WHO’s Birthday Is it? Hash
Run #1495, Nov 24, 2014
Hares: Dr. WHO
Location: Kickemuit Middle School, Warren, RI
Weather: 50s and windy after lots of rain during the day
Present: Donkey Punch, Rusty, Bondo, Klingon, Basket, Dog Meat, Pubic Housing, Glutenless Maximus, Crotch Tiger, Amish Ithead, Crabby, AssQuack, Oozing, Just PJ, Fuwangii, Just Pat (the Butler Hit It), Just Tom, WIPOS
Two / Tree Timers: Just Lauren
Visitor: Just Victor, Just Chelsea, Amazon.cum
Virgin: Just William
Hashit: Amish

I’m going to start this off by calling bullshit on the hashit. Me? Why? It was first Basket (makes perfect sense), after that was Oozing (he’s number 2! he’s number 2!) and then all of a sudden Donkey called my name out from left field. In the stupid words of Bondo – fuck you, you fucking fuck! I’m taking vacation this week and could be looking at all of the internet porn but instead I’m here typing this write-up. Fuck!

WHO claimed to have found virgin territory in RI. Just like most things associated with the RIH3 claiming to be “virgin” I was skeptical but showed up to a location I’d never been before and was pretty psyched to see only a small pack of jackasses near the middle school’s track fence. All seemed good. And then it happened – AQ and Crabby showed up, with long time backslider Fuwangii – fuck! And Butler came down from Boston. A whole bunch of other jackasses showed up too significantly increasing the size of the pack but with it came Crotch Tiger (way early and not lost – clearly not a good sign), Dog Meat (unfortunately, that means Basket was also present), Pubic (with Donkey, who hadn’t yet started to complain) and a few other bimbos. I wasn’t sure if I should be excited or sad for all of the few timers WHO had not yet experienced a WHO hash along the waterfront.

Finally 6:30 rolled around and the pack started out southwest along the school’s track and down towards the water. Seeing 20+ hashers prove their athletic prowess on the track was pathetic. What was also pathetic is that WHO didn’t think to use this as an excuse to set up a beer mile. Track + hash + cover of darkness = perfect beer mile. I imagine this would have resulted in higher scores as well, but I digress.

The pack eventually made it into the woods, down a slippery slope and past some thorns before finding the first check at a little lagoon. I don’t know which jackasses went left but I was with the pack of jackasses that went right (including Donkey, WHO still hadn’t started complaining) and continued around the lagoon eventually requiring a shallow water crossing to end back up on the bike path. We continued west to the ruins of a bridge thinking the tide may have allowed a crossing, seeing no marks (or “mahks” as WIPOS would call them) the pack turned back and eventually found trail southward through some shaggy.

Into a field the pack found a second check, true trail was later found to continue along the water and down into the marsh with tall grasses. That reminds me of a fuckin’ pack of natives called the fuckin’ Fuwangii. The fuckin’ Fuwangii are 4ft fuckin’ tall and they live in the fuckin’ marshland with grasses 6ft fuckin’ tall . Every time they need to fuckin’ get around they jump up and fuckin’ down saying “Where the Fuwangii? Where the Fuwangii?”

After dicking around in the marshes for what seemed like 6.9 minutes the pack made a ball-deep water crossing over to Sunset Ct road (and a very confused resident looking out his back window to a bunch of jackasses with headlamps coming out the marsh), a right on Asylum Rd (if WHO was smart he would have had the entire pack committed right then and there) and a left following wonderful blue chalk on telephone poles and other objects roughly the same shade of blue. A left around another school which I thought was the first school which would have been kick-ass, and then a stupid amount of unnecessary bushwhacking north towards the bike path (I don’t know what I meant by that sentence as it had terrible grammar, but I’m not going back to change anything - deal with it jackasses).

This was an interesting time - there was water and thorns. There were thousands of motttthhhhhsss. Crabby went on some weird tirade about her “On Ons” not being manly enough, or something like that. I’m not sure why a woman would want to have manly On Ons but it sounded like that’s what she wanted and what Crabby wants is what Crabby gets (right Assqauck? Happy wife, happy life). But then she threw in the fact that she was still 5yrs pregnant (very womanly) and after crossing the bike path and finding the beer check made a comment about getting beer to the ladies first. WHICH ONE IS IT? MANLY – WOMANLY? I’M SO CONFUSED, WOMEN ARE SO CONFUSING. WHY AM I TYPING IN ALL CAPITALS?

We sang songs, we drank beers, there was lots of orange food, yadda yadda yadda we circled up under the pavilion across from the school. With 235 people on trail someone made a wise rule of using only 10 words to rate the run. I don’t think we followed that strictly but all-in-all things were quick. Crotchy questioned some people. Just PJ questioned some people. Someone else questioned some people. Everyone repeated the first set of questions Crotchy asked because no one understands Cambodian. And then Donkey did that stupid thing and gave me hashit. Fuck! Rating was what, -69? Overrated!