Run # 810  November 12, 2001

Location: East Side- City of Cianci

Hare: OOzing

Hashit: Enema Bill LAM (formerly Basket Boom Boom, formerly Bag of Douche)

Weather: dark, 50’s

Scribe: PW

Mismanagement: Zoe, Baxter,

Attendance: Dr WHO Slasher, Enema Bill LAM, Bondo (Bodhisattva),WIPOS, PW, Async,  Oozing, EverReady, 26 men proud to be Portuguese

The Run:

Adding to the military spirit of the day, our own Pakistani decided that a little PT run through the night was in order. The Hare continued his streak of punishing long runs to bedevil the Hash, this time through the pleasant roll of his adoptive East Side.  The pack was lucky to be at the Hash at all, since the Hare, in a further spirit of military secrecy, did not announce the directions until 5:30 that night. Despite his best efforts to throw us off, Dr WHO Slasher, Bondo (Bodhisattva), WIPOS, PW, Async, and EverReady found the Benefit St love nest. The pack urged a quick exit at 6:30, before Enema Bill (LAM) turned up.

Under cover of darkness (except for WIPOS, clad in neon pinks and purples, and Async, decked out in flaming yellow) the pack received instructions from the Oozing one. Showing his true loyalties, he described Newport H3 hash marks, and substituted the European traffic signal for “ no access” for the conventional “check”. There were also some funny little arrows, but I digress.

Down the hill to Roger Williams Park, where our spirits were shattered by the oncoming headlights of Enema Bill (LAM). Foiled again!  Below the State House found the first strange looking check, as Async scouted high, and Dr WHO scouted low. Governor Almond was not disturbed. Lt Gov Fogarty ran outside to shake hands and offer hot cocoa if we would please, please, please keep him in the only fulltime job he’s ever had.

Slipping away from the mess, true trail was found along the river towards the morgue, where more puzzlement set in. Oozing had politely used chalk the same color as the sidewalk, so as not to alarm the authorities on the lookout for white powder. The camouflage marks were all the hash had to work with Even odder, since we were now across from the magic Shell station/car wash, where all kinds of white powder can be found by anyone willing to ask.  Screams of “Kill the Hare” were cut off after two white-coated attendants rolled a gurney out of the morgue on Orms St and urged us to “ Do it, I need the overtime” 

The pack declined to send Oozing off to his virgins, and waited just long enough for Async and Bondo to rejoin after their speculative sojourn behind the Old Registry Building. Not that there is anything wrong with that…………

On out exploring the check, including one trail followed by Dr WHO and PW that was marked with an “F”. Assuming this to be “F for False” instead of ‘F for Fucking Idiot Hare” they retreated back to join the pack at the most logical point for the next clandestine chalk mark- across the intersection, up a hill and behind a mailbox.  Very Zen. Dr WHO had spent much effort searching the grounds of the windowless “ American Mathematical Society”, a CIA front if ever there was one.

On out to N. Main and the loop towards Pawtucket. Bondo, sensing that he might know the true destination of the beer check, ran down the opposite side of the street. This was a good move, since Bondo’s aromas were forcing the pack to fall further and further behind.  Async took up his FRB position with Enema Bill. PW and Dr WHO and EverReady kept to the middle, while WIPOS took up the rear, stylish yet elegant in his pink arctic suit, with matching walking stick.

Up the hills of the East Side we ran, following few marks until the pack got to Hope St. From there, it became a search and rescue mission, to find any marks that made sense. Alone and in pairs, the H3 moved through the side streets of a quiet neighborhood, which Enema Bill (LAM), alerted to his presence by blowing his own horn. Now, into mile #5 of the hash, the speculation grew about this mystical beer check. Tortillas? Olivers? The empty field at the corner of Camp and Jenkins St?  The Horror continued as PW was left to run with Enema Bill (LAM), dragging both Zoe and Baxter, who were so tired they couldn’t even sniff assholes.  Async and Dr WHO ran each mark to ground, while the Dr Seuss hat-wearing Hare was nowhere to be seen.

The scattered marks led the H3 down to Elmgrove Ave. and looping past Moses Brown where the odd shaped shadow of the Bodhisattva fell upon PW and EB (LAM).  Placing him downwind, the three set off to a straight shot down Thayer St. The H3 pack descended upon the spoiled and selfish Brown U douche bags waiting for their Spike's junkyard dog. They had never seen a WIPOS, smelled a Bondo, or heard an Enema Bill (LAM). They did, however, cheer for Oozing as he ran down the street, obviously mistaking him for Osama in a Dr. Seuss hat.  Their two heroes together at last.

At the end of Thayer St. the flour and chalk again disappeared, leaving the pack to scramble on towards Fox Point in search of the beer check. Separately, Async, Dr WHO, PW and Enema Bill arrived at the circled B outside a completely dark house. Bondo stumbled in minutes later, again declaring that he knew exactly where the beer check was all along. Funny how he spent 7 miles getting there.

The Hare soon arrived and announced that we were at the neighborhood Portuguese –American Club. After deciding that only 2 hashers (Oozing and PW) actually have enough hair to pass as even part Portagee, Oozing was sent in first, where he promptly declared himself as Azorean.  He was lucky to get that far. In typical Portagee engineering, the dartboard had been placed behind the door used to enter the building!

EverReady took her place as the only woman in the bar, fending off marriage proposals that included dried fish as a dowry. WIPOS received an offer of a “ride on a boat”. Bondo lit up a stogie, if only to mask his own body odor. Enema Bill watered the dogs. Async regaled the barman with his knowledge that 70% of the worlds cork comes from Portugal. The walls were decorated with several pictures of Oozing (with crosshairs drawn upon him) and EverReady and WIPOS in bathing suits.  After a few quick pitchers, we exited as the locals started arguing about the upcoming Benfica vs. Sportu soccer game.

On out, a straight shot down Benefit St to the Oozing love lair, forming miles 7&8 for the night. The Hare stopped to buy more Sammy Cream, since we had been out so long that his last batch had passed the expiration date.  The Circle was held outside behind some pawnshop, much to Oozing’s neighbors’ dismay. Enema Bill (LAM) received the Hashit, for leaving the Hashit in his car. Swing Low, and on up to Oozings lair for food.  Async and WIPOS began stripping in the hallways, because they were “wet”. Async from being the FRB and running the many checks, WIPOS because he wore 8 layers of clothes and it was only 50 F degrees. 

The highlight of the night was Bondo removing his shirt, which prompted PW to flee after quickly losing his appetite, and the rest of the H3 to collect money to purchase the Bodhisattva a “Bro” or “ mansier”  Not that there is anything wrong with that………..

Note: The Scribe, on behalf of the RI H3, would like to thank Providence Mayor Buddy Cianci for providing a City that we could set a Hash in. Thanks also go out to Mayor Cianci’s Liaison to the Hash, George Calise, for his inspiration in the length of Monday's Hash.

On On

PW