The Year’s Most Annoying Hash (to date…)

Run #1055, June 19, 2006

Hare:  WIPOS

Location:  East Providence/Seekonk

Weather:  Clear, Low 80’s

Present:  Dr W.H.O., Basket Boom Boom, Bondo Jovi, Amish It Head, Dry Foot Fairy, Mrs. WIPOS, Seamus, Ben.

 

The Run:

WIPOS trails are unique. He is no stranger to swamps. (Run #1001.) In his usual garb, he is impervious to briars, thorns and poison ivy; he does not hesitate to incorporate these elements into his runs. (Run #812.) He also enjoys long and meaningless false trails. (Run #772.) He is fond of idiosyncratic marking schemes. (Run #880.) He sees no particular virtue in using virgin territory. (See all WIPOS Runs!) And he is not worried about overuse of asphalt. (Run #884.) In fact the one common result of a WIPOS run is that it is sure to Annoy. Greatly. With a capital “A”. This run was no exception.

The trail started from the ballfields on Rt. 114 in East Providence (See Runs #922, #812). The few arrivals looked hopefully at each car pulling into the lot. But there was a softball game starting, and only five hashers were present. The hare’s car was empty, and after Bondo broke in and no beer was found, the group reluctantly acknowledged that it was 6:30. Fluorescent green squares stapled to trees were apparently the mark of choice. Led by Basket , they turned into the woods. Immediately, they bushwhacked through a swamp. Bondo decided to forgo this and walked around the perimeter of the fields. He was soon joined by Basket as trail came back out. A worthless loop! Tell me that’s not annoying!

Circling the edge of the fields counterclockwise to the north, they eventually turned back in and headed generally east. More swamp was encountered. Now the swamp was interspersed with briars, and what could be the largest and most profuse growth of poison ivy in the state of Rhode Island. Dry Foot and WHO found the first stream crossing, and they led through the waist high Ten Mile River. Basket and Amish followed. Bondo took one look, and turned back. Things were looking up. But, he left his dog with the hashers. Annoying moment #2!

The trail led through a maze of semi-paths, briars and more poison ivy, before crossing the river again. WHO and Amish found the opportunity to cross a third and fourth time on a falsie. Basket’s horn remained ahead, and Dry Foot wisely chose the poison ivy trail heading east. Finally, they all came out together to find the hare, in a clearing just south of Hunt’s Mill. With all the recent rain, the Ten Mile River had transformed into the Ten Mile Cataract at this spot. The point chosen for crossing was clearly impassable. But the hare called the group south with his horn, and then led the way across at a small island which shallowed and split the torrent. WHO followed and was directed south along the stream on a path that led out to the streets. Ben required restraint. Especially when trail led across the busy Rt. 44. That’s pretty annoying, too (although you can’t blame the hare completely).

On the opposite side of 44, Amish found trail continuing south on Lynn Street. The group lost marks briefly. The hare called them back to a well-hidden mark turning them right, and through a vegetable garden into a marsh with a prolonged stand of phragmites. There was no path. Only occasionally was a fluorescent green square found, precariously attached to a cattail. Basket tried his own route. He could not be seen. But he could be tracked both by sound and smell. No quicksand was encountered, and for the first time there was no poison ivy. And the water never got above mid-shin. Luxury! But all good things must end. They came to a cobblestone quarry. The loosely piled stones offered the (futile) hope that Ben or Basket would get buried alive in an avalanche. Dry Foot, WHO and the hare wisely entered the quarry and walked to the next mark while Basket and Amish struggled along at the edge of the massive loose stone pile. Trail was recovered, and turned east. They emerged on Rt 114A at the Massage Parlor. The hare had made no advance arrangements. All were annoyed.

WHO led south on 114A. He knew what was next (See Run #811.): the little known Nature Preserve opposite Tort’s. Sure enough, the irritating fluorescent green squares led into the preserve. Now this preserve has some lovely paths, a pond, a small stream. It is quite idyllic. But there is one area. An obscure central swamp, choked with briars and poison ivy. Guess where trail led. WHO should know better than to follow trail here! After all, there’s only a few ways out of this preserve. But, hoping against hope that beer was near, they continued southwest into the muck. Emerging briefly into some fields, they skirted the edge of a horse paddock, and climbed down, back into shiggy. Finally, they came out on Leonard Street, and ran back to 114A. Another worthless loop. And no beer yet! F**ing annoying!

The third phase of this trail commenced. This was bad news. Your scribe does not wish to annoy you further with the woeful trail of pavement and tears that led from 114A to County Street, under 195, and up Rt. 6, under the Wampanoag Trail, past on-ramps, and tractor trailers, on shoulders and through construction zones finally entering the neighborhoods on Moorland. Or the tale of the trek through the subdivisions past confused homeowners, barking dogs and alcoholic housewives from Moorland to Rice to Clyde past Kent Heights Playground (Run #760-something.) to Gardiner, and finally to #10 Gardiner, and the home of the hare. The beer stop was guarded by the hare’s wife, who visibly cringed when she saw the hare (or was it Basket?) So your scribe will not describe these things. But, the prosecution rests.

The beer was another eccentric collection of Magic Hat offerings or Long Trail or something equally annoying. There was a fire (most useful in the humid, 85 degree heat). But the hare provided some Tecnu to attempt to reverse the worst of the poison ivy, and the smoke from the fire did somewhat discourage the mosquitoes. It was assumed that Bondo would have long since departed, so they finished their beers and agreed to circle back at the cars. The hare and Mrs. WIPOS drove WHO and Dry Foot . Amish and Basket took Ben and Seamus, and began to run back. They thought someone might drive out and rescue them. Ha! Back at the start, the auto-hashers met… Bondo! He was asked to drive out and rescue his dog and the others. But he was dry. He was not about to leave the cooler that he saw in the hare’s car. Finally, the runners arrived. Now, that’s annoying!

They circled up in the woods at the start of the trail. The run was rated: no beer vs briars, pavement vs poison ivy, roads vs rivers. It was difficult to come to a consensus. But the increasingly voracious mosquitoes and the lack of Oozing and Fuwangi ultimately decided the issue. Total: +0.69. Hashit was only briefly discussed. And given to Bondo. Or Basket. WHO cares? They beat a hasty retreat (Bad retreat! Bad!) to the Red Bridge Tavern (See runs #989, 922, 884, 812, 804,…). But at least they avoided karaoke night at Tort’s. The word “annoying” wouldn’t come close!

 

On On