The “Let’s Dissect a Bad Doctor’s Broken Promises” Hash

Run #1095, March 26, 2007

Hare:  Dr. WHO

Location:  Virgin territory in Swampsea

Weather:  Rainy, cold, chance of Thunder Storms

Present:  Basket, Oozing, Async, Shameless the GM.

The Run:

“Another contender for Hash of the Year” WHO said that.

He also said, “Dr WHO, your hare has yet again found new and exciting terrain for a hash…. come and enjoy fine weather, prolonged daylight, and revel in the finest virgin hash the RIH3 has enjoyed since Dr WHO’s last fine virgin hash…..there will be well-marked trail…..there will be just the right amount of shiggy…..there will be scenic vistas…..there will be intellectually stimulating checks, back-checks, and loops….. there will be visitors…..there will be virgins…..there will be fine beer in hermetically sealed juice jars…..and savory snacks….perpetuate the legend”

WHO had to say that, because nobody else would have. It’s Newton’s Law of ‘Every action has an equal but opposite reaction.” That is, if the Hare boasts how great the run will be, the lower your expectations, or more simply stated, “The Bondo Effect”.

Despite the best weather we’ve had for a Hash all spring, the pack was surprisingly small. Not one virgin or coworker showed. Bondo was fortunate enough to be on the left coast visiting family, and Double Flush said she had to work late but that she’d love to join us later (yea sure) ; at least she gave an excuse. But where were Eenie Weenie, Justin Myass and Amish? This was WIPOS territory, and he didn’t show, neither did Hoovah after promising she would.

The Hare begged friends and coworkers alike but it seemed his unctuous groveling had fallen on deaf ears. Think they all know something we don’t? Actually he had previously promised friends and coworkers would join us before and none have yet. Are you thinking, as I am, that he doesn’t have any friends but us, and now we need to question that too.

Oozing and Basket, with expectations quickly giving way to reality, gave the late cumers an extra 5 minutes before taking off on trail. The Hare dressed in his finest WIPOS like raingear, seemed disappointed at first, but quickly pulled himself together and pointed out the first mark on a tree across a field behind the Brown Elementary School.

Basket led out crossing the playground, then negotiated a small woodland and swampy stream to a second field, where WHO said additional marks may be found heading north then easterly through a grave yard, and then crossing Gardner’s Neck Road to a small pond.

The marks were few and far between, as the recent (still falling hard) rain had washed out most of the flour. The remaining marks were slowly heading downstream along with the prospects of “the finest virgin hash the RIH3 has enjoyed since Dr WHO’s “…bullshit. To our good (?) fortune, our dedicated Hare kept pointing out the disappearing marks to us so we could continue on trail. As we continued, he topped off the marks with fresh Pillsbury’s best, still holding out hope for any late cumers.

Trail led over a small dam that had a significant amount of water flowing over it. The ice has long since gone, but slimy goo remained. It was this treacherous undertaking that the Hare thought it would be good fun to send the pack (both of us) across, despite warnings of flash floods in the area. WHO stood at waters edge and placed an arrow pointing over the dam.

Basket was leading, and was just about 20 feet into the flowing river, when, as luck would have it, his feet slipped out from under him. Falling, he caught himself from sliding headfirst down a 15 foot fall, in what would have been a drastic event with far-reaching consequences that surely would have made the 11 o’clock news. Basket’s right hand suffered a severe injury, however he persisted on trail, none-the-less. What a Trooper!

WHO laughed heinously?

Oozing was lagging far behind, with complaints of a sore thumb, bad knee ligament and maybe a hemorrhoid issue or two. Basket, having more concern for Oozing then his own wellbeing, kept his pace slow enough so Oozing could hear him calling, “On On” through the torrential rains.

WHO didn’t care.

The trail continued around the pond in a counter clockwise fashion until a trail head was found off to the right. This led to a meandering trail through thick forests, across raging streams, and around many boulders and rock outcroppings, and as there were few marks, only being near the Hare guaranteed knowing where you were. A recently placed true trail mark that led into a swamp almost caught Basket on a falsie, but Oozing had already found the false trail mark on the other side, and despite Oozing encouraging Basket to continue on, he declined and continued on until he caught up with WHO.

When help is given so easily, don’t trust a hasher.

The hare had said before the start that he may have to change the location of the Beer Stop if we encountered the forecasted thunderstorms, so at every height of land, Basket climbed, along with his trusty Shameless friend, looking for the elusive “B”.

Eventually Oozing caught up with the Hare, while Basket was high above the pack on a precipitous perilous peak. Searching the indiscernible trail below, WHO eventually showed Oozing a good direction to travel towards the actual Beer Stop. This left Basket alone to hobble down the slick rock face with his throbbing little digit.

The Beer Stop was found at the next high rock, just as the rain started to subside. Many new songs were sung, as we enjoyed IPA and Porter in those hermetically sealed juice jugs. Then the savory snack of sunflower seeds was wolfishly devoured along with copious amount of beer. We continued calling OnOn for the lost visitors and virgins; WHO knew where they were?

Eventually we decided to catch them at the start, and made our way back to our cars. We again came to the pond, where WHO waited for Basket to start across the dam, possibly wanting to view another calamity in the making. WHO then turned left, and joining Oozing, took the bridge. At the cars we found Async waiting for our return. He had found WHO’S freshly re-marked trail offering him a trail he could follow out to the swamp, however the intentional false ‘true trail’ mark laid by the Bad Doctor cut short his progress.

At the circle, the Hare received his DD, Oozing for Hashit and Async for Backslider. Discussions abound about the poor marks, unnecessary and inaccurate boasting and broken promises. Flushy was called, but having already donned her jammies, she declined but promised to show us a new bar next time we’re near. Beer done, we made our way to a nearby motel for sandwiches and beer at a local lounge lizard habitat.

Moral of this story is remember the Bondo Effect,’ If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”

On On

Basket Boom Boom