It’s a Monday in Tiverton, hard by the clear blue water, well kept homes looking out towards Middletown, Fall River just a memory. Beautiful clear skies, low humidity, the perfect night for a Hash among a great warren of trail in a little visited part of the State. What could go wrong?

The perfect hash became the flashpoint for the RIH3 transition into the RI Search and Rescue squad, complete with German Shepards and St Bernards. A watershed day for the RIH3, the first time a hasher had become completely lost, and couldn’t be found anywhere near the trail. Of course we should have looked in the numerous cabs that work that side of the Sakonnet, but I am getting ahead of myself.

Enema Bill (LAM), Async, Sex Something, PW, Short Peck, Oozing, WIPOS, and some virgin joined the hare (Dr. WHO) and were whisked away to the fine trails of the Tiverton Town Woods. Bodhisattva Bondo declining to join this weeks hash as a result of a nasty domestic squabble with Enema Bill (LAM), over the position of a toilet seat. Gaytona, who said Gaytona?

The woods, dry as Bondo’s humor, have become the Snake Den of Dr WHO. A capable bit of nature in a god forsaken part of the State, that has few unique features, allowing the hares to reset the same run over and over without anyone noticing. The Skunk Den hashes are significant as the only pretext to entice Rhode Islanders to visit Tiverton. However, visit before 8:00PM, before the lights are turned off.

The trail led up the hill and down the hill, over dry creekbeds and horse trail. The FRB’s of Oozing and Async were caught out at the numerous checks, the pack collapsed together, ran some power lines then turned back into the woods to hunt for a beer check. A hash largely uneventful, except for the nasty battle between Baxter and a nameless skunk. The hash thoroughly appreciated being able to know Enema Bill (LAM) was near . The skunk funk worked better than a cowbell.

The hunt was rewarded with a a check upon a high stone formation, providing a nice view of Middletown at sunset. Enema Bill (LAM) did not expose himself.

Yada Yada on out as the sun set rapidly, the famous last words of " WIPOS, do you have a flashlight" ringing through the woods at the notorious hash tortoise.

Back out of the woods to the base of that 200 foot tower with red lights (see a common physical reference here?) circle up, when the reality hits- No WIPOS. After much jubilation the circle continued, with Enema Bill declaring that we would find WIPOS- after finishing the beer. PW, already on high alert from having to leave the West Bay, sped off to find WIPOS along one of the 2 roads in Tiverton. No overly dressed middle aged man with a walking stick was found.

Back at the circle,  the beer was finished and teams set off to find the missing hasher. Cell phone equipped, and working in pairs, virtually the whole of the woods were searched without success. All holes were looked into, reveling nothing more than some potential Boston Hashers. Even the town dump was searched when someone shouted out that they could smell Shine On. The teams linked up at the beer check, at which time Oozing, who had started the journey with PW, deserted him to spend some quiet time in the woods. An alarming display of broken American Pakistani relations. This desertion also forced Enema Bill to ride out of the woods with PW, 4 grown men, 2 large dogs, 1 outsized ego, and 1 funky smell in a Ford Escort. Now approaching 11:30PM,  the team knew they would have to seek professional help. Async, for his part, remained coolly in control of the command point, speaking to an Uzbeki chicken herder via the shortwave radio.

What happened to WIPOS? According to his unsubstantiated story, he got lost, walked into Massachusetts and found a Quickie Mart. He then was able to call for a mystical cab to pick him up in Tiverton RI at 1100PM , and whisk him back to the starting point for no money.

Rumors quickly started that WIPOS was gone the same length of time that it would take someone to get arrested for public indecency (or a similar fashion crime), and get bail. Yet another rumor circulated that he had used the isolated area to make contact with an emissary from his home planet.

The Hashit for life is now responsible for a $3,146 bill for Search and Rescue services. Pay up, or we will take your walking stick.