Mad as a March Hare Hash
Run #990, March 28, 2005
Hare: Dry Foot Fairy
Location: Scituate, from a Methodist Church at the Western border of Cranston.
Weather: Low 40’s, pouring rain.
Present: Async, Dr WHO, Basket Boom Boom, Oozing SD, SESYB, Fuwangi Boner, Seamus.
The Run:
For the hare’s second effort at setting trail, the conditions could not have been better. Rain had been falling continuously since the early morning. It was intermittently easing to “slow-wiper” speed, but mostly, it was deluge-quality with overflowing culverts and sewers, and road washouts. As the first arrivals gathered, the hare whined about the weather, explaining that he had pre-laid the day before. No checking the Weather Channel for this rocket scientist! At any rate, he gave some instructions. He promised three (!) beer checks. He promised trail set with flour (Ha!) and yellow Marshmallow “Peeps” (bunnies, not chicks, in honor of Easter). He took off a few minutes early to re-set.
Ten minutes head start was given. But, Fuwangi arrived, so it was cut short and they all took off in an effort to lose him. The trail at first consisted of vague instructions given to Basket and WHO. They were to head south on Seven Mile Road for about a quarter-mile, then turn right into a field. Right! Seven Mile Road consisted of flowing rivers of rainwater and nothing but fields. (And calling them fields instead of ponds, swamps, or puddles is mere convention, not reality.) Amazingly, SESYB saw marks (and promptly ate one of them). She turned into a driveway west. Who followed in the adjoining field (pool). The Cranberry Brook was encountered. It was indistinguishable from the field (mire). Basket stayed back at the street, waiting for Fuwangi, who had heard none of the instructions.
Trail was followed west over the Cranberry Brook to a check at the edge of a field (fen). This was quickly dispatched and after traversing a field (morass) southward, a second check led into the woods (slime) proper. Async and Oozing led slightly uphill to the first Beer Check and the waiting hare. Two 24 oz bottles of Smutty-Nose Barleywine were opened. The group doused their lights and dispersed in the woods (ooze) to hide from Basket and Fuwangi. It proved unnecessary. Basket and Fuwangi were wandering around, hand-in-hand, through the Curran Management Area across the street. A small quantity of beer was left behind, just in case.
The group gave the hare his second head start, then followed uphill and west. The trail was more of a streambed by this time with the pouring rain forming a torrent on both sides of the path (brook). Marks were mostly Peeps for the leaders, and half-Peeps for those in the rear (SESYB was in the middle). Another check was encountered towards the top of the hill, and they turned southwest. Async and Oozing led easily with little difficulty following fresh flour. A check turned them south, and they could see a lake through the woods on the right. They thought it was just another field. Dr WHO found marks leading off into the woods, and they were soon bushwhacking (splashing) parallel to the body of water. The marks were on the trees, and the rain was rapidly washing them away. Nonetheless, between them they were able to follow along until they returned to paths (rivulets), and made a clockwise loop away from and back to the pond. It was well lit, and turned out to be a filtration plant for the Scituate Reservoir. Beer Check number two was uncovered, under a tree-stand for deer poachers.
Beer was IPA and Stout in two insulated containers. Pickled red chili peppers were served. Perfect to go with Peeps! There was great rejoicing, especially when Oozing tried to climb the tree-stand, and nearly broke his neck. A few attempts were made to call Basket and Fuwangi. No one tried real hard. After stopping a while to further contaminate the Providence water supply, the hare took off again for his last head start. After some debate, it was decided not to leave any beer, this time. The half-empty containers looked like they would be excellent flotation devices.
Trail out led to the pond and crossed one of the residue fields (quagmires) to re-enter the woods, heading northeast. The path was straightforward. But it became progressively swampier. The hashers were together as they snaked around in the woods, but the distances between them widened slightly as the going got easier. They finally emerged at the downhill slope of a farm field (lake). Async led to the hare’s light, seen on the eastern boundary of the field (bog). Thorns along the way caught SESYB, who squealed. A patch of residual ice caught Dr WHO, who fell, spun around, slid down the hill into a puddle, and then squealed. The third Beer Check was attained. It was pouring. No Basket. No Fuwangi. Hashing doesn’t get much better than this.
After a quick beer, they packed up, and headed across the field (watte) northeast back to Seven Mile Road. Trail was unmarked, and the hare accompanied them this time. They easily made it back to the cars, running (swimming) north along Seven Mile Road (which by this time, might as well have been the Seven Mile River). They changed, mostly in their cars. But Oozing felt it necessary to flash his shriveled and sodden assets at the adjoining church, being Easter and all. He stripped in front of his headlights. This horrible sight, a nightmarish beacon visible for miles, was probably responsible for the return of Basket and Fuwangi. [They arrived with a tale of woe and lost trail on Route 116. No one cared or believed them. They were awfully dry. There was a nearby motel. But I digress.] It also had the unfortunate effect of rousing the Methodist pastor. He came up to see what was going on.
The pastor was relieved to find only a few old men, one young woman, a St Bernard and a probable Pakistani terrorist standing with no apparent purpose in the pouring rain. In Easter week, people are so trusting. After learning that they had come to run in the woods (muck), he described himself modestly as a runner. He seemed like too nice a man to try to recruit. After a brief chat, he offered the use of his parking lot any time in the future. Nice, but not too bright. He also made recommendations for a nearby restaurant for the On On On: Bill’s Place in Phenixville, West Warwick. As the pastor drove off, it was decided to give it a try. They were alone now, so they felt safe circling in the field adjacent to the parking lot.
The circle was joined. Ratings for the run: weather, three BC’s, loss of two, peeps and peppers: Run of The Year +69! Hashit: Basket, Duh! After religion, they drove down to Phenixville to Bill’s. It was a good choice, apart from the draught beer: Killian’s Red. But the food wasn’t bad, and the tab was agreeable at $15 per. As the evening ended, they finished up quietly and drove off. But the hare made a secret stop. Addicted to Newport Lights since Run #986, he started looking for a place out of the rain. He had an inspiration, and stopped and lit up in an abandoned Mill on Main Street.* The rest made it home uneventfully.
On On
Dr WHO
*For further details, see:
Investigators say the March 29th blaze is of suspicious origin because the mill was vacant and the electricity had been shut off.
11:34 AM EST on Thursday, March 31, 2005, Providence Journal
BY ALICE GOMSTYN and DANIEL BARBARISI
Journal Staff Writers