Patriots Day Hash

Run #888, April 21, 2003 (18 Safar, 1424)
Hare: Dr WHO
Scribe: Oozing SD
Location: Ft Barton, Tiverton
Weather: Clear, 50’s
Present: Async, Basket Boom Boom, Oozing SD, SESYB, Swallows My Pride, WIPOS, Seamus.

Asalaamu Alaikum
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
Praise be to Allah, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Hash;
Most Gracious, Most Merciful;
Master of the Day of Judgment.
Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek.
Show us the straight way,
The way of those on whom Thou hast bestowed Thy Grace, those whose (portion) is not wrath, and who go not astray.

The Run:

Well, I guess Dr WHO has finally reached that stage of life that we all dread in a Rhode Island hasher. That combination of incompetence, senility and laziness so well exemplified by our more senior statesmen, Basket and Bondo. He unmercifully recycled an old hash of his and others. He even stole some ideas from the wankers of Newport for this run! Desperation! We can only look for more disappointments in the future. Dr WHO will probably try to make Tiverton into another Glendale, Allah forbid!

But everyone gathered anyways, having nothing better to do on Monday nights. Instructions were brief. The hare promised two Beer Checks. He warned of loops and Back Checks. He said something about a Bear check, and a Turkey Trail, but by then we weren’t listening. WIPOS was tightening his armor seals. Async was trying to peer down the front of SMP’s shirt. Basket was trying to get Seamus’s erection to subside before SESYB got too excited herself. I, of course, was reciting the Q’uran after looking at Dr WHO’s bleeding legs. Is it not written that Allah created man from CLOTS OF BLOOD! At 6:30 we were off, running south on Highland Avenue.

As to those who reject Faith, it is the same to them whether thou warn them or do not warn them; they will not believe. Allah hath set a seal on their hearts and on their hearing, and on their eyes is a veil; great is the penalty they (incur).

The hare got cute almost immediately. He set a CB 6.9 at the bottom of a bloody long hill, so Async and I got royally screwed while Basket and WIPOS hang back watching the lazy hare who was walking near the top of the hill. Back up we came and turned right on April Lane, and then into the woods. Async knew almost immediately where he was. He took off to the waterfalls where he used to hide and spy on the teenage couples making out. (This was only last year.) But a check at the falls had him running around in some cow-pastures. The rest started to follow SESYB and SMP who took a long falsie along the stream (the “Sin and Flesh” River) downhill. The hare sure got his money’s worth on that hill, as we were wrong again.

I betake me for refuge to the Lord of the DAY BREAK Against the mischiefs of his creation; And against the mischief of the night when it overtaketh me; And against the mischief of weird women; And against the mischief of the hare when he hasheth.

Finally, WIPOS and Basket headed upstream on a path which gradually disappeared and became replaced by shiggy. Now the hare set trail with flour so close together that you couldn’t miss trail. Whenever a hare does this, he must want to force the hashers along a trail for specific and dastardly reasons. This was confirmed when it became clear that he had laid trail crossing the bloody river about fifteen times. Async, Basket and I were too smart for this. We struggled along the banks, through bushes and briars, though poison ivy and mud, through nests of ticks, ants and spiders. All to keep our shoes dry. The hare went straight though. Half the time, and no scratches.  And with delightful cleansing moisture on his Sinning Flesh. WIPOS got trapped on a log, halfway across the river. He called to warn the others.

O Thou, enwrapped in thy mantle!
Arise and warn!
Thy Lord - magnify Him!
Thy raiment - purify it!
The abomination - flee it!

Finally, being the great hasher that I am, I found true trail crossing the river again at a check onto a path that led back into Ft Barton. Basket soon followed, then Async and the others as the confusion was finally overcome, mostly by my brilliant trail-craft. The FRBs even blew through a false trail mark and rejoined the trail further east, missing a final river crossing by using a bridge. Async was confident, back in familiar territory, and Basket started sneering at the hare’s choice of shiggy. If I had set this trail, I certainly would have spent a little extra time dismantling the bridges. There were far too many!

Allah will throw back their mockery on them, and give them rope in their trespasses; so they will wander like blind ones (To and fro).
These are they who have bartered Guidance for error: But their traffic is profitless, and they have lost true direction.

The trail curved northward with little of note except some drying mud. We were bunched together when we came to the choice of crossing the river again, or following trail off the path towards a large white figure. It soon became apparent that this was a mountain goat. You don’t see this sort of thing every day in Glendale! It seemed we were on some sort of target range. I quickly demonstrated my valor by climbing into a tree-house blind and having a bit of a wank. The rest milled around, playing with various targets on the little-used trails. WIPOS and Async found true trail, which led to the first Beer (Bear) Check. The beer was hidden behind a 5’ standing replica of a black bear. Basket meanwhile, was on the wrong side of the river yet again. He was called to repeatedly, as well as being warned by the hare. He ignored all.

