The Gospel According to Oozing Mohammed

Run: #853, September 2, 2002


Hare: Basket
Location: North Smithfield
Scribe: Oozing
Weather: 70s, Raining
Present: The Slasher Dr. W.H.O., Basket Boom Boom, W.I.P.O.S., Oozing Syphilitic Dicktaphone, Trail Hoover,  Bondo Jovi, Async, Shine On, Fat One, Async, Crème Whora Mr. Rogers
 

In the beginning…
God was alone. Not having a beer to drink or anything like that, he was bored out of his gourd, so he created the universe. In it he made stars and planets in spinning solar systems, that were pretty neat and fun to look at, but still didn’t give him the satisfaction of a good beer. So then God made the earth with lots of H₂O, and put life therein, including the blessed yeast to make beer.

Bondo wasn’t around yet, so he didn’t have a good recipe to work with, but he knew that water was only part of the picture. So he pushed aside the seas and created the firmament, on which to plant barley. The barley grew and grew, but was soon taken over by weeds, and God would have none of that. He made animals, of all kinds to eat the wild weeds, and then made a buddy to drink the beer with, and called him Adam. And God was happy.

Adam was running through the fields of barley, naked and alone, because God didn’t want him to see God just yet. He knew that might scare him, and a beer would settle things nicely, but he had plenty of time for that later. Adam was cutting down the barley and cooking it up with the water and yeast, and then he grabbed some funny smelling things off a vine. He called those hops, because it seemed to grow on long vines that hopped from tree to tree. Adam threw some of these into his vat of water and yeast and barley, and when he let it sit for a couple days, it tasted really good. And Adam was happy.

Now God saw Adam drinking all this beer, and still wasn’t ready to show himself until Adam perfected the recipe, so he decided to give Adam someone to clean up after, and bring him his dinner.   God reached into Adam, while he was asleep, grabbed a rib, covered it with shiggy, and called it Eve. She was extremely smart. She could balance a beer glass on her head, and do all kinds of fun stuff, without spilling a drop. Pretty soon, Adam got so busy with Eve that God was alone again, and he didn’t like it very much, but Adam was ecstatic.

Still, having so much time on his hands, God didn’t rush in to fix things just yet. He sat back and watched as the population grew and grew. Soon there were men and women everywhere. They covered the planet, and drank a lot of beer, but didn’t do much else. Then, finally, God began to get angry. So he looked out over the land to find some just men. Men that could run and drink beer at the same time, and he found one, in the northwest corner of Burrillville, Rhode Island. And he was called Basket Boom Boom of RIH3.

God's Plan to Save Us…

Basket Boom Boom found grace in the eyes of the Lord. Basket was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Basket ran with beer and God loved him for that. The earth was corrupt before God, and it was filled with violence and sloth. God rewards people who run with beer and are good, but punishes those that are fat and lazy.

Have you ever done something bad? When your parents found out about it, what happened? I don’t know about you, but I used to get spanked. Have you ever been spanked? Did your parents spank you because they didn’t love you anymore? No, they love you very much, but they wanted you to remember to do the right thing next time. They had to deal with your behavior so you would change it. (Oozing lesson one, Basket loves to be spanked)

When God looked at the world that He had made, he became sad about how bad things had become. He had to deal with the world’s sin. He loved Basket and he had a plan to save us all, everyone.

The Big Tadoo

God’s plan to save Basket was to have him build an ark. God knew how to build it and what to use to build it. He gave Basket very detailed plans about how to build it. What if Basket had decided he would just build it the way that suited him? What if he had said, "Lord, I’ll build this boat with bricks. It will be the strongest boat ever!" The boat would surely need to be strong, but the bricks would not be light enough to float in water. The boat would sink. Can’t you hear God saying, "No, Basket, go for wood!" (Gopher wood) Ha, ha! (Oozing joke)

God always knows what to do, and he will tell us. So we should pray to know what God wants us to do. If we pray we won’t make mistakes and sin. God told Basket to prepare a place for all the animals. How many animals of each kind did Basket bring? Yes, two pairs of every kind, male and female, but mostly sheep and goats and cows. God wanted to have them for the New World that would come after the flood. He had Basket bring plenty of food for them also. God always provides for us. Even now He has prepared a place for all people who love Jesus and will come to get us one day, just as He came for the animals and Basket. (Oozing lesson 2, don’t forget the females)

Too much shiggy…

God’s plan was for Basket to construct a large vessel that would hold all the different kinds of animals. About 75,000 animals would need to go on the ark. Could it hold that many animals? Could Basket build such a boat? God gave Basket a head start. He told Basket when he was 480 years old that in another 120 years the judgment would come. When Noah was 500 years old he began to have children: three sons. Then the Basket & Sons Ark Supply Company began its task to build the ark. No one had ever seen much rain before. The earth had a mist, daily dew that would come, but that was it. They laughed at Basket and his boat. Sometimes people may laugh at Christians and Moslems for doing the right thing, but what is important is that Basket obeyed God. We should obey God also, no matter what other people think.

