The Lascivious Lizard Ice Crawlers Hash

Run #878, February 24, 2003

The Characters:

Ice Hare: Async
Repulsive Reptilians: Dr. WHO, Bondo, WIPOS, Oozing, KNO, and Basket
Lascivious Lizards: Swallows My Pride, SESYB, and ERSB7
Gregarious Gators: Ben, Jake, Mr. Peabody, and Seamus

The Circumstances:

Location: Little Big Frozen River
Weather: Balmy for the Abdominal Snow Man, but for creatures of a less hardy variety, ‘effin cold’

The Particulars:

This could start with “It was a dark and dreary night”, or “Too cold for man nor beast”, or better yet, “what the heck are we doin’ here?” I was feeling was a bit like Ronald Coleman holding Jane Wyatt with the rest of the crew from the Lost Horizon, and suddenly discovering Shangri-La was not over the next bend, unless of course there’s beer at the end of the Ice Rainbow.

And so without trepidation this band of silly willys set out on a trail set by a banker, who has so little sense that he paddles a kayak across Narragansett Bay in a March gale. The snow was deep. How deep you ask? Well it brought to mind lots of words, if I were Laboradoran Inut, I’d say for ice ‘sikko’, bare ice ‘tingenek’, snow (in general) ‘aput’, snow (like salt) 'pukak ', soft deep snow 'mauja', snowdrift ‘tipvigut', soft snow 'massak ', watery snow ‘mangokpok ', snow filled with water 'massalerauvok ', soft snow ‘akkilokipok’. But I’m not so I just said fuck. It’s too deep, and cold, and why are we out here when we could be in Marks, or Morks?

Well, we had no igloo, nor sense for that matter, so the hare pointed us to the first marks. The trail led us into some thick woods and out to a snow covered (da) sand pit (da), that led us on a not so merry circle-jerk  (da da), crossing the road and along trails through Big River.  It all seemed too familiar, but then again, there ain’t much left in Rhode Island we ain’t hashed on.

The big pines left patches of soft snow underneath, but we traveled on trails packed down from snowmobilers, then rained on, and finally refrozen into a sikko massalerauvok. We slipped and slid and twisted ankles and such until we finally made our way to that swamp. Remember the one where Async had his canoe on the other side and let us ride across like a bunch of Mary’s. Well, today he didn’t bring his canoe, so Oozing started out to the right. First sound was “SPLASH”, as he cracked through the ice into the frigid river. Second sound was “SHIT” as it passed his knees and hit his boys. Dr. WHO tried the right approach, much with the same results. The two were standing waist deep; when I tried to keep upon the clumps of frozen grasses, crashing through to my crotch. It was cold, I’ll say.

WIPOS was thinking the whole thing over, talking with the hare to discover why we had to cross right here, and like a bolt of icicle it hit him. Beer was on the other side. Without hesitation, he dropped to his belly, pushed his cane out in front of him, and slithered to the other side.

We must have looked like a sorry lot, with him on the beer side of the river, and us up to our arses. We’re the wet ones, and he’s havin’ a cold one. It didn’t take much for the rest of us to slither, one by one, to the other side. Well, a few had some doubts. Bondo, looking quite astonished that besides some small cracking of the ice, Dr. WHO crossed over without crashing through. Then late cumers KNO and ERSB7 arrive, and the looks of disbelieve soon left their faces as fear painted a bleak picture across their faces.

The last ones to cross were the three Lascivious Lizards slithering like a cheap B movie. Quiet the sight and sounds. They were making all kind of sounds we usually associate with warmth, beds, and bodily fluids, but they way they wiggled, hmmmmmm. All of us made it over, and we had beer and there was much jubilation. The OnOn was at Mark's, where food, beer and entertainment from the Lounge Lizards made our evening complete.

On On,