When: January 21st, 2019 Robby Burns Hash
Hare: Ass Quack & Crabby
Location: Portsmouth, by the docks
Weather: Wind 50 MPH, -15
Idiots who attended: Crotch Tigger, Oozing, Amish, Shemaleman, Dr. Who, Whipos, Basket Boom Boom, Just the Tip, Fecal, Robby Burns, the Buttler, and (Bondo (“in spirit” not in the flesh, just need to make that clear)
The Horribly Haggis
Crabby was a wee lassie that lived in the Highlands of Portsmouth. She lived with her wee Lil Quack and hubby Ass Quack in a cottage near the edge of the woods. The on after this frigid night was at the other side of the woods. If Crabby wanted to visit the on after, she had to go through the woods. Either the Hash or her hubby never allowed her to go by herself through the woods. There were creatures in the woods, Shemale’s, Oozing’s, Amish, Just the Tip’s, Buttler’s, Fecal’s, and the most dangerous of all, the Haggis. Though Crabby and the Hash and her hubby had never seen a Haggis, they’d heard stories, and at night, as they lay safe in their beds, they heard it’s frightening moans.
Crabby’s hubby had to go to the pub. "I’ll be gone all night," he told them and then left.
Crabby was busy in the kitchen, baking rhubarb pies and making some treacle toffee. On the counter was a huge salmon that Ass Quack had caught early that morning before she’d even got out of bed. She wondered "Can I go and see the Hash tonight?" she asked Lil Wee Quack.
"You can’t, Mom. You’ve got to finish these pies and toffee and then fix the salmon, and make me a hot bottle for supper tonight. We can go tomorrow," Lil Quack said.
"But Lil Quack, The Hash is turning heterosexual and I’m worried about Them. Can I please take Basket Boom Boom to Them? I will fill his Boom Boom with Utz Old Bay chips, crab cakes, sausage links, a few bannocks, and the leftover grouse from last night," Crabby pleased.
"Oh no, Mom, you can’t go alone. I’ll not let you walk through the woods alone with Basket Boom Boom. It’s not safe. I heard the Haggis last night. Its moans were low and very scary, Mom."
"Lil Quack, I’m a brave Hasher now, I’ll leave Dr. Who to watch over you. I’ll run as fast as I can. Please let me go and see The Hash," she whined.
Lil Quack thought about it for a while and said, "Ouch, all right, Mom, but you run as fast as you can and don’t stop until you’re at the On After. Don’t forget to Fill Baskets Boom Boom hole and be off with you then."
Crabby was wet. This was her first trail by herself. She wasn’t afraid of the Haggis. She put four Bags of Utz old bay chips into the Basket Boom Boom and then added six sausage links, a dozen crab cakes, three bannocks, and the grouse. She put a butt plug in Boom Boom and shoved the Basket out the door. "I’m ready, Lil Quack."
Lil Quack was a bit hesitant to let her go, but decided that she was Brave enough to do it. "Hurry, Crabby. No stopping to pet Crotch Tigger’s or play with the Boom Boom! Gi’ us a hug then, mom."
Crabby wrapped her arms around Lil Quack. "I’ll be careful," she assured Lil Quack. She put on her wooly tartan cape, pulling the hood up over her dark brown hair. "Cheerio, Lil Quack," she said and hurried into the woods. She hadn’t gone far when she heard a Oozing farting. She looked around for it and saw it high up on a branch of a birch tree. She stopped and listened to it for a few minutes, trying to imitate its warbles. Remembering her Wee Lil Quack instructions to not stop, she hurried on. After a few minutes, a large pale brown Crotch Tigger hopped across her path. her ears were pointed straight up, her tail long and girthy, and her whiskers wiggled back and forth as it leapt behind a currant bush. Crabby was going to chase her, but then remembered what her Lil Quack had said. She hurried on her way. She wasn’t too far from the end of the woods when she heard a loud moaning sound. She stopped and listened. "What’s that noise?" she whispered. She heard it again. "It must be the Haggis," she said, frightened. She held tightly onto the basket and ran as fast as she could to the On After, not even turning to look back now and then.
She ran up to the pub of the On After front door and knocked. "Let me in, On On," she cried. "The Haggis is chasing me. It’s going to eat me. Are You!"
The Hash was sitting drinking whisky in front of the fire. "Goodness me, lassie, hold on. Let me put pants on," Whipos said as he walked slowly to the door. He pulled it open and saw Crabby, standing in her tartan cape and carrying basket Boom Boom. "Come in, lass."
Crabby went inside and put Basket down on the kitchen table. She started taking things out of Baskets Boom Boom so the Hash could see. "Here are some goodies for you." She stopped talking and went to look out the window.
"What are you looking at?" Whipos asked.
"The Haggis. It was in the woods," she replied.
Whipos walked over and stood next to Crabby, gazing out the window. "In all my years I’ve never seen the haggis. Not once. I hear its moans, but never seen it. I wonder if there is such a thing."
Crabby looked at him. "If it’s not a haggis, what is moaning?"
