“All were satisfied, basking in the afterglow of the ideal virgin hash.” (Dr. WHO Slasher, #770)

“A brilliantly conceived run...” (Dr. WHO, #910, Ratings: +69!)

“...the masterfully marked trail...” (Dr. WHO, #919, Ratings: +0.69)

“Of course, the hare had set a brilliant run. ...it would have been a perfect 10, but the hare had to settle...” (Dr. WHO, #933, Ratings: 0.69)

“Another brilliant effort by the bad Doctor.” (Dr. WHO, #937, Total: 6.9!)

“The outstanding hare once again set trail with yet another candidate for Run-Of-The-Year... Just another jewel in the crowning achievements of this hare’s efforts! ...Ratings were not necessarily all that high numerically, because no one wanted to embarrass the hare. ...[the other pathetic wankers were] wracking their brains to think of ways to imitate (but never presume to equal) the outstanding trail...” (Dr. WHO, #948, Total: 0.69!)

“A run so brilliant that even in summary, it shines out as the Run of the Year!” (Dr. WHO, #958, Total: +0.69)

“Run of the Year! ...It just doesn’t get any better than this.” (Dr. WHO, #964, Total: +6.9!)

“The RIH3 was blessed with yet another outstanding run...” (Dr. WHO, #973)

“An incredible virgin run, as expected... BRILLIANT! ...FANTASTIC! ...UNBELIEVABLE! ...MAGNIFICENT!” (Dr. WHO, #983, Total: 6.9!)

Incredibly, with such praise no superlative could come close to adequately describe the hare’s efforts, and no negative ratings on top of that! The liberal use of the word “virgin” combined with a plethora of other sexual innuendoes got the Scribe so excited that he would no doubt cum early... to the hash. Well, that's still to be determined. At the very least, the Scribe will switch political parties and register as a Libertine.

And then the Scribe discovered the write-ups for the hare that Dr. WHO DID NOT author. Here’s the synopsis:

“...Upon my late father's indubitable assassination in 1999, I and my two sisters Mabooty and Matwatty were forced to flee our assurient homeland and proceed to nearby BONDOLAND.” [It’s obvious this write-up was authored by a schizophrenic lunatic, as this hash was nothing short of a torrent of inescapable horror. Oh, the horror! The horror!!] (Oozing SD, #896, +69!)

“Well, I guess Dr. WHO has finally reached that stage of life that we all dread in a Rhode Island hasher. That combination of incompetence, senility and laziness...” (Oozing SD, #888, +6.9)

"Crimes, real and imagined, were identified and the innocent punished.” (Async, #871)

“We were sure to have shiggy, something we long for in Rhode Island, but we have been sorely disappointed about lately.” (Ever Ready, #863)

“...f*ckin’ moronic, f*ckin’ annoying son of a f*ckin’ b*tch.” (The Raging Queen of Beers, #855, +0.69)

“...he was a little disappointed in the lack of rain, to feed the shiggy pits, we thought to ourselves, ‘excuses already; this run would certainly be in the shits.’” (Basket Boom Boom, #846)

“Anyways, Dr WHO would never lie or exaggerate. So this account is guaranteed to be completely accurate.” [Obvious cynicism] “Ratings were of course outstanding: even with no bimbos, the group was effusive. “Well done, indeed!” said Async. “Bravo!” said Oozing... At least this is how Dr WHO described it to me.” [So WHO authored this write-up? Further investigation is warranted.] (WIPOS, #840)

“A good time had by all, and the hash was as good as any I have set!!” [It was April Fool’s Day, so it’s obvious this hash totally sucked.] (MrsEnemaBill aka PW, #831)

“On on, on on through these tick infested, pricker infested woods, tree branches cracked, Dr Who falling only to be caught by WIPOS - WIPOS was smiling especially bright after "catching" Dr Who in the rear!” (Ever Ready, #824, -6.9)

“The night seemed to be a wash, the crying, the whining all the way to the onon...” (Ever Ready, #811)

“The perfect hash became the flashpoint for the RIH3 transition into the RI Search and Rescue squad... A watershed day for the RIH3, the first time a hasher had become completely lost, and couldn’t be found anywhere near the trail... [RIH3 is] now responsible for a $3,146 bill for Search and Rescue services.” (PW, #802)

“If only the RIH3 knew beforehand what a shitty run this was going to be...” (Oozing, #795, 6.9)

“...Yours truly ventured off onto the trail ...and in exasperation off trail and discovered what potential this run could have had: more shiggy, briars, briars and did I say briars?” (Oozing, #786)

“The hare knew this and so expected a small turn out and so he bribed various family members with a free colonoscopy if they came to the run...” [It seems professionalism is, in fact, allowed in hashing. Pathetic, but I digress.] (Oozing, 778)

After a perplexed reading of the above excerpts, the Scribe cannot possibly know what to expect from this mad Doctor WHO prowls into and up anal cavities (homage to shiggy and a love for haggis, no doubt). And given the factual statements offered above (which would be bullet-proof testimony in any court of law), the Scribe wonders if he should hash ever again. But the good (sane) Scribe digresses.

Given that the Scribe could only find one, ONE, ONE negative rating for all Dr. WHO’s runs, the Scribe has concluded that RIH3 has been hijacked by some satanic cult lead by this maniac called Dr. WHO. And the other hashers are locked into a form of Stockholm syndrome, even the renowned psychiatrist Dr. Oozing, as they rave and worship this Dr. WHO. Therefore, the Scribe has no option but to preemptively rate Dr. WHO's up-cuming hash to be a –69,000.69 just to restore meaning to this pathetic group of wankers that calls itself RIH3.

On On

Dry Foot Fairy