HashTrash for July 8th, 2024.<br/>

The Hares: Just the Tip for the shit parts, Snow Burp for the rest of it (that river situation was pretty bloody brilliant).<br/>

The Pack: Dr. W.H.O., Basket, W.I.P.O.S., Oozing, Just Willie, Rusty, P. G., maybe Just Pat? It’s been a minute and I am still recovering from surgery, so this is the best I have.<br/><br/>

The Trail: Began at the dead end of a small road in the back of beyond in the far southwestern corner of RI.<br/><br/>
Promptly at 6:30 the pack headed out into the sweltering, mosquito-filled woods. I was soon being chased by at least 6900 deer flies as I attempted to keep breathing in the 96% humidity. The marks were slightly confusing, but I did my best not to get lost. Crossed several bridges, including one metal one, got bitten by approximately 69 insects, and eventually caught up with Dr W.H.O. and Just Willie. At this point, no matter how much I really was hoping to get to the river before I expired from heat exhaustion, I resigned myself to the fact that we were probably still 6.9 miles away from wherever the beer was and fell into step with them as we struggled up a yet another rocky stretch of trail. Luckily, Dr. W.H.O., always the consummate Gentleman Hasher, regaled Willie and I with tree facts as we trudged along making the trail resemble more of a Scouting Outing than the Bataan Death March.<br/><br/>

At last we reached the river, where the Hare was lounging in an inner tube and W.I.P.O.S., Basket and Rusty had already started floating down the river. I dug around in the cooler for the wimpiest beer I could find before realizing that the access point for the river was a sharp drop into the water surrounded by thorns and questionable tree roots. Despite my deep misgivings into the trail marking now that water was involved, I flung myself into the dark water in a desperate bid to escape the veritable army of deer flies that were now following my every move.<br/>
The water was cool. There were creepy roots at the bottom of the river, and then there was nothing. Luckily I had two pool noodles and was able to paddle single-handedly with my left while clutching my beer in my right to keep it above water,  into the middle where the current was stronger and I was less likely to touch any more creepy muck on the bottom.<br/><br/>

Basket and Rusty were already floating down ahead of me, which meant if there were any rocks or submerged trees, they would get stuck on them first. Oozing tried the water and almost immediately hauled himself back out and chose to walk back on the right bank. W.I.P.O.S. also hauled himself out on the left bank, similarly offended by the river experience. Both of them set off into the trees while the rest of us floated down the river.<br/><br/>

Basket had fashioned himself a leaf crown to better avoid the flies and the river monsters. Rusty had copied him, but Basket’s headgear incorporated more ferns and leaves, and was therefore more authentic for the setting. Dr. W.H.O. had his own branch headgear as well. On a rating scale of how well the headgear complimented the entire look of each Hasher; Rusty earned a 6.9 for his innovation, but lack of cohesion in the overall look,  Dr. W.H.O. earned a 7.2 for creativity and continuity of style with the addition of his vintage life jacket, finally Basket earned a 9.6 for his full commitment to Jungle Raider Chic by eschewing the use of a visible floaty and instead drifting down the river like some sort of lost fishing bobber, his beer can aloft.<br/><br/>

We kept a look out for the “4 marks on a tree” as we attempted to avoid the crocodiles. Rusty almost got taken by the river monsters when looking for more beer, but managed to survive. Basket got caught in a couple trees, but managed to extricate himself unscathed. We finally spotted the 4 marks on a tree before a slight bend in the river and I made my way to the bank against a surprisingly strong current and crawled through some mud to climb out onto the left bank.<br/><br/>

It was a short buggy walk back to the cars, where I made swift use of the outhouse to get into some dry clothes, and recoated my skin with the strongest DEET available outside of the black market. And then we waited. And waited. No Basket, no Just Willie, and no Oozing.<br/><br/> 

After some time, the Hare began to become concerned and headed back out on trail. I used modern technology to locate Basket with a short phone call, determined he was headed in the opposite direction of the cars, and got him to turn around. Then we attempted to reach Oozing, but his phone was in his car, so that wasn’t going to work. Eventually everyone straggled back to the start around dusk, with Oozing making his grand entrance via car driven by a Helpful Farmer who had chosen to save him from the woods and the dogs. We can only guess as to what Oozing bribed him with. By this point, the mosquitos were ravenous and no DEET could waylay them from their blood quest.<br/><br/>

Not wishing to be the next case of EEE in RI, I went to my car and pulled out some castoff trousers from the last show I designed and the graduation regalia, complete with Master’s hood, from my last work event. A wise choice as the fabric from which the robe is made is of the purest plastic, and therefore impervious to the mosquitos. Everyone else was so jealous of my amazing Futuristic Medievalist look that they gave me Hashit. Whatever. I don’t have EEE and that’s a win.<br/><br/> 

ON ON - your humble scribe,<br/>
P.G.