tattoos. I saw a butterfly. I believe Basket saw a delicate flower. It was awful hard to tell if the carpet matched the drapes due to all the hardwood floors. Ahhhh, hardwood floors. Not many will remember the names, but here they are anyway - Cinnamon, Christina, and Rachel. Christina said she’d really like to show up, and like the gullible wanks we are we got all excited and believed it would happen. Really, when was the last time a woman showed up to the RIH3 (Candy Kaner – come back!)?

And just like any average RIH3’er/woman interaction, it seemed like things were over in 30 seconds. I mean 30 minutes, yeah minutes. With the singles gone, the beers dry and the hare dirt poor it was time to head out. Bondo had brought the shaggin’ wagon so all (but WIPOS – silly, silly WIPOS) hopped in and enjoyed Bondo brew on the way back. Well, pretty much all but Bondo but what can you expect being the temporary DD? WIPOS was wrapping up his last strides as the group pulled into the lot and the circle was held right there at Stop and Shop. Comments included “this run caused a tingly feeling where my bathing suit covers,” “run of the year,” “smell my sweatshirt, it smells like stripper – really!” Some more beers were downed, the virgin was questioned and it ends up that yep, this was just about run of the year. +69^69! Hashit went to Bondo because of his inability to prevent his urine from entering the same place as the other RIH3’ers shoes.

A trip to the newly rennovated East Avenue café had the group surrounded by football watchers. Beers were consumed, wings bummed off of neighbors for sampling, just a weee bit of food throwing (and subsequent disciplining by the wait staff) and Oozing hassling the poor 95.5 WBRU kids was the normal going-ons. Congrats Basket, one more year above ground you crazy Homo habilis!

 

On On

Amish It Head