The Roger Williams Park Young Love Hash

Run # 818  January 14, 2002

Hare:  Oozing Syphilitic Dicktaphone

Scribe:  The Slasher Dr W.H.O.

Location: Roger Williams Park, Providence

The Weather:    Low 30's, Clear.

The Run:

The inevitable core group of half-minds gathered behind the Parkview Junior High School opposite Roger Williams Park with time to spare. Even Basket proved that a blind man who habitually ignores d'erections could make it to this location as he arrived 10 minutes early. WIPOS cracked open some beer and the group awaited the starting time hoping that Ben's howling and whimpering would not attract the police (or PW). It seemed for a while that the cast of characters was to be the same as last week when, with a minute to spare, up pulled EverReady, and Just Carole with the virgin Just Keren (who obviously must have pretty poor judgement to show up with this group). Instructions were given by the hare in what might as well have been some Hindustani dialect for as much as the group could understand them. Then they were off looking for a true Rhode Island trail ("Go to the f*cking Dunkin' Donuts and turn left, you wanks!"). 

They headed southeast on Park Avenue in search of the Double-D, the gap between Async in the lead and WIPOS in the rear rapidly widening. Turning left on Edgewood Boulevard, the park was entered at an obvious check. The trail led along the eastern shore of Elm Lake with plenty of flour marking the way, almost as if the hare had planned on the presence of inexperienced hashers, virgins, WIPOS and Basket. It was impossible to get lost. The terrain was such that even Dr. WHO could not trip and fall on the carefully graded and cleared paths. There was minimal ice and virtually no mud. What a disappointment for all! Coming up to Edgewood Lake, the runners continued north-northeast hoping against hope that something would liven up the run. A parked car was passed and its occupants appeared not to notice the runners; horns, whistles, dogs, and all. The driver seemed to be resting, while his companion bent over searching for something he must have dropped in the driver's seat. (Your scribe was running too fast to get a good look.)  

They soon turned west, crossing the bridge at Cladrastis Avenue onto Noonan Island. More clear marks and gentle paths. [It is clear that Horace W. S. Cleveland (a little-known rival of F. L. Olmsted) who designed the park in 1878, did not have hashing in mind as he landscaped the area into a bland and flat terrain of well-drained lawns with orderly ornamental shrubberies and tall straight shade trees. He even gave seven different names to the same lake in an effort to compete with the "Emerald Necklace".] [You see how boring this hash was, when the scribe has to include details like this to fill out his paragraphs.] In desperation, Bondo and WIPOS broke into the new Botanical Center hoping to find some bull-briars or poison ivy to run through. A second parked car was encountered by some of the runners. Again, your scribe is not completely certain but the occupants, one on top of the other, appeared to be engaging in spirited CPR practice. The runners continued west, crossing back onto the mainland, and turning southwest along the shores of Cunliffe Lake. 

Soon the trail led off Pine Hill Avenue to the Temple of music. The back of the pack approached the temple uneasily as unearthly sounds could be heard:

      "Ob's stürmt oder schneit,

      Ob die Sonne uns lacht,

      Der Tag glühend heißOder

      eiskalt die Nacht!"

With a sad surmise, it was realized that the brain-damaged Basket had passed into the Temple, thinking it was the Brandenburg Gate. He had had another instant identity switch (as he has had on the last six or seven hashes). He was now SS-Sturmbannfürher von GeBasket, marching along the Unter den Linden to join the Jäger-zu-Pferd regiment N. 2 in '42. A sharp blow to the head from WIPOS's stick and he was back to normal (as if!), and the run continued. 

Leaving Teutonic pleasures behind, they headed south on an isthmus that jutted northeast into Lake Cunliffe. Async noted to Dr WHO: "I think we've had a beer check here before at the end of this peninsula, the hare wouldn't be so obvious." A few yards back, Bondo said to Just Carole and Just Keren: "We've had a beer check here before, but hares of the RIH3 would never repeat themselves." WIPOS observed to the hare: "Too bad you couldn't use this peninsula for a beer check again."  Running out to the end of the peninsula: the beer check was found!  

