Run # 783 May 14, 2001

Hare:   Tinker

Co-hare: Short-shorts

Scribe:  The Slasher Dr. WHO

Where:   Gilbert Stuart Museum, North Kingstown

The Weather:  Low 60's, scattered showers

Present: Basket Boom-boom, Bondo Jovi, Oozing S.D., The Slasher Dr. W.H.O., Altered E.D.

SCB's: P.W., Zoe, Cheap Licker.

Virgins: Just Boomer, Just Donna, Just Evelyn, Just Nicole, Just Rob.

Management Team: Ben, Jake, Baxter.

Missing-presumed-to-have-participated: Dolly Llama, Panchen Llama.
Commemorating: The 69th anniversary of the "We Want Beer!" Parade: May 14, 1932, in New York City (in protest of Prohibition).

The pack gathered in the two parking lots opposite the Gilbert Stuart Museum in North Kingston, evenly split between those that could see the giant HHH on the ground in front of the 1st lot, and those who required the services of seeing-eye dogs, and ended up in the next lot. When all had been gathered, it became clear that an unusual number of virgins had been co-opted, probably by the judicious use of little-know Asiatic hypnotic techniques by Dr W.H.O. At any rate, Bondo, Oozing, Dr. WHO, and hares Tinker and Short-shorts all welcomed Just Boomer, Just Donna, Just Rob and Just Evelyn (or Fred, Ethel, Ricky and Lucy), to the pack, and promised a lovely and gentle excursion as an introduction to the refined world of RIH3 hashing. WIPOS, from his hospital bed, had obviously advised the virgins how to dress, as all were wearing winter running garb and not one of them had an inch of unprotected skin. Basket arrived bearing the new hashit bungeed to his posterior, unfortunately not concealing his iridescent mauve flowered running shorts. Instructions from Tinker, given slowly, using no words over two syllables, cleared up any questions the virgins had, but had Bondo and Dr. WHO so confused that it appeared for a while that they might not be able to find the start at all. Tinker promised that he had permission from all the property owners for the pack to traverse their lands. He promised no briars. He promised no shiggy. Finally he told of the legendary "Dragon" and "Dead Head" checks, checks which were to soon be found to have no discernable significance whatsoever. The pack was told to follow Short-shorts to the start, so Basket and Oozing ran on ahead, heedless, into the woods.

After some initial chaos, the trail was found, adjacent to the Gilbert Stuart House, crossing a bridge to the west bank of the Pettasquamscutt River, heading north towards Carr Pond. A sign reading "Check for Ticks" led to a fruitless search for the little critters in the dirt. It was decided that, being small insects with little brains (much like the pack itself), the ticks would probably choose the false trail anyways. Turning west into briars, skirting the pond, everyone kept together for a while. Altered E.D. joined and soon passed many of the crowd, bringing with him yet another virgin, Just Nicole. Soon back on a dirt road, they entered the grounds of a girls summer camp: Camp Nowanalei. This proved disappointing to many of the group, so they stayed on trail, back to Gilbert Stuart Road. Here they split into three: one group heading NW up Hammond Hill, another back towards the cars, and the third hanging around Short-shorts, who had showed a tendency to stop by the correct trail when everyone was really screwing up.

True trail was south, up a driveway, and soon turned east to the Pettasquamscutt River. A flour shortage was encountered. Correctly deducing that this was an A to B trail (from the fact that Tinker had borrowed Bondo's van at the start), the group followed the river south. Amidst the general confusion, a terrified property owner encountered a large number of the pack, and developed acute chest pain, and shortness of breath. Apparently, Tinker had obtained permission from her husband to run the trail across their land; but with a sense of humor worthy of a hasher, he had not informed his wife and had run off to the Oak Hill Tavern to quaff some suds with the boys. She was resuscitated and reassured, and went off to put some poison ivy in her husband's boxer shorts. A group of heavyweight rowers from URI were encountered, carrying the 2000lb coach's launch. When they saw the group approaching, they stopped in mid trail, like deer in the headlights, forcing the hashers to run around, over and under them, in order to stay on trail. They did offer to "stroke" for some of the harriettes.

An arrow was found, leading to a check mark near the river. Using the new system devised by Tinker specifically for this hash, this meant that the preceding arrow was to be ignored, and the true trail led in the opposite direction. Now going west into a field, a maypole was found with the mystical "dragon" check at its base. Cottoning on to Tinker's ways, the check was ignored, and the group headed straight on into the woods, although Oozing hung back at first, to stroke the pole, and Ben attempted to mount the dragon. In the woods, it was not long before the "Dead Head" check was found, near the only shiggy on the trail. This was a muddy stream running down the trail. Unfortunately, most decided to bypass the mud, which was all too easy, and didn't even require any blood loss.

The beer check was found, much of the beer ingeniously hidden in P.W.'s and Cheap Licker's respective stomachs. They had arrived separately, using another style of hashing, previously unknown to your inexperienced scribe. This apparently involves short-cutting on the basis of insider information, to the beer stop where the goal is to consume as much of the beer as possible without any physical exertion whatsoever, before Bondo arrives, so that he will be left short. The plan worked well. While the FRB's had Harpoon with the SCB's, Bondo was given a Budweiser, found on trail and possibly the cause of death for the Dead Head found at the nearby check. He shared, as is his wont, by giving a communal beer shampoo. A few Renaissance tunes were harmonized, then off to the endpoint, a few hundred yards away, on Tower Hill Road. The dogs and virgins and Bondo were driven back to the cars, while the masochism crowd ran the two miles back to the circle.

The circle was joined. The hare received unusually charitable scores, in keeping with the good behaviour theme of the evening. The good weather, the lack of shiggy, the lack of BEER!, and the lack of major blood loss all were counted against him. On the positive side, Shine On was missing, the mosquitoes were biting, and the nation's flour stockpile remained full. Total score: +6.9. Virgins in the circle answered Oozing's questions with appropriate confusion, although when Just Rob found out that Dr. WHO had made Just Evelyn cum, he required a tranquilizer dart from Basket's Blowgun. Just Donna said: "I thought you guys just went into the woods together to drink beer!" Just Boomer quietly drank his beer. Just Donna and Just Evelyn did their down downs with water, [ignoring the risks of hyponatremia and water intoxication, as well as ignoring the fact that water is at least partly (I think) made of hydrogen, which is highly explosive AND used in the Hydrogen bomb] and Just Nicole sang for the virgins: "What do you do with a drunken sailor". The virgins were declared hashers.

All present were at one time or another nominated for the hashit for spurious reasons, but ultimately it remained with Basket, his crime being the simple fact of his existence. While songs were sung, a van pulled up and a girl got out and asked if the group had seen two llamas. You could tell from her tone that she suspected Bondo of some sexual perversion with her prized quadrupeds, but Bondo was able to successfully convince her that he preferred "the-love-that-dare-not-bark-its-name". She left, and the llamas, showing Tibetan wisdom, did not appear in the circle.

After "Swinging Low", the virgins went home to their babysitters, Basket wanked off, whining about an early business trip, and the remaining group went to the On On for some delicious food, and more good behaviour, with only a sotto voce rendition of "I used to work in Chicago" distinguishing the group from a church lady tea party. A fine time was had by all, although if the new hashers show up again, it will probably be to institute legal proceedings against Dr. WHO.

On on

The Slasher Dr. W.H.O.