"I don’t know, but you’d think someone would have seen it by now. All I’ve ever seen is a wolf, a few foxes, hedgehogs, and hares. Never seen a haggis. In fact, I don’t even know what a haggis looks like."
"Ass Quack told me once that it was fat and round, with a snout like a pig, and it has sharp teeth, and long claws on his feet," Crabby said, walking over to the couch and sitting down.
Whipos took a sip of whisky. "Oh Crabby, there’s no such thing as that. It’s all nonsense. Tell me, would you like to spend the night here with the Hash? I’ll call Dr. Who and ask him if it’s all right?
"Oh yes, Whipos. I’d love to stay here."
Whipos called and asked Dr. Who and he said it was fine, he was already in the bag so no need to rush back. The Hash and Crabby spent the night sipping whisky and exchanging gas together, having fun. That night Crabby passed out at the bar with the whole Hash. As they lay there, they heard a noise outside. It sounded like someone getting into the trash. "What’s that noise, Whipos?" Crabby asked, smacking him in the head to wake him.
Whipos got up and looked out the window. He could see the moon glowing and the stars shining. He saw a shadow. Something was moving in back of the Pub. Crabby peeked through the curtains. "It’s the haggis, Whipos. I’m scared," she cried out, running into the bathroom, jumping into one of the stalls, closing the door firmly.
Whipos looked again. There was a shadow. Maybe it was just a Shemale, or perhaps a Fecal. It looked too big for either of those though. After a while he didn’t see the shadow any longer so he went back to the bar and poured another whisky. Crabby came out other the bathroom. "Whatever it was, it gone now," he said, hugging Crabby tightly.
When the sun rose behind the hills and the mist disappeared, Whipos, the Hash and Crabby got up. Whipos stoked the fire with chunks of peat and cooked a big pot of porridge. While Crabby ate, Whipos had an idea. She was going to find out once and for all if there was a Haggis hiding in the woods and if it was mean and dangerous. He left Craby at the bar, "I’ll be back in a little while, Crabby. Stay here and eat, then read a book by the fire."
Off he went into the woods. he saw a few ravens and owls, high in the trees. Occasionally a Tip would trot by in the distance. He had just passed a rowan tree covered with white flower when he heard a moaning sound. He stopped. "There it is," he whispered, listening carefully. Again, the moans came, moving through the forest in loud echoing noises. He went in the direction of the moan. Slowly he crept. Just then something bumped into the back of him. He screamed, thinking it was the haggis about to eat him. He turned around and it was Crabby. "Crabby, what are you doing here? I told you to stay in the cottage."
"I was scared, Whipos. I wanted to be with you," Crabby explained.
"All right, lass. But be quiet. I think it’s up ahead."
They stepped over fallen branches, around large green ferns and oak tree trunks. Another moan was heard, sending chills up Whipos’s red cock. "Sit right here, Crabby," she ordered. Whipos parted a bush of gorse. There, sitting at a fire was an old man. He was dressed in tattered clothes and had no shoes on. He wore a cap, like an elf would wear, and had a long beard, gray and dirty. Suddenly he turned around and looked right at Whipos. He gasped.
"Come out," he muttered. Whipos took Crabby by the hand and the two of them headed towards the fire. "Well, what have we here? A wee lass and a strange over dressed man? What are you doing in my woods?"
"My name’s Crabby and this is Whipos. Are you a Haggis?" she asked.
The man started laughing. "A Haggis? Why on earth are you asking that lass?"
"My Hubby and the Hash, and all the other folks in Portsmouth, say there’s a Haggis that lives in the forest and it eats people. We can hear it groaning all the time," she answered.
The old man laughed and laughed. "That’s not a Haggis, lass. That’s me. My name’s Bondo by the way. And you are?" he asked.
"I’m Crabby, and this is Whipos," she answered, reaching her hand to shake his.
"Well, Crabby, you’re a bonnie wee lass. Never mind all this talk of monsters and moans. You see, I suffer from some rheumatism and I moan a lot. I’ve got a rather loud voice. Besides that, a Haggis isn’t a monster, it’s something you eat."
Whipos, feeling foolish, started laughing along with him. Crabby joined in. They spent the day with Bondo. Before they left, Crabby asked, "Bondo, why do you live out here all by yourself? Wouldn’t you rather live in town with the rest of us?"
"No, lass, I like it out here. At night I see the stars, and it’s so quiet I can hear them whispering to each other. Me and the animals, well, we get along just fine. Don’t worry about me, lass."
Crabby had a thought. "Bondo, can Whipos, the Hash and I come and visit you every Monday?" She smiled at him.
Bond replied, "Why sure, lass. You and the Hash are welcome here anytime, but don’t bring too many people with you. I like my quiet."
"Oh, all right. The Hash, whipos and I will keep it a secret, won’t we Whipos?" He nodded.
Every Monday The Hash and Craby went to visit Bondo in the woods. Sometimes they took Baskets Boom Boom, sometimes they took him red cocks, and sometimes he cooked haggis, or mince and tatties for them.
From then on whenever Crabby hubby and Lil Quack, or any of the villagers, heard the groans and warned her of the Haggis, she laughed, but she never told anyone. Bondo was the Hash’s secret.