The beer was broached. Basket, in an effort to welcome the women and virgins and to make them feel comfortable with this crew of manly men, began singing a prolonged version of "I've Got the Clap, Again." [Actually, Basket's symptoms more closely resemble tertiary neurosyphilis: visual disturbances, dementia, incontinence, abnormal gait, etc. but this is simply medical carping and your scribe apologizes. I am sure he is no stranger to the clap, either.] The virgin got all wet from this, and tried to blame it on Baxter and Jake, returning from their swim. She stated she was originally from Chicago, so naturally "I used to work in Chicago" followed. Finally, recognizing the limited number of escape routes possible on a ten-yard wide peninsula (should the Park Police arrive and somehow object to the boisterous good nature of the gathering), they packed up and headed back south and southwest.  

Async and Basket soon outstripped the rest, who were slowed by the impulse of stopping at a few more parked cars on Frederick Greene Memorial Boulevard to take notes. It is amazing how many legitimate and useful activities can be accomplished in a parked car at night. Your scribe had no idea. Gradually, the runners straggled back behind the Jr. High; Async and Basket reluctantly leaving the front seat of Basket's car to join the circle. Just Keren, a neophyte at urban public urination technology, went off in the woods briefly. She dug a 2 foot hole, carved a toilet seat cover out of a discarded piece of plywood, killed and skinned three squirrels to create a fur lined seat, and relieved herself. The circle was finally joined in the bushes above the parking area. 

And not a moment too soon, because a car containing a jealous and enraged Misses Enema Bill drove in, and circled several times before giving up, while the circle hid in fear atop the bluff. The hare in the circle: ratings were genteelly delivered so as not to offend the newcomers: 4F from Basket, 6.2 from Async (using the New Math), "Delightful" from Bondo, "No Shiggy", "Lousy Weather", "Too Short", from the rest. Overall: 5.69. Virgin in the circle, questioned by the hare. Just Keren admitted to a deviant relationship with Just Carole, gave her name (without spelling guidance for the scribe so she gets what the scribe gives, for life, and it's just too bad if I've got it wrong already!), and said her favorite sexual position was "the usual". This caused some interest to stir through the crowd as WIPOS was not aware that anyone else had that sort of technology available to them, Basket couldn't believe that the virgin was physically capable of twisting herself that way and Bondo tried to get the leashes back on his dogs. She did her down down with upwards of 1.4 ounces of beer and sang a popular song that no one knew, so she was drowned out by out-of-tune and ad-libbed obscenities (sung genteelly, of course). Like it or not, she is now a hasher and can expect to get accosted in public places by strangers, shunned by her family and friends, and watched closely by members of the Law Enforcement community. 

Just Carole qualified for a visit to the circle based on both the poor-judgement-for-actually-returning rule, as well as the backslider's clause for missing so many intervening runs. After a down down, she started "A Wild Rover", which Basket took over, mentally translating it into German and back to English again as he sang, with variable comprehensibility (but with tremendous gentility). Hashit was next. Basket, as the official holder of the hashit for PW, set his sights on WIPOS, Async, EverReady, and Bondo. Your scribe was bored by this time and his always-limited attention span wandered off into the night. He does not recall who ended up with the thing, but will state definitively that it ended up with Basket anyways, knowing that in all probability this is a safe guess. Hash religion next, and the ceremony was (genteelly) over. 

The on on on was in Cranston, and the hare thoughtfully provided hairgum pomade for the harriers and beehive wigs for the harriettes. The venue: "Billy's Frosted Mug", that welcoming and genteel establishment where they serve their beer in trademark glasses warm from the dishwasher. [N.B. I believe that the source of the name comes from the time Billy got mugged outside of his own bar on opening night, and got really frosted about it. Or perhaps it was cold that night. There are certainly no mugs in the place. Except for the patrons, of course.] At any rate, all except Async (who was observed driving slowly back into Roger Williams Park) arrived, and found seats. While having pleasant conversations (Thank God Monday Night Football is over!), most of the group enjoyed themselves, that enjoyment not lessened by the fact that Bondo and Basket spent most of the evening at the dart board.  The new hasher Just Keren assured all that she loved every minute of the hash and would definitely return (under her breath your scribe thinks he heard her murmur something about Hell freezing over, but he could not be sure, as the nicotine intoxication from the ambience of Billy's affected his hearing). At any rate, beer flowed, the food arrived, Basket put out one of his eyes again playing darts, and the evening ended on a mellow note.

 On On

 The Slasher Dr. W.H.O.