Suckatunkanuc Hash
or the Bondo Should Have A Colonoscopy EVERY Monday! Hash

Run #991, April 4, 2005

Hare:  Basket Boom Boom

Location:  BJ’s on Route 6A, Johnston.

Weather:  Low 40’s.

Present:  Dry Foot Fairy, Dr WHO, Async, Oozing SD, SESYB, Seamus. Virgin: Just Todd.

The Run:

“Life is much like the intestinum crassum (Colon): what you get out of it depends upon what you put into it.”  Galen, ca. 190 A.D.

“I have found that since that damned mountebank Boswell forced his evil concoctions and ales upon me, my constitution has wither’d, my pallor has ris’n and my colon has become nigh uncontrolled.” Samuel Johnson, Mar, 1759A.D.

“Colonoscopy is fun!” Bondo Jovi, April 4, 2005 A.D.

The run this evening was inspired by the fact that most knew that Bondo Jovi had scheduled a colonoscopy for himself earlier in the day and was thus likely to be absent. The hare showed unusual creativity in designing a trail that reproduced the experience of colonoscopy for the pack as nearly as possible. Your scribe has attempted to recreate this experience for the reader also. So bend over, here it comes!

Intestinum Caecum: “…the commencement of the large intestine, … receives the succus entericus in liquid form from the terminal ileum.”
The pack started promptly from the back of the large parking area at BJ’s. Trail led west over a fence, and proceeded down hill immediately into pools of mud. A large earth pile was circled and they came out with WHO and Async leading the virgin to Rt 5 and turning south, under Rt 6.

Colon Ascendens: “…passes cranialward steeply upward to the caudal surface of the right lobe of the liver…commences the absorption of water from the effluent.”
A check led west again, this time crossing Rt 5 and ascending the steep embankment just south of the Home Depot.  Up the scree they went, finding muddy paths a nd a check at top. WHO found trail continuing straight west on newly bulldozed path crossing Suckatunkanuc Hill. A left turn fooled him, and Dry Footand Async passed and came out on the powerlines and a check. This had them stymied for a while. Oozing tried the powerlines east and uphill, drawn by the romance and majesty of Sutamachute Hill. Async and Dry Foot followed the lines west to where they crossed 295. WHO and SESYB stood waiting for someone to find trail. Just Todd was proving to be nobody’s fool. He was sticking with the hare. Finally, Async picked up the scent heading into a bushwhack south paralleling 295 to Central Pike. They climbed over a short fence, and turned right under 295, heading west to a check.

Colon Transversum: “…crosses the upper part of the coelum from right to left…moving the now paste-like contents into the left side.”
Between the fence, the check and the poor markings, the group all came together on true trail, running slightly west of true north on the powerlines. There were paths at three levels, allowing the hare to confuse those who chose to shortcut, and to provide major thornage to those who chose to follow flour. But only so much can be made of powerline trails. Thus, it was inevitable that the long traverse would be broken up by the first Beer Check, at a prominence overlooking the 6/295 interchange. The group opened the beer (left-over, old, flat Trinity Brown ale). Songs were sung. They watched a muffler sitting in the right lane of the highway below, until it was most satisfactorily encountered by a BMW with insufficient undercarriage clearance. Fireworks over, trail was continued, branching slightly to the west and away from 295.

Colon Descendens: “…descends down the left side to the left iliac fossa…beginning to process the now solidifying stool into discrete agglutinations.”
After about a half mile northwest on a wooded path notable only for near continuous mud, and some thorns, a check led check west. Most followed Dry Foot and WHO, but in the rear, the hare and Just Todd shortcutted right onto Hartford Avenue (Rt 6). The trail led to the rear of Yankee Scaffolding (?). Snow plowed to the back of the lot remained. Snowballs were made so as to properly greet the hare. But Async had seen the short-cutting wankers split off, so after a brief but spirited exchange mostly aimed at Oozing, they resumed east on 6. Descending back on the road, the hare was sighted by Async, enabling him to lead Dr WHO off trail to the second Beer Check at a lightly wooded hill between the on-ramp to 295 and Rt 6/6A.

Colon Sigmoideum: “…follows a tortuous “S”-shaped path into the pelvis…provides the muscular force to propel the solid boluses into the rectum.”
Dry Foot missed this, and continued on trail on a brief and unnecessary loop into the power switching station. Oozing and SESYB, trysting yet again in the woods (and thus delayed by 35 seconds), brought up the rear, aided by the flashlights which had finally been switched on in the dark. All present, some more beer of questionable character and age was sampled. A few songs were again sung, in an effort to ensure that the virgin would not return, ever. Finally, they left, circling around the brush atop the hill, and choosing various routes down the steep hill to Rt 6/6A.

Intestinum Rectum: “…a capacious vault for storage until the appropriate time for defecation.”
Trail led south of east on Rt 6A. Boring and straight, it led per the hare’s instructions to the Amazing Video Store, where the hare’s truck was parked, and where they formed a circle in the large open marsh adjacent to the parking lot. Ratings for the run: some shiggy, presence of virgin, no Bondo, 2 Beer Checks weighed in against: reused WIPOS trail, pavement, unhash-like weather. Total +0.69. The virgin was initiated, and told a joke. Hashit was given to Dr WHO for performing a colonoscopy on Bondo without painful complications. The circle was completed (much to the relief of the patrons of Amazing Video. It’s hard enough to sneak into an adult video store without having to hear strange songs coming out of the marsh adjacent to your car!) The lazy wankers piled into the hare’s truck, while WHO and Dry Foot, preferring the fresh air to the odor emanating from that vehicle, ran back to the parking lot at BJ’s.

Pars Analis Recti: “…the complex muscular canal providing sensory and muscular control for the elimination of fecal matter.”
The On On On was west on Rt 6 at the Bishop Hill Tavern. Bondo’s colonoscopy specimens were produced, songs were sung and beer and food consumed and played with. The top of the pepper shaker unaccountable ended up in various beers. Moist napkin missiles returned. The waitress became progressively less amused. The evening was declared a success.

Appendicus (Processus Vermiformis): “…a part, similar to this write-up, of no use whatsoever.”

On On