Independence From Quality Hash

Run #951, July 5, 2004

Hare: Oozing Syphilitic Dick-ta-phone

Location: 5.5 miles… no, 5.5 minutes… no, somewhere west past Grassy Pond Road on Rt 138, Hopkinton

Weather: Clear, 70’s

Present: Tinker, Dr WHO, Fuwangi, Basket, Snotty, SESYB, Seamus.

The Run:

Independence Day. A day for family and friends. A day of parades and fireworks, of hotdogs and ice cream. A day to celebrate the freedoms of our country for which so many have fought and died over the last 229 years. The right to Free Speech. The Right to Bear Arms. The Right to own Private Property. The hash has had some memorable excursions for Independence Day in the past. This day was not to be one of them.

Typically for the hare, ambiguous directions led to the gathering of the hashers at a point distant from the hare’s intended start. (Perhaps he thinks a mile is 5/8ths of a kilometer.) At any rate, he eventually sent SESYB back along 138 to the group who were gathered across the street from Grassy Pond, and brought them to the start, almost a mile northeast, on what appeared to be some Private Property at the confluence of several driveways on the left side of the road. It was time almost immediately, and without WIPOS to slow everyone while he got changed, they were off at 6:30.

Trail started across the road, with a brief and childish attempt at sending hashers into Private Property. But it soon turned northwest on the Tippecansett Trail, a well marked and smoothly graded path. Fuwangi, WHO and Basket traded the lead as they continued past several checks with falsies leading to more “Private Property” signs. The trail was packed and dusty. Tinker and SESYB held back to be together. Snotty and Seamus held back to be together.

Finally, a check turned east. A “Private Property” sign was ignored as trail led on, trampling on the rights of the property owner. But it was not long before they came out on the Dye Hill Trail and the hashers were back on public land. Phew! Trail turned southeast, and widened into a formal dirt road. “Private Property” signs were seen in the shiggy on both sides of the road. But no more violations were to occur. And no shiggy was to be encountered. After about a mile of most unexceptional terrain, the trail turned back southwest on Grassy Pond Road (also dirt) to 138. Snotty used this opportunity to begin his training for a running r*ce he had entered, and began to sprint. This led to Basket goading Fuwangi to challenge, and there was more running than hashing going on shortly. What un-hashmanlike behavior! Shame, Shame! Running on trail! Hashit!

By now, everyone realized: a) the trail would be exceptionally dull, b) there would be no shiggy, c) no one was about to get lost, d) “Private Property” has deep, almost sacred meaning in Pakistan, and e) the hare was a wank! But one hope lay ahead, keeping them going, with dry, tortured feet and flagging spirits. Beer! And so they crossed 138 and ran the hot asphalt, yearningly glancing at the cool waters of Grassy Pond to their left. But that was Private Property, so they continued past the pond.

A left turn (west) led back into the woods. Here at least, some deer flies came out to keep them company. But again, to stray off trail would have violated the Camp Yawgoog “Private Property” signs. So on they went turning more north until they came upon the BC, an undistinguished segment of the undistinguished trail, marked only by the junction point with the Tippecansett trail. Natural features included a three inch rock disturbing the otherwise smooth packed-dirt surface of the path. Small perhaps, but it was enough to sprain Snotty’s ankle.  So God punishes those who would hash AND r*ce!

Beer was broached, only Tinker and SESYB missing. But even they finally arrived with some story of scouting trail to the south and west while waiting for the others to arrive. Sure, a brief trip to Dinosaur Rock. They didn’t even cross some Private Property. Right! But all had a beer or two, swatting flies and hoping that there would be some real trail ahead. It was not to be.

On In was northwest on the Tippecansett Trail, through some woods, past some houses and to the cars. The parking area was not Private Property at all! WHO tried to encourage a circle on some property that was clearly private in a field next to the cars, but it was decided to circle on public right-of-way in the trail partly hidden from the road and the houses. So the cooler was brought out and the circle joined.

Ratings for the run were horrendous, and for obvious reasons. A dry run, competition on trail, no shiggy, no one lost, good weather, too much pavement and road, etc., etc. But, the hare was a last minute stand-in. Bondo didn’t show up. There were some flies. Total: -0.69. Hashit obviously belonged to Snotty, but the voting took a shift based upon incessant whining, and it went to Basket. Finally, the circle ended, and they packed up and headed for exit 6 (not 6A) and Marks where the Property is always Public (or at least the malt vinegar is), hashers are welcomed and singing is encouraged.

On On