Run # 784 May 21, 2001

Hare:   Async

Scribe:  Tinker

Where:   George Washington Management Area

The Weather:  Low 60's, cloudy

Present: Basket Boom-boom, Bondo Jovi, Tinker,  The Slasher Dr. W.H.O., WIPOS, Short Peck

The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "YOU LIED!" 

Uhhh, ummmm.. this started out as a state-of-the-art write-up on Tuesday morning. It's now Saturday morning. The inspiration has completely worn off. So here's the write-up, without hyperbole, exaggeration, or frogs. 

CHECK BACK RUN NO 784 (?)
Hare: Async
Venue: Rhode Island's own Appalachia

This well-used area south of the Route 44 is always a good one. No one who lives there owns a telephone so no one calls the police. Some of them don't even have houses. We once literally ran across a family living in a car. In fact, Async has used this area so often that people call out greetings as we run past, the most common being "Where's that bastard Async? He still owes me child support!" 

As the pack needed no introduction to the area, Async's instructions were simple: "that way", "two beer stops", and "Basket, don't shit on the trail". "Pack" by way of explanation, is a somewhat generous description. The usual turnout is two physical cripples, two mental cripples, one emotional cripple, two state-assigned medical minders, and the Grand Master who is a dog. This does not include Short Peck. He carefully distances himself from the pack, appearing here and there on rocks in the middle of the woods. 

This time one of our minders, Dr. Oozing, was missing. (The problem, which doesn't bother too many of us, might have been gainful employment.) Furthermore, Dr. Who was totally distracted by the thought that he'd told last week's visitors to go to a Big River site for this run. We may never see them or double figures again. 

 As a result, we were more or less left on our own. Apparently we were so pathetic that the hare had to run back and forth, in front of the pack, behind the pack, in and out of the woods, herding us kind of like a large sheepdog. He was also constantly changing shirts, blowing whistles, and shouting "on-on" in different voices, all in an attempt to create the illusion that this is a big Hash. We accept all this as "normal". Gispert must be spinning like a top in his grave. 

Five minutes into the run Bondo deserts, thinking "Two beer stops, what the fuck, that gives me a good chance of finding one right now", and off he lurches toward water and obvious shiggy. Later we find out that he circled the pond at least three times. It took him fifteen minutes to do each circuit, but Bondo's attention span is only fourteen minutes. 

As promised, there were two beer stops, the first at the top of this figure "8" run, and the second and the bottom of the "8", in our only shiggy. This was also two feet from the trail worn by Bondo. I really think he's losing it. 

Then a pleasant stroll back to the cars from the beer stop. Basket: "What would Gispert be doing if he were alive today?" Tinker: "Dunno." Basket: "Scratching on  the lid." Tinker: "Oh." 

The circle was called, and the hare was invited to step forward for some recognition. In keeping with the kinder, gentler RIH3 image projected last Monday for the sake of some non-male visitors, Async received nothing but praise. WIPOS went straight to a "6.9", Bondo to a "no fuck" run, and Basket forgot what he was going to say. Jake, HMWHMH, then honored returners and visitors. WIPOS, the returner, had to explain how  he'd managed to rupture his spleen while coaching little girls, and he took a suspiciously long time thinking about it. Baxter had to explain for the hundredth time why he keeps bringing Basket, and Ben refused explain Bondo. (If someone ever does explain Bondo, there's a Nobel Prize waiting.) Instead, Ben took out his frustration by beating Short Peck around the legs with a long stick. Finally Async's supply of rancid ten-year old micro-brewery specials ran out (Thank God), and Jake dismissed the circle. If that's what "woof" means. Maybe it means he misses Sweet Molasses.

The O-O-O had 100% attendance at Cady's, which must be the most tolerant public bar in the world. They serve food (of a sort), but Async ordered pizza brought in from outside. Three or four videos going, we're screaming (we think it's singing), and Tinker leaves a trail of salt on the floor because he doesn't realize he's holding the salt shaker upside down. Nobody at the bar seems to care, notice, or even move. PW's pepper spray would have zero effect here. The pizza, especially the WIPOS special, was good, the beer was OK, and Basket's jokes were bad - those few he managed to remember through to the punch line. I think he's losing it, too. Here's an easy one, Basket. 

SHINE-ON LEARNS THE WORST

Shine-on gives birth, and afterwards the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

She sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is
a hermaphrodite."

She says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of both a male and a female."

Shine-on turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis...
AND a brain?"

On on

Tinker.