A Virgin Lay in Arcadia Hash
Run #1019, October 10, 2005
Hare: Great at Giving Head
Location: West Greenwich, Arcadia Management Area
Weather: Cool, 50’s, nice and wet
Present: Async, Oozing, Dry Foot Fairy, Dr WHO, Amish It Head, Tinker, Basket, Just Jim (Groton). Virgins: Just Jeff (Groton) and Just David. Visitor: Gator Hater (South Florida area hashes).
Prelube:
There is something synonymous with the word “hashing” and the word “underachievement.” This week’s hare Great at Giving Head (G@GH) surely knew this, as the following would
suggest:
Date: Sunday, 12:45 p.m. (day before the hash)
From: Basket
To: Dry Foot Fairy
Subject: G at GH Direction
When ‘Head Hunter” (possible RI name for our virgin hare) sends directions to you, remind him that flour on the sides of trees/telephone poles/etc will usually hold up during rain storms. This may reduce the ‘it wasn’t my fault, the rain washed out my marks – Bondo excuse #34’
OnOn
Basket Boom Boom
Date: Sunday, 6:48 p.m. (less than 24 hours before the hash)
From: Dry Foot Fairy
To: G@GH
Subject: None
Hey G@GH,
Um, any word on where the hash will be? And Basket says to use trees and telephone poles to mark flour, if you don't want them all to wash away in the rain.
On-on,
Dry Foot.
Date: Sunday, 10:30 p.m. (nearing panic time)
From: Dry Foot Fairy
To: Amish It Head
Subject: Where’s G@GH?
Hey Amish,
Any word from G@GH? As of 10:30 p.m. Sunday, still no directions to the hash. Let me know if you know anything.
On-on,
Dry Foot.
Date: Monday, 12:00 a.m. (too late for panic time)
From: Amish It Head
To: Dry Foot Fairy
Subject: RE: Where’s G@GH?
That jackass didn't get back from a wedding in NY until early this AM. I yelled at him to get you directions tonight - I think he was going to head out and get mileage readings.
Amish
Date: Monday, 12:14 a.m. (everyone’s in bed)
From: G@GH
To: Dry Foot Fairy
Subject: RE: None
Dry Foot,
I just had to make you guys sweat a little bit…[the rest deleted, as it was just directions]
…On-on,
G@GH
The Run:
Not since Oozing became Oozing did any virgin hare show so much promise and potential. Brilliant! The usual gathering congregated at the parking lot at the JB Hudson Trail Head off Ten Rod Rd. (Rt. 165), which is 2.4 miles or 5 miles west of I-95, depending on your information source. Two Joes from Groton arrived, apparently friends of the hare, who were not really Joes, but Just Jim and Virgin Jeff. No bimbos arrived, including the reliable Trail Hoover for the second week in a row, but at least there was a virgin keep everyone amused.
A quick check which must have consumed a pound of flour, and true trail headed north along the JBH Trail. At the second check, Dry Foot checked west, WHO checked east, and Async went north. Dry Foot brought Amish, Virgin Jeff, and Just Jim in tow to a long falsie, evident by the “YBF” consuming yet another pound of flour. Demoralized, the foursome found true trail continuing northeast with Async as the FRB with Basket close on his heels.
Another check was reached near Breakheart Pond, and this was where Basket outsmarted himself and thought the beer would be next to the pond. Only Tinker was foolish enough to follow him this time. Async only needed to be fooled once (See Hash #994) before he would never search for trail near Breakheart Pond again. Dr. WHO, Oozing, and Async took turns leading the pack along the banks of the creek, overflowing from the excessive rainfall. Once again, the question was not “if” but “when” they would have to cross the stream.
Trail seemed to continue forever heading south and downstream in what amounted to be quality shiggy given the deteriorated weather conditions. By the time trail had to cross the stream, the Groton Boys (Just Jeff and Just Jim) stood scratching their heads with Amish trying to convince them that they’d have to get their feet wet. Dry Foot arrived with no such patience and led the trio through the deep end. Frosty Hollow Rd was soon reached and the hare’s truck was parked in an empty lot with savory beer, chips, salsa, cheese, and grapes. A beer check good enough for a king! It was only fitting that Basket and Tinker were still missing.
As usual, all good things must come to an end. The lost ones arrived, but to a darkened and beerless check. It did not take long for Basket to find the beer cooler, despite Oozing’s best efforts to hide it (did I mention underachievement?) and thus ending the otherwise brilliant beer check. And then a flashlight was seen bobbing down the road. Who could it be? Not WHO, but a visiting Gator Hater from various south Florida hashes. As it seems, not everyone in Florida wanted to stick around for the hurricane season. And he brought yet another virgin with him, Virgin David. As it turned out Gator Hater and Just David just finished the Appalachian Trail, quite literally. [This called for overachievement and an obvious hashit if you ask me, but I digress]
After the beer check, the trail led south along Frosty Hollow Rd, then east along Ten Rod Rd. and back to the cars at the JBH trail head parking lot. Much celebration was to be had, and they had it all. Comments on the run included, but not limited to: TWO virgins! A visitor! No bimbos (but that’s a bad thing)! No dogs (but that’s a good thing, especially the lack of Ben)! No Bondo (the best thing)! Total: +6.9! Hashit went to Async for arriving in his suit, even on an bank holiday!
Naturally, the motley cru went to Marks off exit 6 not 6A. Upon arrival, the waitress pleaded that the singing and antics be kept to a minimum, as respectable patrons were trying to enjoy the Monday Night Football as well as the MLB playoffs. Yeah, like that lasted. Many enjoyed the savory scallop rolls, but not all (when will they learn?). And with that…. NO! That was not all.
In the hare’s words…
So RI state’s finest decided to have a little check point on Rt. 165 tonight. Funny thing – they didn’t like the 50+ beer bottles that were rolling around loose in the bed of the ol’ Dodge. As a matter of fact, I believe the first thing officer #1 said to me was, “Why are there 50 bottles of Sam Adams rolling around in your bed?” I think the second thing they said was, “Get out of the truck, put your hands on the tailgate and spread your legs. How much have you had to drink tonight?” I said, “More than a few. (which means about a dozen in Jeremy speak)” “Where are you coming from?” I said, “Mark’s.” Which the Man instantly recognized and interestingly enough seemed to approve of. As officer #1 squeezed my gonads, checked my pockets, searched my waist band, and inspected the insides of my shoes (after relieving me of my Benchmade), I explained I was leading a running club tonight that follows a trail, has a “few” beers, then goes to a bar for dinner. The million-dollar question of the night came from officer #2, who was searching my cab as officer #1 played with my balls. “What are you doing with all this flour?” It was all I could do to keep a straight face and explain the truth. I think they actually bought it. They decided to let me go then, but after I drove a mile, I realize officer #1 is still holding my Benchmade knife, which is worth more than his life, so I turn my rig around and go back for more. Upon arrival at the check point, they were more interested in their next victim, and as I approached #1 came towards me, handed my knife over, and then I got the fuck out of there. On-On!!!
And with that!
On On
Dry Foot Fairy
(50th Hash with RIH3. Pathetic!)