[His] similitude is that of a man who kindled a fire; when it lighted all around him, Allah took away [his] light and left [him] in utter darkness. So [he] could not see.
Deaf, dumb, and blind, [he[ will not return (to the path).

But he finally heeded the calls, and returned to the trail. He loudly worked his way back following trail to the rest of us who were enjoying the respite at the beer check.

For when there shall be a trump on the trumpet,
That shall be a distressful day,
A day, to the Infidels, devoid of ease.

The beer check was remarkable for the fine quality of the beer (a Nut Brown Ale), and the amusing reactions of Seamus to a mountain lion statue, as well as to SESYB when she attempted to animate the bear in Seamus’s direction (and only succeeded in decimating the bear). When we had had enough, the hare directed us to a “T” in the trail crossing another bridge. He warned of the Turkey trail without specifying what it meant. Naturally, I effortlessly led the hash to a giant plastic turkey in the woods, yet another target. The flour marks reversed themselves here. This fact was not noted until Async, SMP and I had made considerable progress into some excellent briars, but we turned around reluctantly to join the rest. We made our way parallel to the river, ignoring a few shallow attempts on the part of the hare to direct us back across the river again. The path was reached and trail became straightforward for a while. Async led. WIPOS was in the rear.

O ye who believe! Take your precautions, and either go forth in parties or go forth all together.
There are certainly among you hashers who would tarry behind: If a misfortune befalls you, they say: "(Allah) did favour us in that we were not present among them."

We ran over some hills and I easily mastered some checks with my superior intellect. At a fork with a prominent check, Async went straight while I knew the true path to beer lay to the left. My cries of  “ON ON!” were a brilliant beacon to the others. They came like sheep to my calls, except Async who blew through another false mark and came to the second beer check backwards. We gathered at the beer check atop a rocky hill, with lovely forest views and gentle breezes in the waning sunlight. The beer was a nice ESB, a good counterpoint to the darker beer earlier in the run. The group began to mellow. Perhaps it was the general loveliness of the setting. Or perhaps the effect of two gallons of beer in as many miles.

And We shall remove from their hearts any lurking sense of injury;- behind them will be rivers flowing;- and they shall say: "Praise be to Allah, who hath guided us to this (felicity): never could we have found guidance, had it not been for the guidance of Oozing. indeed it was the truth, that the hare of our Lord brought unto us." And they shall hear the cry: "Behold! the beer before you! Ye have been made its inheritors, for your deeds (of righteousness)."

Beer finished, the trail out was followed back with only slight confusion at two rather large loops. They were no challenge to me of course. Just a few of the others got off track for a while. We came out of the woods up a long staircase that led to the observation tower.  Up the tower we went, and waited for the hare to bring more beer up. We circled having scared away several people who had come to watch the sunset.

[Although one fellow on a cell-phone didn’t seem to be at all bothered by us and stayed up there talking to someone well into the ceremonies. He only left when told that if he stayed, he would have to rate the run and he would probably see Basket’s ring.]

Between them shall be a veil, and on the heights will be men who would know every one by his marks: they will call out to the Companions of the Hash, "peace on you": they will not have entered, but they will have an assurance (thereof).

The run received fine ratings as the sun set over the Sakonnet River and the Narragansett Bay. And it was a fine run, although not one of my “seventy-virgin” Paradise runs. A total of +6.9 was given, and the hare submitted to Allah’s judgement with another one of his strange and bizarre songs. Async was hashit, for being a backsliding, front-running, short-cutting infidel swine. Basket having talked Seamus up the tower, found that the poor hound didn’t much like the idea of going back down.  The hare and the others laughed heartily. Basket thought about calling for a hook and ladder. Finally, I stepped in to save the day again, and using my mysterious animal magnetism, talked the beast down.

Seest thou not how thy Lord dealt with the Companions of the Elephant?
Did He not make their treacherous plan go astray?

Off we went for pizza and beer at the Li’l Bear (Beer) Lounge. For $10 we enjoyed pizza and Bass Ale as the evening drew to a happy and contented conclusion. All were fulsome in their praises to the hare (and me) for the evening. All vowed never to miss another Tiverton hash (unless for some reason, I could not make it). I say: Allah, Subhanahu wa Ta'aala! Hash of the Decade!

Verily We have granted thee a manifest Victory:
That Allah may forgive thee thy faults of the past and those to follow; fulfil His favour to thee; and guide thee on the Straight Way;
And that Allah may help thee with powerful help.
It is He Who sent down tranquillity into the hearts of the Hashers, that they may add faith to their faith;- for to Allah belong the Forces of the heavens and the earth; and Allah is Full of Knowledge and Wisdom;-
That He may admit the men and women who believe, to Hashes beneath which rivers flow, to dwell therein for aye, and remove their ills from them;- and that is, in the sight of Allah, the highest achievement (for man),- the Hash.

On On

Oozing bin Syphilitic Dicktaphone