God told Basket exactly how to build the ark: it was about 450 feet long, 75 feet wide, and 45 feet tall. It would have three decks, and a window for air. It only had one door. Through that door, all who entered would be saved. All who stayed behind would die. It only had one bathroom, which made things pretty messy downstairs, so most everyone, including the animals tried to get up by the window.

The ark’s size made it six times longer than it was wide. This made it very stable in the water. If a large wave tried to turn it over, it would right itself. It would tend to position itself to face the waves. Even winds, blowing three times stronger than a hurricane, would not turn the ark over, but did make the smell a little better. The ark did not have a rudder to steer it. It only had to float.

God was the pilot, not Basket, because Basket was still drinking lots of beer and visiting the sheep. Do you have trouble giving the steering wheel to God? Pretend you are in the ark, with nothing to grab hold of except God. The ark had room for 750 railroad cars of cargo. It could have easily held 180,000 sheep, and you wouldn’t get much sleep. There was room for all the animals, and hay and corn to feed them. Most of the animals would nap and hibernate during the rocky ride. But how did Noah get all the animals on board? God supernaturally directed the animals to come to the ark, and promised them sex and beer. He brought them in to save them from the flood. (Oozing lesson 3, sheep are good)

The Perfect Storm…

So Basket built the ark, then his family went in the ark seven days before the flood when he was 600 years old. God brought in the animals and the Lord shut him in. The flood was the second worst disaster ever recorded in history. The Bondo Jovi AGM trail still holds the record for worst disaster ever. The entire earth was covered with water and there were no survivors except those on the ark. The fountains of the great deep were broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened. Basket and the animals were surely frightened, but extremely happy with lots of beer and Vaseline. Great earthquakes hurled ash high in the air and it rained, as it never has. Even the waters under the earth came out of the ground. The water rose to a height that covered the mountains. The waters rose and the ark floated for 150 days, or five months.

Even when it came to rest on the top of the Johnston Landfill, it was not safe for Basket to leave the ark. Basket obeyed God and stayed in the ark until 375 days after the rain began, and just before the beer ran out The Ark slipped down the side of the Landfill and finally stopped at Pacheco Park in North Smithfield.

When they finally went out of the Ark, Basket took the flour and laid trail. The sodden ground sucked up the flour and Baskets shoes like Eve did Adam, but Basket kept on. When Basket finally made it back to Pacheco Park, the Fat One, Async, Crème Whora Mr. Rogers and Shine On had already left the Ark and started out looking for the new beer. Oozing, Friar and Summers Eve Seven Year Bitch were confused from the smell, as they were in the bottom of the Ark, and they waited for Basket to return. Finally, they all went out and followed the trail Basket had lain that day. And the trail was good.

The pack made their way through the ball field and forest, stopping once or twice to find true trail, as the cunning Basket tested their faith. Then they came to the Slatersville Reservoir Upper Falls, and saw the early pack drinking the new beer on the opposite bank. They all swam across and enjoyed the Beer Basket Brought. And it was good.

Now when they finished the beer, they gave Basket a 10-minute head start, and proceeded to catch him, for he knew where the rest of the beer was hid. As they ran through the sand and gravel yard, a toothless guard stopped Basket and asked him if he knew where he was. Basket told him about the Ark and the beer and especially the sheep, and the guard got all glassy-eyed and Basket slipped away, just as the pack was getting really really close.

The Big Finish…

They ran down Tiff Road and just as they got close to catching Basket, he ran up a driveway and asked a homeowner if he could bring his friend along the lake trail. The homeowner was with God and he knew of Basket’s final trek, so he let him go. The pack chased Basket back to Pacheco Park, where everyone was wet and dry, because of the rain and no more beer. So Basket took everyone back to his house for food and beer. And it was good.

Let's be ready when Basket sets trail again. Don't miss the boat!