The Choose Your Own Adventure Hash

Run #1196, March 2, 2009

Hare:  Basket Boom Boom

Location:  Effin's Last Resort, Smithfield, RI

Weather:  Low 20’s, Snowy.

Present:   Amish It Head, Wee Balls, Fuwangi Boner, Flobanger.

 
The Run:
After a wild and crazy weekend up in Rumney, NH for the ski hash, WHO wouldn’t expect a large crowd on Monday to share stories and recap all the good times?  Well, probably not WHO as he was still nursing a hangover from the previous Saturday night, or at least attempting to re-hydrate after 6.9 hrs in the sauna.  But alas, there was no large crowd.  There were no bimbos.  There was 10 good inches of snow.  And there was one Effin’s bartendress with a cute little butt.   

• If you decide to continue with the hash, go to “On the Trail 1.”
• If you decide to go back to Effin’s to stare at the bartendress with the cute little butt, go to “The On On On.”

“On the Trail 1”

So there we were, Fuwangi, Wee Balls, Flobanger and Amish – thinking “what a glorious day for a hash.”  Just hours earlier New England got slammed with a somewhat surprise snow storm (snow, in New England, in March – are you serious!?) which would provide at least one redeeming quality to the night’s run.  The hare and Fuwangi strapped on………………their skis………….the rest went nekkid-footed.  As the snow fell the hare marked on-out northeast into the woods, like usual.  A little bushwhacking and snow camo’d water crossing had the pack finally hit true trail heading northwest.  Surprisingly, those on skis did not outrun (or outski) the others, although multiple wipe-outs by Fuwangi did add some entertainment value. 

• If you decide to continue on trail, go to “On the Trail 2.”
• If you decide to laugh and dwell on Fuwangi’s numerous downhill face plants, go to “Laughing at the Jackass.”

“On the Trail 2”

The pack continued northwest with a few checks here and there, with a mix of trail and woods our path towards the beer.  Fortunately Basket’s flour marks were still present on the trees despite being set the day before.  Unfortunately the snow that came down that day didn’t cause enough confusion to break the pack up and get some lost.  Flobanger was FRB for a good period of time, until we all came to a path blazed by some crazy 4-wheeler owner.  Those in shoes rejoiced at the thought of breaking free from the fresh powder and running in tire paths, then got pissed as they realized the width of the tires would only help out those with feet the size of a 4 year old (which is different than the mind of a 4 year old, which those on trail could just barely pass for).  Eventually the pack ended up at the base of a large field where four marks were seen on a padded football push-cart, which the hare noted would be close to the beer check, which the pack had no clue about because they didn’t listen to the hare give his chalk-talk.   

• If you decide to gamble and drink Basket’s IPA, go to “The Beer Check.”
• If you’ve already sampled some of Basket’s IPA and know it’s best to just turn around and go home, go to “On the Trail 3.”

“The Beer Check”

After making our way up the long and hard hill (unlike anything else on trail that night with the cold, cold weather) the beer was finally found.  Discussions were short.  Singing never happened.  The sounds of sledding college girls filled the night air.  Without Bondo there was no Wild West Show, for which we were all grateful.  With just us few wanks there was actually more than enough beer, again, for which we were all grateful.  Once we’d had enough and the air finally started cooling us down the hare offered us options for going back to the cars: the quick way, the exact same way we came, in the back seat of a squad car.  Wanting to get back quickly, and still thinking about that one Effin’s bartendress with a cute little butt we chose the quick way. 

• If you decide to take the quick way back, go to “On the Trail 3.”
• If you were there and knew nothing exciting happened and want a laugh instead, go to “Laughing at the Jackass.”

“On the Trail 3”

So, there were almost no marks on the way back.  Or, if you were WIPOS (and WHO would want to be WIPOS!??!!) there were no “mahks.”  We went back down the hill, which was a helluva lot easier than going up, and south back into the woods.  The route back mainly consisted of bushwhacking, but the few sections of trail we did hit had nice rolling hills.  This allowed for quick progress back to the car, or in the case of Fuwangi, numerous opportunities to face plant in the snow.  We all laughed.  Paralleling Rt 5 we all thought we’d reached Effin’s with each parking lot with lights.  And each time we’d realize we were wrong, which thinking back shouldn’t have been much of a surprise due to the fact that put together we have the intelligence of a typical lab rat.  Finally we got back and being the nice guy he is (or, what most of us would refer to as “being the bitch”) Wee Balls grabbed the circle beer from Basket’s car.  Awwww. 

• If you decide to rate the run, go to “The Circle.”
• If you decide to get warm and stare at the bartendress with the cute little butt, go to “The On On On.”

“Laughing at the Jackass”

As the small pack prepped in the Effin’s parking lot some looked over to see Fuwangi, decked out like an Olympic skier with his fancy, tight, aerodynamic, shirt and wrap-around safety glasses (what, were we at the shooting range??)  He looked serious.  Seriously silly.  But, we all gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured he’d drink all the beer by the time we got to the beer check due to his lightning-fast pace.  Boy were we wrong, and boy were we happy about it!  Not once, not twice, but more than twice (I can’t remember how many times) he went down.  And went down hard.  Porn star hard.  Thanks big guy! 

• If you really liked this part of the write up and want to read it again, go back to “Laughing at the Jackass.”
• If you are done reading it for the 10^th time and want to find out how we rated the run, go to “The Circle.”
• If you don’t care about either of those and want to stare at the bartendress with the cute little butt, go to “The On On On.”

“The Circle”

Ok, there were some good things about this has.  No Bondo.  No Ben.  Lots of beer.  Lots of snow.  No Bondo.  But there were also no bimbos, and it was cold.  Major shrinkage cold.  After we’d all aired our grievances and Flobanger and Wee Balls wrapped up Feats of Strength the numbers couldn’t lie – Negative .69.  Yep, overrated, but what are ya gonna do?  Hashit went to Wee Balls for hoping Basket would go down, unlike Fuwangi , WHO actually did go down. 

• If you have made it this far without already reading “The On On On” to know about the bartendress with the cute little butt, go to “You’re a Homo.”
• If you’ve already read “The On On On” and know about the bartendress with the cute little butt, go to “Download some Internet Porn, Take Care of Business and Go to Bed.”

“The On On On”

What are 5 guys, fresh off the trail, looking for something to eat hungry for?  The bartendress with the cute little butt, of course.  It was nice, well-proportioned to her body and something you could really grab a hold of and take a bite out of.  “It’s choice,” as Ferris Bueller would say.  And what’s good with that?  Effin’s wonderful fries and burgers.  As we sat there acting and talking stupidly the beer flowed like wine, and the burgers tasted like steak.  It was glorious.  Or maybe it was skewed due to the sights.  Unfortunately Effin’s had removed their dart boards and replaced them with a 60in flat-screen, with all of Fuwangi’s coordination from early showing off I bet those two maroons throwing darts would have been entertaining to say the least.  So, we sat and talked and drank and oogled, forgetting all about the hash only hours prior thinking of how scary it’ll be next week seeing everyone’s face on trail for at least the first few minutes until sunset…….

On On

Amish It Head