Run # 777 April 2, 2001

Hare:   Oozing

Scribe:  Dr Who Slasher

The Start:   Lincoln Woods / The Lodge

The Weather: 38 degrees F, partly cloudy

Present:    Basket Boom-boom, Bondo Jovi, WIPOS, P.W., The Slasher Dr. W.H.O., Shine On, Just John.  Virgins: Just Brian (2), Just Maggie.  Visitors: Eats Tail Sucks Head (Houston H3)  Masters: Ben, Jake, Baxter, Zoe..

The pack gathered at the back of the parking lot at "The Lodge" in Lincoln, in a timely and orderly fashion, thanks to the central location of the trail, and the simple directions to the start. There was no bowling alley seen for miles. Although somewhat disappointed by the all-too-clement weather, it was realized with a wild surmise, that Shine On was not present, and the hash was to start in one minute. With screeching tires and 30 seconds to spare, Shine On arrived, offering up a sacrificial visitor to appease the crowd. This was Eats Tail Sucks Head (ETSH) from Houston, an experienced hasher whose unusually tasteful name accurately reflects the elegant insouciance found universally in the Lone Star State. Two virgins from the Navy also were welcomed: the follicularly challenged Just Brian 2 ("2", to distinguish him from his Navy predecessor), and the pert and spunky minx, Just Maggie.

The hash began. Crossing the street to enter the woods in a southwesterly direction, the group was impressed to see that the hare had arranged a police escort for the 20 yard trip into the woods. Leaving this behind, the trail began most promisingly, with thorns, and steep paths around and over Quinsnicket Hill. A skunk was sighted, but unfortunately, did not grace the dogs or the hounds with his fragrance. At one point, the short-sighted ETSH thought he saw deer. "You've got big deer up here," he observed, not realizing he had interrupted a group of large naked individuals of confused sexuality who had been lying in wait for Bondo Jovi.

Up and down the trail led, with and unfortunate preponderance for cleared trail and asphalt. There were a few areas of unavoidable water, and some beautifully camouflaged mud in some of the low lying areas. However, the trail's challenges can best be summarized by noting that for much of the run, Shine On was an FRB. Most of the false trails supplied the best shiggy, and this, given Shine On's general squeamishness, had the unfortunate effect of keeping her on true trail while ETSH, Dr. W.H.O., and P.W. mucked happily around in the bushes.

The trail led to Twin Rivers road, and thence to the main entrance to the woods, where the trail led East into the camping areas and Tablerock Hill. The hare coyly floured a few check marks after half the pack had passed, thinking that no one would notice his retroactive trail marking habits. Bondo took a leisurely stroll on trail, and avoided the falsies which universally led up hill. This confused Jake enough that he pursued an elderly couple of walkers from Parsippany, NJ all the way around Olney Pond, thinking that at least they were moving quickly. WIPOS mostly admired his new walking stick, but kept up a sage commentary at the checks, as he waited with Just Brian and Just Maggie for Dr. W.H.O., and ETSH to return from the false trails. Just Maggie commented upon the quality of the briars. Just John showed his vigor and youth by running back and forth along the trail, shouting "On-on" at every clump of used toilet paper in the bushes. Basket got lost temporarily, but ultimately allowed his instincts for alcohol consumption to guide himself and P.W. to the group at the Beer Check.

The beer check was found after negotiating an unusual check with three false marks on three trails, with a fourth side branch of the middle trail being true. A "BN" mark was encountered, signifying, as it turned out that the pack was NOWHERE near the beer. It was found and retrieved by ETSH, under a picnic table at the base of a cliff overlooking a pond some miles away. Beer and pretzels were had atop the cliff. The only thing missing was canine companionship, and Baxter, after having a swim in the pond, came up to the cliff to shake water off his ample coat onto the virgins and Shine On. Basket, P.W., Ben,and Zoe arrived, and all were present save Jake, who was looking for beer in other venues. After a few brief songs, the pack was off.

The short westward stroll back to the road and the lodge was uneventful. Twilight had settled in, but flashlights were never really necessary. Basket decided to go back to see if he could find the missing dog. Bondo planned to drive in, but as the group came back to The Lodge, the smirking dog was encountered at the door to the restaurant, with beer and aged prime rib on his breath. Two women, mother and daughter were with him (doing what I can only imagine). The mother, aged seventy, came over to the bedraggled hashers, to find out what they were up to. Explanations from Shine On and WIPOS got her so excited that she regaled them with tales of her speed-walking exploits in Lincoln Woods. While the RIH3 recruiting team worked its magic, the rest prepared for the circle, held in the wood behind the restaurant.

The hare received exceptional marks, from a 13F from Bondo, to an "excellent run" from Just Brian. The virgins were queried, and refused to show their rings. Just Maggie told the touching tale of a birdie with a yellow bill. Finally, effort to name Just John were made in an exceptionally confused and disorderly manner, which could not be accounted for by the beer, which was limited in quantity and intensity. "All-Turd Boy", "Erectile Dysfunction", and "Asshole" were suggested, and the preliminary hybrid "All-Turd (or Altered?) E.D." selected until the bewildered pack could come up with something better at a later circle.    A moment of religion later, and all were inside The Lodge.

The Lodge had no out of uniform policemen this time, so the pack was fairly well-behaved.   Just Maggie found a tick on her person. Unaccountably, she refused detailed physical examination of all hair bearing area by professional (Oozing and Dr. W.H.O. and talented amateur (Basket) alike. We'll see how she feels when she comes down with Lyme disease in some foreign outpost. Nonetheless. she was "alouetted" in good spirits, and as the evening ended, the pack could not get thrown out, and so had to pay the exorbitant check.


On-on

The Slasher Dr. W.H.O.